Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Lessons African-American Women Can Learn From Watching the Terrell Owens Reality Show

  • Be careful about who you give your support and time to.
  • We need to stop celebrating the individual pursuits of blacks as if it's something that automatically uplifts everyone.
  • You should find out if these black male (actors, athletes, music artists, politicians, etc) are willing and able to uplift women like you.
So a brief breakdown of this scene. Owens has signed with the Buffalo Bills. He's in Niagara Falls with one of his employee/friends. She'd booked a room at a B&B and they messed up the reservation by putting them in the same room. This is the scene where they retire for the evening. He has two very attractive black women who serve the gatekeeper/policing role on this show. Officially they're his PR. As you watch the show you see them complaining about the women he gravitates towards and his reply that they have no lives of their own. 

I've watched four episodes and am glad these women are Executive Producers because it means they're at least being compensated. Unlike so many other black women who fill these roles for a mere pat on the head - if that. This guy has no exposure to a black woman with our "typical" hair texture - which tends to be fragile - hence the need for a head scarf. He seems to have no intention of doing so either. Which is his choice. It's revealed that he cheated on his fiancee so even her appeal was not enough to guarantee his fidelity.

Notice how his friend points out that his dating trends are limited to white and "exotic" women. He doesn't date women who look like her. This is where I react and not because I think black men belong to black women but because of the apathy and disregard that has become the norm. It's so one-sided where we are rejected for no reason at all other than the poor attitude of these men. His underlying disdain is so obvious. He doesn't value black women as equals. 

There isn't anything we can do about it - or should try to do about it actually but WAKE UP. If the role was reversed and it was black women exercising their rights to date and bed all the non-black or "exotic" men they wanted black men (and some black women who don't want us to have choices) would be howling. Like this poster at The Black Snob who has no verifiable account to trace back to them but is complaining about Black Women Empowerment bloggers who "constantly talk about black men" and "push mating with white men". Ha! The lack of reciprocity and blatant hypocrisy is what infuriates me.

I loved her reply to him though how any man she's with would notice her quality as a mate and not hold wearing a scarf against her. Even Anthony Bourdain knows what a doo-rag is used for. Are you paying attention ladies?

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Lavette said...

Good Afternoon!

I'm a reader over at Sara's blog and I came upon yours from hers. I just read this post and I agree hands down. T.O. practically gives his two friends the virtual middle fingers whenever Monique comments about the kinds of women he dates especially from last nights episode.

If i would a PR professional I certainly wouldn't have somebody like T.O. on my clientele roster and if he was dealing with somebody white he would not be acting that way with them.

Anonymous said...

Hello Faith,

I saw one episode of this show and I immediately thought of Halima's post concerning MJ and her analysis/observation where BM want to marry and procreate with the WW, but cast the BW as the mammy. Which was what I got out of an episode of this show.

That he has these BW in his corner looking out for his best interest and "taking care of him/his image" and yet he he will go to all lengths to wife and sire children with a non black woman.

I hope they are really getting paid bc in the episode I saw one of the BW had an argument with him over one of these WW and it was so embarrassing.

I really don't see him as worth all that effort. He seems kinda slow in the head.

Khadija said...


Please excuse the extreme length of this comment. I hope to amplify one angle of the point that you made in this post.

I believe AA women need to apply the same analysis that you suggested (of asking "What, if any, value does this individual provide to AA women?") across the board. That includes scrutinizing who it is that we bother to interact with. On any level.

During these online discussions, we're often unfamiliar with the people that we're talking to. Faith, this is what you alluded to when you confronted one BM commenter about his lack of a traceable commenter ID.

As you know, a lot of folks want to comment without any sort of accountability. So, they invent new, closed profiles that they use for leaving certain types of comments. They do this because they don't want anybody following up with them at their own blogs; or making reference to their commenting history (as I'm about to do below).

WARNING: I'm repeating the following for illustration purposes ONLY. Ladies, please DON'T waste your time or breath on this individual. Please DON'T run over to his blog or over to The Black Snob blog to argue or otherwise interact with him. Please ignore him in reference to this.

Keep in mind the following questions that I often wonder as I run across this particular individual commenting over at various AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN'S BLOGS:

1-Why does this man hang out at so many AA women's blogs? Especially considering how very little he says he has in common with AA women?

2-Do the women talking to him know this guy's history in terms of his remarks about AA women?

3-If so, why do they bother interacting with him?

I have a fairly long memory when it comes to nonsense, and I vaguely recalled seeing The Angry Independent commenter being specifically (somewhat humorously) referenced and called out at another BW's blog.

I managed to find his original post that elicited the friendly "call-out" from the other blogger. Here are some pertinent quotes from it:


“Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Why I Hate Being Black No. 899

Black Women And The Race To The Bottom: Will the Fascination With the Bad Boy/Thug Ever Begin to Wane? And How Are Black Celebrity Women Contributing To This Problem?"

Khadija said...

Part 2 (still quoting from The Angry Independent's blog post)

"Does their position as validators, legitimizers and apologists for a destructive culture harm young women (and young men) and drag down the Race? I don’’t think there is any question that their role is and has been harmful. The question is……. how harmful has it been and can their influence be curtailed?

. . . I noticed that the young women around me (particularly Black women) always seemed to go for the jocks, thugs, the troublemakers, the gang members……and the wannabe Rap stars. Any guy who was concerned about actual schoolwork, came to class everyday, took notes, etc.. was most often seen as boring and socially unattractive. That seemed to be the easiest way to ensure that you would be ignored by young Black women in school- carry lots of books. It acted as a repellent to Black women, although I didn’’t intend it to be as such. It wasn’’t until years later that I got a better understanding of this or realized why it happened. I saw the same pattern in adulthood, only worse.

I also came to realize that if I ever wanted a partner, that I may have to look outside of the Race…….even though that is something that I don’’t necessarily want to do as a purpose driven thing. But it may become necessary. It may be my only option once I start to date seriously (after I reach financial viability…… only God knows when that will be). As much as I want to love Black women……. I have too many issues with the culture…….so many that I don’’t see Black women as the most dateable. It goes back to the issues that I have mentioned…… Black women who are racing to the bottom with the kinds of choices they are making, particularly with men…….ultimately dragging the Race down the tubes.”


Here's part of the same individual's comment dated today from The Black Snob discussion:

"Regarding the interracial relationships- I'm all for it... especially for Black women. I wish more Black women would consider it. Maybe they wouldn't be so pissed off and negative. :)

One of the main things that turns me off about Black women (not all...but many of them) is their negative attitudes and bad temperaments. As a decent man... I have a radar that can detect this stuff from 5 miles away...and she doesn't have to say a word. Their negative energy oozes out...along with their aggressive demeanor, confrontational attitude, sense of entitlement, shallowness (which almost all women have), ....etc. It's all there. There are other reasons why I am generally more attracted to other women.... the main reason being that I don't tend to have much in common with Black women.... but the negative attitude thing is also near the top of the list.

But you can't change it man. Don't expend your energy on it. It's just wasteful.

It is what it is.... And life is too short.... be happy."


Again, why are so many of us interacting with this person online? Why is his participation in BW's blog conversations welcomed? Are we paying attention?

[I won't bother to ask whether or not the Internet Ike Turners or Black Unity fascists have ever confronted this particular BM (The Angry Independent) who entitled his blog post "Why I Hate Being Black No. 899". You know, since they're sooo concerned about maintaining Black unity...]

Ladies, other people [especially the Jewish community] have LONG memories in terms of people who insult them. Maybe we need to learn how to have long memories too.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Lavette: Welcome! Sara's blog is very useful for many of us. I wonder if the issue is their lack of separation as "friends" and "employee" or even if they realize the lines of professionalism is blown. Of course they're starring in it as well so it adds to their profile. SMH. It's still offers an important lesson for those that wish to see it.

Aphrodite: Yes! I thought about Halima's post as well. Until then I thought MJ's choice of his mother was one from honoring their closeness and we all know he adored Diana. I hadn't known the nannies were black and used as guards as well. It was something I had to mull over - and frankly I lost even more respect for MJ and I didn't think that was possible. So again, constantly evaluating these men and what they DON'T OFFER to us as black women collectively speaking I am finding it HARD PRESSED to see examples of normative behavior.

Khadija: Wow. I'm glad for your eagle-sharp mind! We should ALL be thanking you!! Yes I vaguely remember that article and I did engage him at the time because I thought his premise was ridiculous. This was before the term DBR and Low/No Value became part of my lexicon but I remember thinking something was very off about the entire post and AI was trying to appear to be less hateful than he clearly is! Black women bloggers have got to stop giving these men free reign. I knew responding to his rantings over at Black Snob was more of a useless endeavor as far as getting him to change his mind but I couldn't let that post stand unaccounted for the numerous readers that would visit that thread.

Khadija said...


Oh no, my concern isn't about the excellent comments you made over at The Black Snob. [Not that what I or anybody else thinks about that matters. We're ALL "free agents"! LOL!]

My issue is that so many BW continue to welcome the participation of men like The Angry Independent in our conversations. As if he's a legitimate participant to discuss issues that are of concern to BW. So, somebody can hate us, but if he prefaces his hatred with "As much as I want to love Black women……" then it's okay? This is what I find so amazing about some of these conversations.

As to T.O.: He has a right to spend his money and time on whoever he wants. The same way I have the right to totally ignore his problems if and when he has a "Skip Gates/OJ/Wesley Snipes/Michael Vick, etc. Experience." We're ALL free agents! LOL!

Thanks for another great post.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Anonymous said...

Hello Faith,

I haven't seen the show you're talking about because I don't watch much t.v. these days!

But I did want to say this, and forgive me for any typos or errors I'm on my way to work.

I believe that:

1)Life is not fair, and things don't always go as we planned them.

2)There groups of people, and individuals that want to see you a) dead b) in permanent state of submission and humiliation c) isolated and or cut off and d)economically, and politically marginalized.

3) Question, question, and question EVERYTHING.

4) Mentally, and emotionally block out people, places, and things that are trying to KILL you. I'm not focusing on ANYTHING having to do with DBR bm or bw. It's normal to be offended or even angry when bm or any one keeps trying to assinate both your image and CHARACTER for the whole world to take in.

5) Recognize when some one or a group of people are trying to kill you. I personally believe that many bm have declared war on bw, and their angry is completely mis-directed.

Have a great week, and thank you for all your work here.


Anonymous said...

Oh, I also left a comment on Black snobs page.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Khadija: I agree with you about the lax attitudes from black female bloggers - and these women in general - who have such a lax attitude about allowing these violators, abusers and otherwise disgruntled males such free reign and easy access to their forums and their person. I see it as the "black community" indoctrination at play where they think in terms of race and black males as perpetual victims instead of as predators and fully functioning aggressors. I didn't think you were discouraging a response to the ITTs at all but about the continued arguments some people engage in as they try to introduce dissent. We can't allow this poison to spread nor should we be led down a rabbit hole of obfuscation. I was thinking AI and this politically incorrect person were one in the same.

Sister Seeking, Miriam: Greetings! Your #3 is very important and one that too many blacks especially do NOT do!! I was just having a conversation last night with another blogger about when we registered to vote and she knows many "educated and intelligent" blacks who are not actively engaged or registered. The conversation was pertaining to Obama and health care and the efforts at derailing any progress on that front. The opposition is active and focused while so many of us haven't even gotten out of bed mentally.

Nia said...

I also followed the comments on that post over at The Black Snob. The first thing that the commenter in question did was to proclaim proudly: "I divested from the black community or black women or whatever years ago." or words to that effect. That was when the red flag immediately went up for me because if, as he claims, he is so "divested" then why feel the need to comment (at length) on what black women do or don't do or what they should or should not be doing?
Faith, I thought your response to him was brilliant. I do agree that engaging with these individuals is a waste of time because they like to wallow in a certain mindset. However, your response was important for OTHERS with commonsense to be able to read and form an opinion.
I also definitely agree with Khadija's points: 1. Just ignore these people (this is something I didn't do before but that I have now begun doing and 2. The online trail of bitterness and ignorance that this commenter and commenters like him leave behind will always speak for itself.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Nia: Thanks. I also went back to the Black Snob and the original poster claims to be female. Either way this person is not working in the interests of black women. These ITTs lie and obfuscate.

Anonymous said...


I went to the Black Snob and I saw what you all were referring to. I can see all the reasons why men or women posters like those you are referring to should be muzzled and not allowed into our safe spaces.

After much reflection I will say this- I have received my second confirmation that I am not crazy.

The Angry Independent is a wonderful example of a "good BM" (looks great on paper if we take at face value that what he says about himself is true i.e. educated, creating financial stability etc) who is also intensely DBR and hates BW.

I think men like him are extremely dangerous. His BW only want thugs spiel is a red herring to divert from the real stink in the room.

bwdb said...


We need to cease allowing these characters from having any serious platform on BWE blogs (myself included...)

My dilemma often comes with whether or not to allow a snake-post in, revealing the spirit behind it as a "Teachable Moment"

My dilemma also comes with having that bizarre sense of humor for the macabre ...Some of these IIT's make truly incredulous statements which have me in stitches...So I let them remain on my blog like a dead fish...

Which brings me to my confession:

I did go on "Black Snob" and responded after some thought...However, I did NOT address AI directly, as his statements do not warrant any conversation...However, there are BW who believe these males have a sincere desire to dialogue and wanted to reveal how that is inherently false...

bwdb said...


With this and in many cases: Not worth the 'paper' it's written on!

"...The Angry Independent is a wonderful example of a "good BM" (looks great on paper if we take at face value that what he says about himself is true i.e. educated, creating financial stability etc) who is also intensely DBR and hates BW."

PVW said...

Exactly regarding T.O. and the Angry Independent...

I once heard a black man who as far as I knew, was dating black women exclusively, explain why in his view black men date non-black, ie., white women.

This all ties in with black women as the mammy white women as the ones to marry.

In their view, white women are raised to be wives, but black women are not.

Talk about blanket statements and stereotyping.

It is nothing but an excuse for prejudice, like Angry Independent has been doing. But rather than call it prejudice, blame black women.

Plenty of white women don't raise their daughters to be "wives" in the traditional sense, and plenty of black women do so, training their daughters to think of themselves in terms of marriage in the future.

So it is bogus to claim otherwise.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Aphrodite: We don't know who our real allies are nor what are real boundaries are and how important our agendas are until they're tested.

CW: It's your blog and you have to decide what that fine line is. I do think a teachable moment can have its place as long as the blog host is totally in control of the comment section. I think so many of us are still confused about the difference between those who offer opinions that aren't our own and outright sabotage by snakes in disguise. There was zero moderation of that thread, except for the efforts of us individually at interjecting some policing and common sense.

PioneerValleyWoman: I still find examples such as what I've featured beneficial so "those with eyes will see and ears will hear" if they are willing. I'd say even if TO married a black woman there are still numerous underlying issues that would undermine the relationship that he needs to resolve. Otherwise he's just parted with the bulk of his fortune and handed it over to an "infiltrator".