When Stumbling Out of the DBR Matrix These Are Great First Steps

Or you might consider this part of your escape route when deciding which pill to take when you decide to get out of **DBR-Ville!!

This scene is from the television show The Game. I have mixed feelings about this show overall but this was an excellent example of what a woman should be doing with her life. In case you can't watch it from work the female lead is treating a patient who overhears a c conversation. She offers counsel to her by referencing women who style their hair a certain way as a metaphor for not taking chances in life and weeding out those who would hold her back.

I loved the fact this older woman gave such common sense, no-nonsense advice to the younger (still confused) woman. Her advice is to NOT let OTHER people dictate the standards by which you live! Skip ahead to the portion starting at 1:45 and end at 6:00. A quick backstory: this series is about the relationship between a med student and her NFL player boyfriend. It is based on the real-life story of Staci Robinson who wrote a book titled "Interceptions".

For the series to work the guy is supposed to be decent underneath blah blah blah but honestly he seems to be a lesser value man and the female lead isn't setting high enough standards - which is why their problems constantly obstruct the relationship. They often break up and during one of their off periods he impregnated another woman. The ensuing conflicts from the conflict is why they're not together during this period and the female lead makes another poor decision by sexing her supervisor. This show is a paint-it-by-numbers of WHAT NOT TO DO!

In TV-land things will be wrapped up but the reality is far more tenuous and can have negative generational ramifications. Of course because the male leads on this series are supposed to be a high-profile individuals the implied message here seems to be that any woman who chooses to be with them is going to have to tolerate a lot. Next!

Last time I checked a pig wearing lipstick is still...just...a...pig.

Do You Sometimes Wonder How Dysfunctional Relationships Become the Norm?

Per celeb gossip news rapper Nelly and singer Ashanti broke up last week. When I read it I wondered why it was a surprise. The guy made a music video where he slid a credit card down the butt cheeks of a woman. That speaks volumes about his character, values and how he views black women as disposable objects. Plus they'd "dated" for five years. You know where I'm going with this. If you've spent x amount of time trying to get someone to commit to you and they don't, they're just not that into you. Not to mention the fact that's not smart dating!

In the other singer/rapper break up news pairing Kelis and Nas' divorce was very acrimonious. She had to hire a forensic accountant to track money he'd claimed he didn't have to get the settlement she felt she was entitled to. She's since asked for a lump sum payment instead of monthly allocation. Many of her former "friends" in the industry have dragged her through the mud and other male rappers have predictably called her every name but her own. I'm sure they'd still have sex with her though.

I'm not surprised by the actions of these "men" because spotting the disdain they reserve for black women is like playing Pin the Tail On the Donkey without the blinders. Yet I'm still seeing comments from black women joining in the fake outrage. How dare she ask for any spousal or child support! Perhaps she wants to nurse her child and bond with him yet to hear some women talk she should "get a job". It's part of that Superwoman/Mammy/Mule myth.

Well, her job for the past decade has been "entertainer" which is already a type of fantasy career most will never achieve. I get the impression those who live with less expect other women to do so and resent any elevation in status. Remember the number of defenders of Chris Brown who claimed Rihanna had asked to be beat within an inch of her life? These are the relationships that are being held up as "normal" relations between blacks? This makes me want to tell black women and men to stay away from each other period - but that I know there are exceptions. Yet the sad thing is they are exceptions because I do think the majority are toxic. The "celeb" status of the couples featured only exacerbates the inherent pathologies underlying their conflicts.

Then you have the "educated" idiots like Michael Eric Dyson who may be degreed but have no common sense. His attempt at uplifting the word ni**er as an art form earns him a permanent FAIL. Skippy Gates' defense of 2 Live Crew which I highlighted in an earlier post helped usher in the gangsta rap/bling/ho culture. Directors like Tyler Perry reinforce a narrow definition of black womanhood based on religiosity and stigmas. Let's stop allowing these black men to uplift the gutter at our expense.

Denigration for breakfast, lunch and dinner for more than a decade and why do people wonder why 14 year olds (and younger) are committing crimes like rape and murder? Think about all the adults who buy Grand Theft Auto for children. They're being taught to objectify women and to become criminals. It's not a game. It's indoctrination. It should be considered a form of child abuse as its unsupervised use creates a mini Hitler-like person.

What's the solution? Well this may not be a one-size-fits-all response. The wound is so deep it's time to cut off the limb to save a life. A tourniquet may have worked at one time but too much time has passed denying the wound was there to begin with. Our choices will likely reflect our mentality to begin with. It also comes down to how shrewd we are or are willing to be. We don't want to keep playing catch-up while life is passing us by.

Oh No - That Steve Harvey Book Is Being Made Into A Movie!

Here's further proof of the LACK of a normative black culture that we can rely on. Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man will be coming to a screen near you. Oh happy joy!

"As a producer you're always looking for your next big hit that can be culturally relevant while still having a commercial appeal that will lend itself to a cinematic approach. I travel a lot, and everywhere I went I would see women reading this book and telling me how they loaned it to their girlfriends, so I knew I had to get a copy. The early buzz (pre-Oprah audience) among African-American women who first embraced it confirmed what I'd hoped. It was hilarious, funny and poignant and really well done." Producer Will Packer interview.

Oh really? As if the insult of Essence magazine telling black women to look for a black man in a strip club wasn't enough. Yes, the irony that I'm using their dot com site is not lost on me. Now we have the "sage" advice of a thrice-married man who cheated on wife #2 with #3 being turned into a feature film. I "blame" Gayle King. She was the one who told Oprah to read the foolishness that landed Harvey on the show. Admittedly he was funny during the interview - but that's because he's a comedian! He's supposed to make people laugh.

The problem lies with the many women who are willing to take relationship advice from a man simply due to his gender or race without questioning motives - or common sense. As if the advice being given has more validity than that of another woman. Amongst the group of black women who are still stuck on seeking black men as partners exclusively there tends to be a lot of distrust amongst them because they're competing against each other (for crumbs). They act as if there's a shortage of men. The only shortage lies in using phenotype and shared history of oppression as the sole determining factor of compatibility and not having (m)any standards for evaluating caliber.

You're being bamboozled by others with an agenda. Which in Harvey's case is to sell books and lend himself an air of credibility amongst (unsuspecting) women. He's trying to project a packaged, do good, Christian type image in the public eye as charged in his last divorce. Meanwhile he's trying to evict his 2nd wife from their marital home and sue her for full custody of their minor child to avoid paying child support. Even worse he is ALSO being sued by author Sharon P. Carson for (allegedly) plagiarizing her title and book content which if you read is a poorly conceived hijacking of Ms. Carson's message of empowerment (ghost-written by Denene Millner). That link contains an extensive interview worth reviewing.

Check out Ms. Carson's website and watch this video if you still don't want to believe. Now titles are not subject to copyright laws but the purity of the message by the author certainly shines through when compared to the watered-down one by the comedian. In my opinion. He of course knows nothing about this book with the same title and theme that was published five years before his.

This is why it is so important to ignore the perceived images of celebrities or at least do some basic investigating behind these PR snow jobs. How many times do we as black women (and women in general) allow (black) men to take our concepts and sell them back to us as something "new"? In light of the history of Skippy Gates' support for the obscenity and denigration of 2 Live Crew and these legal actions against Harvey black women especially need to have a "come to Jesus" moment. So many of us are unprotected and easily exploited for the profit and rise in prominence of others who will use us: our bodies, our talent, our lack of boundaries for their own personal gain.

Like Tavis Smiley's "grin for the camera" fest - the State of the Black Union it's a lot of empty rhetoric. I'm still waiting for serious analysis of the underlying issues fueling many of our choices and that oft-touted "accountability" that seems to elude many. Now that Good Morning America has hired Harvey to represent them do you think parent company DISNEY is going to freely allow for unbiased reporting on the lack of value this man is for ALL women? This is why what we do by using blogging as a platform for getting a message out is so important.

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Don't forget about my SXSW panel, "Black Female Bloggers and the Future of Media". Please vote! See the sidebar for details.

We All Deserve Love

Yet it seems to elude so many of us. We don't know where or how to find it. Is it like a seedling that needs water to grow and nurturing under equal parts sun and shade to fully thrive? Can it be dropped from the sky into our waiting arms and if so would we know how to care for it?

I wonder if Black children have been particularly failed because we see the behavior of the past generation as manifested by the sharp increase in unmarried status of Black women coupled with the nearly doubled out of wedlock birth rate in the past 30 years to more than 70% in both cases.  Along with the increase in HIV cases.  

That alone should be a call to arms, on the national agenda of the Civil Rights Industrial Complex and a heated a roundtable discussion but it isn't. There's no shame involved. This isn't about judgement it's about survival. Free will gone awry will lead to destruction. So I ask about love because somewhere along the way the wheels fell off the bus and it's skidding dangerously close to the edge of a cliff. Whether the people in the bus or those standing outside looking on agree with this doesn't change anything. 

What is love? There's a biblical example that is often misunderstood and misquoted and dismissed as something for "other people". Believe me it has to be because for so many to sit in churches week in and out and to never get it means it's not being applied or considered. So let's talk about the things so many of us do allow because we feel desperate or are confused.

I know that it's not rushed and loud phone calls at 1am where expletives are hurled like missiles back and forth in angry tones because she is trying to track down where he is and who he's with. It's not laughing at causing someone else pain. It's not a male who by nature of birth wields his appendage like a badge of honor and uses the act of multiple insertions into numerous partners to show he is man when that does everything but prove it so. 

It is not taking delight in receiving attention by someone who disrespects you. It isn't pushing someone to go past their comfort zone into uncharted physical terrain as proof of their affection. It isn't taking and never giving anything back in return. It isn't raising your hand to strike the first of what will be many blows. It isn't you taking out your frustrations and personal failings on someone you claim to love, when they already know you can barely stand them because you already hate yourself so you have nothing left of value to give to another. 

It isn't putting race loyalty over standards or sharing a man with other women. It isn't selling your body. It isn't taking the innocence of a child. It isn't investing all of your energy into someone who isn't worthy. It is not that pit of desperation that eats away the lining in your stomach because you know this person you've invested so much time in and whom you foolishly gave your heart to doesn't really want to be with you, but you make it so convenient they won't say no. Yet neither will they honor you, leaving you no peace until you say "enough". Even if you do, if you don't figure out your part in choosing a less than and never was will fall for another cookie cutter version hurling down that assembly line. 

Or you'll become angry and bitter because you were already wounded to begin with and are now even more so. If you've had a steady diet of substandard food you'd still reject the balanced meal because it wouldn't seem "real" to you. That would make you a bit of a fool you see as your fears impair your judgment. Even if you do know better and choose better there's no guarantee of not finding defective property without needing an extended warranty. 

So you raise the white flag and retreat into creature comforts, but taking yourself out of the game doesn't mean you've mastered the rules. If you've stumbled and fumbled your way through this process you have to dust yourself and get back in the game. You have to learn how to play to win and be ruthless in your execution. You have to pass "go" to collect your $200. You have to roll the dice to land on Park Place. You have to grab that "Get Out of Jail Free Card". You have to accept that life is a struggle but it doesn't have to define you.

It's always a choice and one that should be made soberly and with wisdom. We have to give our best to eventually get the best in return. It's trial and error sometimes. It's something that we need to do patiently and with care for ourselves. It's like training for a marathon. Endurance wins out in the end. It doesn't matter whether you are the fastest or slowest the point is to cross that finish line.

photo source

Ladies Get It From the Horse's Mouth

If you are happily coupled or not looking then you may proceed to the next blog post. If you are reevaluating your dating experiences or in an unsatisfactory relationship proceed with caution. I saw the following post "From A Brotha" at the NecoleBitchie blog which was culled from her comment section in response to another entry. It's harsh...but it needs to be said:

Unfortunately, ladies, you are part of our problem. You sleep with us BEFORE you know us or what we’re about. Having sex with a man does not automatically make that a “relationship”. Many women will deny they think like this but I’m speaking from personal experience. Also, ladies know when their men are fooling around and still turn a blind eye by getting mad at the other woman. Now what kind of sense does that make? Why should that woman make YOU (a total stranger) a priority in her life? IF HE DID NOT MARRY YOU HE IS STILL SINGLE. The “other woman” is not breaking up a “happy home”. 

Ladies, start living with your eyes OPEN. Most shady men give themselves away one way or another, usually before the first 30 days. Women have to stop “rewarding” unfaithful men by pretending it ain’t happening. Stop jumping into bed with brothers YOU DON’T KNOW. That means fewer opportunities for men to cheat. Women have to STOP being so afraid to ask the important questions that would reveal his TRUE lifestyle. If you can’t answer BASIC questions about a man DON’T OPEN YOUR LEGS. I could kinda understand back in the days when sex wouldn’t KILL people but now? 

There’s no excuse and if a BW takes that huge risk of sleeping with a STRANGER then she better protect herself - sexually AND emotionally. You are TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for your own sexual behavior the same as I am. Blaming the man won’t change a damn thing. BW have to look in the mirror and take SOME of the blame for what’s wrong with BM/BW relationships.

Now bear in mind this can apply to all women but he is specifically addressing Black women and it's something some (most?) of us need to hear. This is much more useful than that Steve Harvey book - which shares a similar theme and a title with another author. The man is speaking the truth and telling women we are responsible for the quality (and quantity) of the men in our lives. Since (some) women seem to like hearing dating advice from men let's hope Oprah invites this guy on her show. Need I mention the 70% out of wedlock birth rate and the majority unmarried status for Black women in this country? 

I'm not here to judge but unless you're well-off or a celebrity is this really going to pan out for most of us? Those are the exceptions. Mistakes are things we do once - then it becomes a choice. Are the majority of us thriving and succeeding under the current status quo? Making empowered choices from a position of mental strength with our morality intact? If you look at the majority of other groups of women do you see the differences in their dating/mating patterns? Do you wonder why their experiences may differ so vastly in their majorities versus ours? It's not luck, preferences or just the way things are either. It's about choices. 

Once we make different choices our circumstances will reflect that. Our circumstances need to reflect that change that comes from adopting a new mindset.

I Pity The Woman Who Takes Relationship Advice From Steve Harvey Alone!

Don't be a fool ladies. Oprah may have found his shtick funny but it's not as if she's going to stop whatever works for her life with Stedman to adopt Steve's rules of engagement. I blame best friend Gayle who clearly lacks some critical thinking skills and knowledge of what's happening in today's dating world by suggesting the book in the first place. Oprah had him on for a brief Friday Live segment two weeks ago and he was funny so she invited him back for an entire episode. That's when I went, oh no! Perhaps they thought it was a great book because it's a generational thing since they're all in their 50's? Which only proves how out of touch they are! 

So I asked if anyone had watched this Oprah episode on Twitter and I was directed to this article by author Roslyn Holcomb on her self-titled blog: Don't Take Relationship Advice From Men.

She asks why women are so eager to listen to men giving relationship advice and I know why. We think we're going to learn something valuable. It's making an assumption though and you know what they say about those! It's also because a lot of us (Black women) may have grown up without reliable...ok I'm gonna be blunt...without hardly any (good) male role models so of course we'll gravitate towards that. Plus this is a patriarchal society so it should come as no surprise. 

Okay, I will concede some of what Steve Harvey said made sense but he's a comedian!! He doesn't have a PhD in psychology and he's not a social scientist: he's out to sell a book. He's a celebrity for goodness sake! Since when are celebrities role models for stable relationships? Besides isn't his current wife the woman who was the side chick that he left his previous wife for? How long do you think that relationship's going to last after he comes out of his "getting his groove back" lust haze? Do you really want to listen to a man who cheats as your only source of dating and relating information? Just because someone is on the teevee doesn't make them an authority on anything. Take it with a grain of salt at least.

This isn't to say that we should never solicit the advice of a man, but it needs to be the right one. I wouldn't advocate listening to what a lot of women have to say either. In what is commonly referred to as the "Black Community" a lot of women are taught to notice skin tone, hair texture, to attend a church and call it religious belief, to give all of their time and money away indiscriminately, to hold up the entire world...all at the individual female's expense. Then they're supposed to pat themselves on the back for the "giving to others" and doing the "Christian thing" meanwhile when they need help nobody's home. 

The adopted mantra should be "Ain't Nothing Going On But the Rent". If you ever question this one-sided practice (for Black men are NEVER told to do this) or drift towards thinking of yourself for more than a few seconds you'll be accused of being selfish. It also seems to be this invisible electronic fence that holds women back from considering all men of all ethnicities and races as viable partners. We're missing out because other women don't hesitate to date and marry "our" men. Nor do "our" men hesitate to chase after them in the most disrespectful manner and abandon us. The "us" would be our selves and any offspring we may produce with them as well. 

On the other hand, there's another phrase that's become popular (and this falls along class lines) "ni**ers ain't worth sh*t" in referring to Black males. Wow..and wow. So it's either become a mule or do everything yourself because you can't possibly rely on a Black man for anything. And keep to yourself and be lonely. This isn't about the abilities of men based on race, it's about choosing to be with a quality man that can pull his own weight in the world so you won't have to. It's about finding the man who values you and proves it by his actions. Neither of the extremes will work. Yet Harvey posits we should think like a man. It's total BS. I can't abide by that at all. 

Actually...let me revise that slightly. I'm dropping in a quote from Roslyn's article:

Male loyalty is sketchy at best. They are first loyal to themselves, then to other men, then to the woman they sleep with. (I'm adding the possibility of looking out for a daughter.) If you’re not in one of those categories, in all likelihood, you fall far down in the hierarchy. Further, you have to keep in mind that even if he’s not sleeping with you, most men are at least considering the possibility that you might be a good back-up. 

During the show segments Oprah had mostly Black women on. The first female guest had a long list but the first thing on it was her ideal man had to be African-American. So I'm guessing a foreign Black male is out of the question let alone seeking out other races. Right there she's reduced her chances of finding a husband by 98%. Black women outnumber Black men 3-1. 70% of us are single. Then if you add any kind of standards whatsoever that percentage decreases, plus she's in her 30's. Harvey did ask her if she was willing to be everything on her list that she wants a man to be? That I will agree with. She doesn't just need advice - she needs a reality check. They were joking with her about how she was seeking out Jesus incarnate for a husband. Unless you believe the Da Vinci code then that wouldn't even be possible then...or now! 

The question I'd be asking is:  You have to have the standards, but how do you know what those standards are? How do Black women in particular clear their minds of the indoctrination tactics fed to BW that keep them tethered in the barn and get free of them?

Another guest who is clearly delusional claims she won’t have intercourse or give oral sex for “religious” purposes but she receives oral sex from the men she’s dating because “they offer”. They’re offering because they’re hoping to convince her to go all the way. Plus I’d go so far as to say she’s setting herself up to get raped by one of them one of these days. There are just some things you don’t play around with. Maybe if you’re 18 and experimenting but this woman looked as if she was at least 25. I wouldn’t be testing those boundaries. “What religion?” Steve asked because he wanted go to her church. He was making jokes the entire show which only shows how serious he isn't.

Another guest discovered her boyfriend of 4 years had been cheating on her with scores of other women when she found a hidden cellphone. They were praising her for ending the relationship but nobody asked the obvious question: Why was she dating a guy for 4 years? Why did she consider her relationship a "commitment" when it was a guy who was just her boyfriend? Not to mention the fact that she let him move into her place. I'd love to know if she was paying all the bills, too? Then it went from bad to worse. She said she called the most frequently used number on the phone. The other woman claimed to have not been in love the guy – but that woman chose to spend 7 years with the guy. Who was she kidding?

 

This just proves a lot of us just don’t know what to look for and how to discern who quality men are. We don't set adequate standards. All of the women featured were attractive and intelligent. We have our own unresolved emotional issues that get in the way. We also have to do our part for attracting the type of men we claim we want. I felt as if the onus placed was too much at the disposal of the female guests as if some sort of blame game argument could be attached later. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Since the audience was multi-racial and they threw in one white woman who was insecure about her age a lot of useful information that Black women need specifically wasn’t discussed.

 

Plus this was to sell a book and provide entertainment. If Oprah was seriously going to give women advice it should have been a "break out the notebooks" and put on your thinking caps show. When Steve kept making funny faces and Oprah was laughing at his responses when women asked specifics about sexual activity and grooming I found myself getting very frustrated. It wasn't in the same way I feel the Tyra Show lacks depth but it was the right subject with the wrong person.  In fact, he was about to make a comment about his wife and the women in the audience indicated that he should shut up. See…he’s not that wise! 

They closed out the show with these 5 questions a woman should ask a man she's dating. Oh I guess I should mention you can check out chapter information here. One thing he did say that I totally agree with is waiting at least 90 days before engaging in any physical intimacy, but this isn't anything new. Of course not all women will want to adhere to that but again, you have to decide if you're looking for fun or if you're looking for a husband and act accordingly:

Ask the man about his -  

1. short term goals

2. long term goals

3. views on relationships

4. what he thinks about you

5. what he feels about you 

We want to be able to bake the cake, eat it and fat flush the calories away. Just remember: there's always consequences for our choices. So we should boldly go forth..and engage!

Tyra Banks Show On the Obama Effect: Will Black Men Get It Together Now?

Ha! Ha! That wasn't the title of yesterday's episode but it's a valid question to ask. Of course if you personally have it together this doesn't apply to you. So no accusatory comments mmm-okay? The subtitle of this episode should be: Black Women Don't Wait Around For Black Men Still Trying To Figure Things Out: Do You!

You know I watch Ty-Ty's show from time to time because when she starts to veer too far on the edge of idiocy I feel it's my responsible as a Black woman to reign it - by complaining LOUDLY. This show looked to cover an interesting position, but I  already know it would get a FAIL for not delving into anything too deeply. Still even a surface discussion can lead to further reflection. Hopefully one day she'll realize the audience has the capability to handle it - though I'm not sure if she is. 

So this episode discusses what impact the election of Barack Obama, a Black man, will have and whether it will positively influence other Black men. It also asks about the relationship between Black men and women. Finesse Mitchell and Michael Dyson are guests. I skipped the first segment because they were discussing whether it was appropriate for Black men to wear sagging pants. I have two words: Prison Attire. If you have to ask then you are already too far gone. Disclaimer: If Warner Brothers asks me to remove material I will do so upon request and no copyright infringement is intended.

Woman Giving Up On Black Men

Well this guest describes the poor behavior of the men she's dated as the reason for not wanting to date any Black men, but the panel and host point out that her choices have something to do with her dating success or failure. It sounds to me like she a) hasn't set proper boundaries b) doesn't know how to evaluate men c) is not exercising her options. I would have loved for someone to have asked her if she was open to dating men who weren't exclusively Black. Of course if she can't choose a quality male then she could just swap one loser for another, but I suspect she's dating men she should not be giving the time of day to. The kicker is the producers who decided to trot out her white friend to tell her to "give Black men a chance". Trifling!

Black Man Who Says He Doesn't Like to Date Black Women - Ever!

Well this segment's a little rough ladies, so brace yourself! This total loser doesn't like Black women. This has been an ongoing discussion on Black women interracial dating sites and empowerment sites. Even Aunt Jemima's Revenge reluctantly asked last week if Black men really do hate Black women. Looking at the actions of some men that would be a YES, but not ALL do. I refer to this guest as a loser because....he is. How ridiculous that his female relative is sitting up there on stage pleading with him to give Black women a chance. Please don't!! 

Spare some poor woman a lot of heartache and self-doubt about her worth because she's focused on someone who will not value her under any circumstances. See the previous segment above again if you need to connect the dots. That woman wouldn't be considered the average Black woman because she has a straighter hair texture that blows in the wind. If she isn't being valued then the odds of a woman considered less attractive due to her (darker) skin tone and (less fine) hair texture doesn't stand a chance. Anyway, I bet this fool is living off a Black female relative though (not paying rent, borrowing money, whining about how he's a victim of racism) while he's trashing bw every chance he gets. White women please take him and don't send him back.

.....more video tba when I can get it to load properly

What We Can Learn About Love and Life From Famous Women

Women who are famous are not so different that we can't relate to certain universal truths or find commonalities. They may have certain career pressures as well as access to unique circumstances. Sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side. What lessons can we glean with regards to the men some famous Black women and Women of Color chose to partner with or marry? 

Beyonce and Jay-Z

I'm no Beyonce stan (in fact I think she's grossly overrated) but she is one of the biggest musical acts out there right now. She has her latest hit song extolling the virtues of legally wedded bliss: specifically to men that they should "put a ring" on the woman they're with. I think that's probably the most empowering song she's released though I was kinda partial to Independent Women. 

Now I look at Beyonce and see all that's she's achieved career-wise and her level of attractiveness which is more likely to be universally agreed upon than some other Black women thanks to our colorism. I still wonder why she chose Jay-Z of all the available men in the world to marry. She more than most women had an abundance of eligible bachelors in any field or income bracket to choose from. 

I'm going to be blunt. He's not very attractive and though he has money, that should not be the sole determination for a suitable spouse. Before someone asks me why I would focus on his appearance I'll reply it's because men do. Men don't make concessions in this area with very few exceptions, so why is it that women almost unanimously agree to do so? If the draw for a less attractive or older man is his money and status then how does that explain a woman who already has those things not seeking a man who's equal to her or better in every way? 

Plus he has a history of behaving disrespectfully to women from shoving the female host of a tv show, to producing illegitimate child(ren), to that verbal war against Nas where he insulted the mother of Nas' oldest child. I sincerely hope that they are in love and their relationship flourishes, but I wonder if she realized all the options she in fact had and whether she would have made a different choice. Actually, I don't. I'm simply not impressed. He is a just a rap artist after all with some very smart legal advisors. There was a time when Black people didn't look at entertainers as role models - especially ones that use words like bitch and ho. 

I suppose I should also clarify that I'm not a Jay-Z fan either, but I don't need to be to take an objective view of this situation. I just hope he doesn't do anything to publicly humiliate her over the course of their union, but I won't be surprised when he does. How many couples do you see in your everyday life where the female is far superior to the male in looks, style and mannerisms?

Rachel Roy and Damon Dash

Now that he's broke and they're practically living on the street (I kid....sorta) I'm wondering if she wishes she had left when the getting was good. He was with Aaliyah around the time of her passing while Rachel had already had one child with him. Sharing a man is not cool whether he's famous or not. He has also been sued by other women to establish paternity and pay child support before and after their marriage. She's a great designer by the way. She's another beautiful woman who's made poor decisions by pairing with a low quality (albeit famous) unattractive man who thinks he's all that. She could be any of us until we learn to do better.

Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri

Sometimes combining romance and business don't work! How can the sex be that good (as per her Oprah interview) when every album released bombs! Keep him far far away from your musical career Janet so you can put out a decent album again. Pretty please from your fans.  

Kim Porter and Sean Combs

I've got one thing to say. He's good at business but a loser when it comes to relationships and she's a fool. Kim has started her very own wronged woman cottage industry. I'm only mentioning her as a cautionary tale because she choses foolishness just to keep her name in the press. Essence magazine better not EVER put her on their cover again! She deserves no sympathy. Not after 13 years. Not while she's cashing checks. Not after the last round of paparazzi shots of Diddy with his non-singing piece on the side Cassie. Well, since he's not married I guess they're all pieces on the side.  I loathe to use the word gold-digger but I wonder if Kim Porter might find her name in the dictionary under its listing. This is someone who's either given up completely on a healthy sustainable relationship or decided a long time ago to find a man amenable to having a lot of out of wedlock children but willing to pay child support.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry

Yes Halle says she's happy and she has a healthy child and a thriving career. She's partnered up and she claims to be content. Yes the interracial aspects may be of interest to some inasmuch as the public face of things offers this as one of her most satisfying relationships ever. Black women do need to know they have numerous options for finding a suitable partner - check out Evia's blog for her take. So rah rah Halle, but why be so down on the whole marriage idea? 

There's plenty of people that would love to have that option and don't. No matter what she says I'm not completely sold on the idea that not being married is okay with her. She clearly has issues with it due to her poor choices/timing of previous relationships. That's not marriage's fault though.  There's a lot of Black women who choose to be single. What gives?

 

Professor Tracey asked this question last week when the names of Obama administration appointees produced quite a few attractive, accomplished and intelligent Black women and none of them are currently married. Are we so hardened by the battle of the sexes that we've said enough? What do we need to do to heal and move on?

Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe 

They perhaps have my ideal public relationship example of two strangers, lol. They've got creativity, foreign country living exposure and don't have a narrow view of "Blackness". Did anybody save copies of their short-lived sitcom? I loved it! They were both married to other people when they met but developed a friendship. They're both bi-racial and it's an interfaith marriage as well. Yes Boris is probably one of the best looking men ever but Nicole is no slouch either. He always speaks highly of his wife in public. They have solid careers and cute kids and there's no drama. What more can you ask for?

Where Do You Stand?

So that's just my take on things. I don't know these people from Adam but I certainly know of them. Rumors should be taken with a grain of salt of course. There are some situations you could not pay me to be part of! Everyone doesn't have the same standards. Some of us know better. Some of us are willing to settle for pennies on the dollar. Some of us think everything's a party! We need to know our true worth and have the werewithall to exercise every option, as well as create opportunities so we have a full life. What do you think? What are examples you'd like to offer?

Tyra Banks Says She Has No "List"

So I was watching the Tyra show yesterday and I wish I had recorded parts of it to play back for this discussion. Half the time when I watch I cringe or find myself shaking my head (and turn it off). Other times I think she covers topics of great interest. No, I don't have to watch but I see Tyra struggling to elevate her consciousness and do something of value. Either way Tyra always finds a way of interjecting her own personal history and projects that onto her guests. I'm not sure if it's narcissism or naivete, but she does have a platform with which to do great harm or benefit. I don't think she's intentionally trying to introduce negative influences but we all harbor a perspective viewpoint that may need to be reexamined. Specifically in relation to the quality of the lives of Black women and girls and finding our place in this world.

This episode featured two women who were the subject of a focus group evaluation of the status of their lives. The group members were split amongst people that knew the person and strangers. Now I like the concept of women being able to get a no-holds bar assessment. Of course due to time constraints and other factors it wasn't a complete evaluation of all aspects and it failed to offer long term solutions so as to wrap things up within the hour format. It could certainly be seen as a good start though. 

One of the women featured was a young Black woman who wanted to be married. She was attractive but I thought her desire for landing a husband by the age of 30 wasn't realistic when she is currently 29. She didn't state her education background or current occupation either. She mentioned an affinity for designer goods. I thought she was a little unpolished socially and immature but certainly not unappealing. What I found interesting was the way the Black male in the stranger group reacted with such hostility towards the woman's desire for a partner and her requirements.

See she had a list. She wanted this future husband to have a job that paid a six-figure income, to have a nice car, a house and other things. Though the focus was a bit superficial I would go so far as to say she doesn't specifically know what she wants from a more grounded or spiritual perspective and went for the easily recognizable traits you can point to that would indicate a suitable mate.  

So this guy objected specifically to the income requirement and labeled her a gold digger. He then went on to say she was beyond gold and jumped to platinum! It was a bit ridiculous, because I got the impression that he was reacting more to his own sense of inadequacy than anything she had to say. I could literally see him counting pennies in his head and coming up 20 cents short of a dollar. 

He had to tear the woman down to boost himself. In the earlier segment he had been equally critical about the first guest featured who had gained weight and she was white. Tyra then aptly pointed out that he was in fact overweight himself, but he claimed he'd take it as an impetus to make changes in his own life. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

What was wrong with the Black woman wanting a man who could adequately provide for a family and why would anyone object so strenuously to her seeking out the best she can get? It was even suggested that she was reaching beyond her 'place' by wanting that. Then Tyra mentioned that though she'd made 'some' money she didn't have a list when it came to seeking out a man for a relationship. She said her friends have teased her about picking men beneath her (though she didn't word it that way). This is where I'd get upset with Tyra for reinforcing outdated models of behavior, because she's still single herself and has mentioned some past relationships with other unsuitable men she's dated. 

In fact this was a nice lesson to learn though it was so easy to miss. When we have no requirements we end up with less than what we deserve - or nothing at all.

 photo source