Tyra Did Her Own Show on Teen Dating Violence

Phew I didn't have anything to record this with but it was more harrowing than the Oprah episode from last week. I see parallels in how there's been a lot of social gains but other core basics have been ignored and a lot of social ills have emerged more virulent than ever. Apparently the dating violence rate has nearly doubled in the past decade. The Oprah episode with Robin Givens and Kevin Powell was pre-empted in my market on Thursday for March Madness so I hope it repeats again soon. This Tyra episode scared me quite frankly.

She had several teen girls on who talked about being punched, strangled, choked and hit with objects. She featured one couple who are 17 and 18 with a toddler where the male thinks he's stone cold and didn't want to take any responsibility for his actions. He'd punched his girlfriend at least 4 times and choked her, causing her to black out. So Tyra thanked him for sitting on the panel but referred to him as a kid. Oh well, I'm not a medical professional but that's just bunk! At 18 you can serve in the military and go to prison, okay. He isn't a baby - he has a baby! 

Men who batter look to women to make them feel good and increase their self-esteem. So basically they feel vulnerable and perhaps defeated in other parts of their lives and take it out on someone they think is weaker. So this guy kept denying he felt powerless, he claims he feels nothing that battering is not trying to be manly. So the therapist who spoke was trying to offer critique and he was blowing her off. So what are the odds this guy will admit he's abusive, get help, do the work necessary and break the cycle? I'm sorry but I'm not holding my breath.

Tyra offered both teens therapy and the young woman being victimized said she'd go. I want to have some amount of sympathy but I'm more inclined to tell her to run and not look back. Don't try to find any excuses to stay with someone who could kill her. Her mother was on the panel and mentioned how her grandchild's demeanor has changed because of what's he's been exposed to. Hello!!!!

Oh..I just did a Youtube search and this aired last week in certain markets so here's the video. Our young women really need help! The flippant attitude from some in the audience was beyond belief.

The main young woman featured said she hopes she'll stay away. She also mentions that she was financially supporting her deadbeat, lowlife, gutter boyfriend. I won't be able to watch these segments again for a long time. I suspect this young woman will end up dead and if not she is extremely lucky, but I can't say her choices so far indicate that she'll have a quality life.

I don't know what to say. I see patterns that these women have been sexualized at a young age, have babies, may still be in high school and have a lot of burdens placed on them quite frankly that I'd find challenging and I'm a decade older. I just feel like they've been failed by the people around them. As for Tyra last remark about there being "two sides to every story" that sounded like a legal caveat. I say put these "tough" guys in prison for a few days since they think they're so tough. Let them experience some of what they've dished out and they'll see how tough they really are! Then offer some that *may* have remorse therapy and a chance at restitution with a no violation clause. I think some of these "men" are beyond redemption though and even at 18 it may be too late for some have already killed their girlfriends. Every young man doesn't act this way and I think we may want to be lenient when it would be a mistake to do so. 

Oprah Show On Dating Violence

Oprah's Thursday episode she asked Tyra Banks to be her co-host as they discussed dating violence amongst teens. Is it being petty to point out that with such a serious discussion someone really should have talked to Tyra about her how distracting her hair (too many blonde highlights with the wig) and makeup (she looked orange with hot pink lips and too much brown eye shadow) looked? How can I take a woman seriously who is so invested in her appearance - not from being excellent but from such glaring insecurity (at least that's what I sense)? She's an attractive woman but seems to operate from such patriarchal domination that even when she's giving to others through her talk show she's continually seeking out attention for herself as some form of validation. 

It undermines everything she does. The contrast was even more apparent (again, to me) with her sitting next to Oprah. This is the same Oprah who lamented about her weight failures to ad nauseum but I have to say wearing her hair blown out instead of the curly mane she usually dons was very flattering. Also she's so comfortable with what she does and has a certain level of gravitas that lends an air of authenticity and authority that Tyra just doesn't have. I suppose because they have different demographics it doesn't matter as much. Teens would probably prefer a young(er) host for talk show though I'd imagine with maturity would outgrow her format. 

Yet Tyra doesn't do the best impersonation of herself. I watched 3/4 of an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race to see what the buzz was all about. Though I will not support his show because of his support for that idiot Charles Knipp's lunacy I saw how he seemed to capture the essence of impersonating Tyra's decision-making segments from the panel sessions on ANTM. He out-Tyra'd the original. Which is what drag queens are trying to do in essence, personify women.

Yes Oprah & Tyra discussed Rihanna and Chris Brown but there is a much larger problem at stake for millions of young women involved in relationships that can become deadly. As Oprah stated it was a teachable moment. I thought she was extremely fair in her presentation by mentioning Brown's chaotic childhood, etc. It was coming very close to Black male protectionism at the expense of the Black woman who was in fact the injured party. Here's the thing: some of us have more obstacles to overcome than others. That's not fair, but life isn't fair. Brown is in a position to get help though we have yet to see any indication that he wants to take responsibility for his temper, his poor coping skills, his decision to hit a person physically weaker,  his remorse or his change in behavior. Until then he doesn't deserve any sympathy. I also doubt that if he had beat and raped a woman that Oprah would have been so empathetic though I know plenty of other women, Black women who'd be ready to make excuses (shades of R Kelly).  

Tyra talked about how she had had both stars on her show and how Rihanna was just a girl who sang for a living, albeit she's one of the top stars at the moment. She was insisting that we shouldn't make role models out of celebrities. Well isn't that the entire premise of her show, to feature celebs that people imitate and emulate and want to see? Isn't this why they brand themselves now and forge "strategic" partnerships - and get endorsements? If we thought of them as just that guy or gal next door why would we care about what clothes they wear or who they hang out with or buy entertainment/gossip magazines and view websites featuring them? There's money being made from the promotion of their "lifestyle" and to deny that is just...ridiculous! If they are going to take the benefits that come from that scrutiny and admiration then they can't be in control of the downside either. Now I'm not talking about invading privacy, sifting through their garbage, following kids or causing traffic accidents. 

So Oprah had to give us real-life examples of how certain males use dominance tactics to control females and how unprepared they are to deal with it. One young girl was murdered by her boyfriend and she was just 17. Her friends told Oprah they had no idea she'd been in an abusive relationship. There's so much secrecy involved and manipulation. Another young woman talked about how hard it was to leave even though the relationship was destructive because you fall into a pattern of abuse. I can imagine how difficult it would be when you are very young when older women in their 20's, 30's and beyond struggle with it as well. 

This is why we must teach women to put themselves first, but in a patriarchal society deference to men is the norm and it's a reflex even. You have to make conscious choices to see it and step aside for proper evaluation. Tyra talked about an man she dated who was emotionally abusive and she mentioned low self-esteem. Can we just finally put the nail in the coffin of victim language? 

I think part of the self-help movement con is all of this discussion about how fragile and vulnerable we are. I read "Co-dependent No More" when I was in high school. I was trying to understand numerous family dynamics. Yes the author made a lot of valid points but I think we can get caught up in the evaluation and never get to solutions. I am all for AA, Al-Anon, therapy, whatever it takes we must reach out for help with our problems and our pain. I now believe we don't need to know every nook and cranny of our psyche or every single motivation. 

Self-esteem is not a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's about making good choices. Though it's difficult to see our way in the dark, we can take small steps towards the light. That's how we rebuild our self-esteem. We are already powerful even though we may feel our weakest. We cannot place validation that we've regained our footing through the approval of others exclusively because the very people closest to us may in fact want to undermine our efforts. Some ministers are more interested in using us for our free time and money than helping us grow spiritually. Some therapists are crack-pots and just as sexist and racist as the people that have caused us grief. So we have to be careful even in our vulnerability. I know that makes any improvement that much more difficult but it's for our own good to triple-check these sources.

As women we must ask ourselves if what we're doing for others benefits us or if we think we'll be rewarded by them later? If that's the case it may never happen and then what? You can't get that time back. Love isn't supposed to hurt: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or you name it. We must have a set of boundaries and standards that are non-negotiable. Dating violence doesn't happen with every scenario: these boys and men are choosing women they know they can control. It's not an accident or a mistake. If it has happened to you it's because you were targeted. Now the question becomes will you continue to put up with it after the male perpetrator has revealed his true nature to you? If you were in a burning house would you try to work with the fire or make excuses for its flames? Would you stay or would you see all the destruction around you and just flee - no questions asked? 

Do you want to save yourself or perish?

There's a post-show segment at Oprah's site you can watch for more discussion. 

Tyra Banks Show On the Obama Effect: Will Black Men Get It Together Now? pt 3

Man Who Claims That He's Doing His "Best" For His Child

His best may not be what's in the best interest of that child but I guess that's open for debate. He's being rather vague about his activities and placing limitations on himself as if to say, "don't expect much from me". To be fair, there are a lot of fathers who are doing their best and due to unresolved issues between parents, the kids get stuck in the middle. Somehow though I suspect this particular man is someone who was not at his best to begin with so there's only so much room for growth. This is why it's very important for a woman to know how to choose the very best man possible if you are going to procreate. There's no guarantees, but like vegetables and fruit damage is recognizable if you know how to look for it. Unlike fruit you can't cut around it to make it palatable. 

That goes both ways but is far too likely to swing far to one side than the other. I'd also ignore those statistics being touted as "fact" because they don't reflect the reality for the majority of the African-American population. There's a 70% out of wedlock birth rate and Black women are the least likely group to be married in this country. Black women also outnumber Black men and factoring in (illness, incarceration and other unsuitability if similar standards are applied that other women in the country use across the board) the pool of available AND quality Black men drops down to under 5%. If this is an example of a "typical" Black male who is going to be "transformed" because of an external factor: the Obama effect - then Black women are going to be extremely dissatisfied. I'd go as far as to say doomed, but that may sound too harsh. As the segment opened we were already informed the woman who mated with this man is greatly dissatisfied. Let this be a cautionary tale. I'd like the Tyra Show to continue this discussion and of course get perspectives from Black women and how they've been affected.

Tyra Banks Show On the Obama Effect: Will Black Men Get It Together Now? pt 2

Actor That Portrays Hood Roles Wants to Live A Hood Life: Doesn't Want to Go to College

Well what can I add I think the caption says it all. Why are there always Black women coddling and worrying about these men instead of focusing on their lives and caring for themselves. If the situation was reversed who would be there for them?! Or are they supposed to be "strong" enough that they don't need any help and support? I have no comment on the psuedo-intelligentsia former hood-monger scholar. It's a class issue on display. If I can recognize it I'm certain others can too. Education is necessary but that's not the end of "learning".

 

Man Who Complains About Shaving Beard to Appeal to Employers

So I thought I wasn't hearing this fool properly. I guess I could take the producers to task for finding all of these losers and allowing them to be the subject of ridicule on national tv, but I can't muster up that much sympathy. This man doesn't have a job and wants to claim racism over his facial hair. Now they did try to balance that with a man who had a legitimate grievance with his employer over his hairstyle but puh-leeze! This is just ridiculous for a grown man to be so irresponsible. If you don't have a job and you need to spruce up your appearance why would you complain about it? Just fix it!! This is why I had to make sure I recorded this episode because unless you've seen it nobody would believe my commentary.

 

Tyra Banks Show On the Obama Effect: Will Black Men Get It Together Now?

Ha! Ha! That wasn't the title of yesterday's episode but it's a valid question to ask. Of course if you personally have it together this doesn't apply to you. So no accusatory comments mmm-okay? The subtitle of this episode should be: Black Women Don't Wait Around For Black Men Still Trying To Figure Things Out: Do You!

You know I watch Ty-Ty's show from time to time because when she starts to veer too far on the edge of idiocy I feel it's my responsible as a Black woman to reign it - by complaining LOUDLY. This show looked to cover an interesting position, but I  already know it would get a FAIL for not delving into anything too deeply. Still even a surface discussion can lead to further reflection. Hopefully one day she'll realize the audience has the capability to handle it - though I'm not sure if she is. 

So this episode discusses what impact the election of Barack Obama, a Black man, will have and whether it will positively influence other Black men. It also asks about the relationship between Black men and women. Finesse Mitchell and Michael Dyson are guests. I skipped the first segment because they were discussing whether it was appropriate for Black men to wear sagging pants. I have two words: Prison Attire. If you have to ask then you are already too far gone. Disclaimer: If Warner Brothers asks me to remove material I will do so upon request and no copyright infringement is intended.

Woman Giving Up On Black Men

Well this guest describes the poor behavior of the men she's dated as the reason for not wanting to date any Black men, but the panel and host point out that her choices have something to do with her dating success or failure. It sounds to me like she a) hasn't set proper boundaries b) doesn't know how to evaluate men c) is not exercising her options. I would have loved for someone to have asked her if she was open to dating men who weren't exclusively Black. Of course if she can't choose a quality male then she could just swap one loser for another, but I suspect she's dating men she should not be giving the time of day to. The kicker is the producers who decided to trot out her white friend to tell her to "give Black men a chance". Trifling!

Black Man Who Says He Doesn't Like to Date Black Women - Ever!

Well this segment's a little rough ladies, so brace yourself! This total loser doesn't like Black women. This has been an ongoing discussion on Black women interracial dating sites and empowerment sites. Even Aunt Jemima's Revenge reluctantly asked last week if Black men really do hate Black women. Looking at the actions of some men that would be a YES, but not ALL do. I refer to this guest as a loser because....he is. How ridiculous that his female relative is sitting up there on stage pleading with him to give Black women a chance. Please don't!! 

Spare some poor woman a lot of heartache and self-doubt about her worth because she's focused on someone who will not value her under any circumstances. See the previous segment above again if you need to connect the dots. That woman wouldn't be considered the average Black woman because she has a straighter hair texture that blows in the wind. If she isn't being valued then the odds of a woman considered less attractive due to her (darker) skin tone and (less fine) hair texture doesn't stand a chance. Anyway, I bet this fool is living off a Black female relative though (not paying rent, borrowing money, whining about how he's a victim of racism) while he's trashing bw every chance he gets. White women please take him and don't send him back.

.....more video tba when I can get it to load properly

Tyra Show On Picking A Good Man - Oh Boy!

Wednesday's episode of the Tyra Show asked if women have good dating instincts. There was a panel of eight women who were split into groups and sent on speed dating sessions. They had  a variety of men to choose from and would come back to discuss the dates. The men were categorized as "good" or "bad" guys and the women had to evaluate who fit into what category. The producers chose some rather clueless women so we could feel better about ourselves! It became the running joke that these women had no set standards going into the dates. That is where they and the audience could have been educated. 

Tyra had two experts offer post-date evaluations. One was male relationship advice author Finesse Mitchell while the other, FBI agent Barbara Roberts offered tips on reading body language and facial expressions. She warned if you feel the instinct to pull back when you're in the company of a man to trust it.

The first group of three women chose one particular guy. He was very attractive I admit - and it was the first thing they all gave as the reason for choosing him. One of the women was practically swooning over his blue eyes as she talked about him. They had already made an emotional investment in a complete stranger. So when Tyra brought the man out he revealed that he was gay  - all three women nearly fell off their chairs. 

Sorry, but I saw that one a mile away. He mentioned he was really into musical theatre  - and I immediately thought, next! Yeah I know musical theatre shouldn't automatically disqualify a man, but come on. I once outed a male friend who hadn't revealed his identity to me yet based on his love of the Pet Shop Boys. Why? I don't know one straight man that knows the lyrics and song titles of PSB songs. I have been swayed by a pretty face and a smile before though so it's not uncommon.

The next group of two chose a guy who dished out lots and lots of compliments, kissed their hands in greeting and declared his love of women. Sounds good, right? He said he was a big romantic and enjoyed cooking for a woman. He then revealed himself as a womanizer with three phones to keep track of all the women he was dating. He was trying his best to be the Casanova of 2009!

The last group chose another guy based on his physicality because he was 'big and strong'.  One woman declared he was the kind of man she'd take home (to meet mom). Now I can understand our primal nature wanting a protector, but he has to be a man who understands that role. He was evasive about wanting to be in a serious relationship when he replied "if that's what the woman wanted" so he wasn't a good choice either. I also thought if they peeled back a layer or two he'd be one of those men that grew up without a father. The first womanizer guy was a lot more slick about it, while this guy was emotionally distant.

This is where the FBI agent's advice really helped. She pointed out the men were either avoiding eye contact, had their arms folded across their chests, touched their chins, or closed their hands as examples of lying. She discussed how to better read men and certain facial expressions. She mentioned that specific features are positive indicators like a square forehead, big ears (good listener), radiance from the eyes, overall body language, large mouth (affectionate and generous), rounded chin (love of animals) and ears coming forward. She used examples of famous men with photos in offering her evaluations. Our facial combination: the features we're born with, how we like to look (hairstyles, makeup) and any potential accident/surgeries are strong personality indicators.  

I would like for the show to spend time on getting advice from men of various ages who are in healthy relationships. They can offer real life instruction of how to evaluate men. Of course there are internal factors and lifestyles of individuals as well. The show wrapped up with the one woman whom Tyra said chose a good guy - though the established criteria for determining that was never revealed. 

The final three men were solid career professionals, but I noticed they didn't have the swagger of the other men. That's part of the problem. The bad boys know how to be manipulative and push boundaries in a way that's exciting but ultimately harmful. They are usually very confident. The guy chosen was very excited and declared how lucky he was because she was so beautiful. That was sweet, but they do have to get to know each other! I felt kinda bad for the last two who didn't get picked because they looked embarrassed. I actually thought this was a very informative show and a great beginning.

Tyra Banks Says She Has No "List"

So I was watching the Tyra show yesterday and I wish I had recorded parts of it to play back for this discussion. Half the time when I watch I cringe or find myself shaking my head (and turn it off). Other times I think she covers topics of great interest. No, I don't have to watch but I see Tyra struggling to elevate her consciousness and do something of value. Either way Tyra always finds a way of interjecting her own personal history and projects that onto her guests. I'm not sure if it's narcissism or naivete, but she does have a platform with which to do great harm or benefit. I don't think she's intentionally trying to introduce negative influences but we all harbor a perspective viewpoint that may need to be reexamined. Specifically in relation to the quality of the lives of Black women and girls and finding our place in this world.

This episode featured two women who were the subject of a focus group evaluation of the status of their lives. The group members were split amongst people that knew the person and strangers. Now I like the concept of women being able to get a no-holds bar assessment. Of course due to time constraints and other factors it wasn't a complete evaluation of all aspects and it failed to offer long term solutions so as to wrap things up within the hour format. It could certainly be seen as a good start though. 

One of the women featured was a young Black woman who wanted to be married. She was attractive but I thought her desire for landing a husband by the age of 30 wasn't realistic when she is currently 29. She didn't state her education background or current occupation either. She mentioned an affinity for designer goods. I thought she was a little unpolished socially and immature but certainly not unappealing. What I found interesting was the way the Black male in the stranger group reacted with such hostility towards the woman's desire for a partner and her requirements.

See she had a list. She wanted this future husband to have a job that paid a six-figure income, to have a nice car, a house and other things. Though the focus was a bit superficial I would go so far as to say she doesn't specifically know what she wants from a more grounded or spiritual perspective and went for the easily recognizable traits you can point to that would indicate a suitable mate.  

So this guy objected specifically to the income requirement and labeled her a gold digger. He then went on to say she was beyond gold and jumped to platinum! It was a bit ridiculous, because I got the impression that he was reacting more to his own sense of inadequacy than anything she had to say. I could literally see him counting pennies in his head and coming up 20 cents short of a dollar. 

He had to tear the woman down to boost himself. In the earlier segment he had been equally critical about the first guest featured who had gained weight and she was white. Tyra then aptly pointed out that he was in fact overweight himself, but he claimed he'd take it as an impetus to make changes in his own life. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

What was wrong with the Black woman wanting a man who could adequately provide for a family and why would anyone object so strenuously to her seeking out the best she can get? It was even suggested that she was reaching beyond her 'place' by wanting that. Then Tyra mentioned that though she'd made 'some' money she didn't have a list when it came to seeking out a man for a relationship. She said her friends have teased her about picking men beneath her (though she didn't word it that way). This is where I'd get upset with Tyra for reinforcing outdated models of behavior, because she's still single herself and has mentioned some past relationships with other unsuitable men she's dated. 

In fact this was a nice lesson to learn though it was so easy to miss. When we have no requirements we end up with less than what we deserve - or nothing at all.

 photo source