This is not a popularity contest.
This is not for kicks and giggles.
This is not what I do to pass the time.
There are lives at stake.
This blog discusses issues surrounding social justice - and the hypocrisy of those who are only interested in the ones that pertain to them.
I cover politics, pop culture and other subjects as they pertain to all of the above. Or whatever else I want to write.
My specific focus lately is on improving the lives of black women and girls but I also cover transphobia.
I invite you to walk this journey with me as it's a challenging one for all of us.
Now that you've have been duly reminded (or informed) of what I do here I hope that you will take my efforts with the seriousness it deserves. You're not going to find many blogs hosted by black women that is equally affirming of the issues I support. In certain cases my position will be opposite of what some may expect - which is why one should not assume. If you follow me online across various forums you will find that I'm fairly consistent in my interactions, tone and purpose. Why anyone would express surprise at this baffles me. Don't you know who I am?
I have never noticed how great the distance is in our ideology and the level of indoctrination and dysfunction on the state of black women, particularly African American women in this country until this week. (As well as the black community). I’m not Mother Theresa and I’m not here to ride the rescue wave. Nor do I see myself as some sort of guru, savior or dragon-slayer. I am a woman (not to be confused with your typical all-knowing black Superwoman) who realized that things were not exactly how they should be and I couldn’t put my finger on what was off. Now that I’ve gotten out of the Matrix I see plenty, but every time I think I’ve got it figured out a new level of dysfunction awaits. This has occurred across the board for many people in the US as the moral stock has plummeted but since I’m part of less empowered group within an even less empowered group my interests lay in elevating my station in life and freeing myself of certain mindsets that do not benefit me.
I had three very distinct and abnormal encounters with black men (all strangers) this weekend. One wanted to be overly familiar and when I told him he was violating my boundaries he wanted to deny my right to set them. He felt like his standards of what was appropriate for me was just a-ok. My little opinion be damned. And he has a Rev. title! The other two are writers who took issue with my posts from the past few days - not a big surprise. I see the toxic behavior up close and personal and I not only have to filter out my interactions with these DBR (damaged beyond repair) Negroes online (because I engage in social media and discuss social justice/racism/sexism/black woman hatred but I have to withstand the scrutiny and difference of opinion of other black women still in "defend the black man/save alla our people" mode as well.
No where do I see consistent examples of anyone sticking up for black women – except on the black women empowerment blogs.
Not only have I grown as a person from reading the works of unindoctrinated women but I realize there are few truly safe places where we can go online without being bombarded, harassed, questioned or condemned for some "fault". I feel the need to mention that sticking up for us as a collective doesn’t mean condoning everything we do as individuals either. There is a high standard of accountability as well as expectation of respect and living an amazing life. That door swings both ways.
One theme has emerged from our conversations is the never-ending accusation of being angry or expecting too much and a request to cut black men some slack. No why on earth would I cut a GROWN man slack? If he hasn't figured out how to behave in public, be a person of substance or engage other people online in a public forum why should I be the one to make concessions? That is insane to me. So is the accusation that we must harbor hate or vitriol for black men because we have high standards. Some of us are married to black men and were raised by wonderful men who provided and protected us. Now with the current 70% never married rate for black women and the 80% out of wedlock birth rate and a host of other issues I am not seeing this as the standard anymore. Fatherless men do not know how to provide and protect naturally. If someone isn’t looking out for your best interests why expend time and energy looking out for theirs at your expense?
I am not tied to the "black community". I’ve already discussed why I believe there is no black community left. Though I would really like President Obama to be able to wave a magic wand and elevate the underclass, working class and middle class I know that’s not going to happen. For many reasons. We have no engaging culture to speak of. That’s why Perry getting his hooks into For Colored Girls is so infuriating. No one is going to convince me the average hip-hop song, music video, the emergence of street “literature” that glorifies criminality, the constant promotion of reality shows where blacks are the lowest of the low (don’t make me list them) is a worthy expression of culture and fairly represents blacks. We have diminishing political clout and will be usurped by the next "minority" ethnic group to emerge after the next Census comes out.
The only thing holding back the latest backlash of white racism from expanding to an all-out race war is the few old guard Civil Rights-era politicians and some of the more liberal-leaning whites. Guilt will be gone with the death of the Boomer generation. We’re post-racial. Also other non-whites groups didn’t collectively oppress blacks so it’s every group for themselves from now on. One of the reasons why I’m so frustrated with the inaction of the President has to do with the unreliability of the black constituency. Too many of us accept mediocrity, excuses and limitations as just another day. If I’m sounding preachy I’ll remind you I am very opinionated and you are free of course to prove me wrong about this!
It’s funny (not) because the only consistent problem I have on these public forums is when I encounter some black men exercising their right to be misogynistic. They just don’t like being challenged on any front. Their egos are too fragile. I am not an angry person but I will respond in kind to being denigrated. I’ve already stated I think this Negro Derangement Syndrome affects the majority of black men. If you disagree with that and your father, husband, brother, cousin or neighbor has been fully inoculated bully for you. Certainly you don’t think because you have relationships with people that they are without faults? That because your man loves you that he can’t display sexist behavior to another woman? That those who fight for racism are without prejudices of their own? I don’t claim to be perfect by any means. My blog is my space and I guard it fiercely. You don’t call someone crazy after arguing semantics when the core issue is your anger over being criticized. That’s an obfuscation. It’s typical troll behavior to deflect an argument on some other non-related issue to try to obscure the attack. Then when confronted to claim ignorance of the behavior and accuse the person you were attacking of being angry/mean/uncooperative.
I do not require agreement on all issues but a likemindedness on the important ones like the status of black women is vital I see. It’s not the only topic I wish to discuss however. I have one blogger I follow who does address the inequalities amongst LGBTs related to all areas of transphobia. There was a time I said to her: Hey can you lighten up? I completely understand why she does not. She’s one of the few voices to consistentlyspeak on it. Her words may be difficult to read at times but her truth shines through. She’s usually 99.99% correct to boot. She’s not full of rage or anger though she’s just very focused. So am I. Perhaps other people have numerous buffer zones, support systems and financial resources available to them. What about those who do not? What about those who cannot speak for themselves? This isn’t about me personally. I’m not being abused (except for my writing), I’m not living a life of quiet desperation. I have plenty of freedom. I could in fact not discuss any of this but I think having knowledge of things leads to further responsibilities. Not past the point of putting oneself in harm’s way or doing too much, but in telling our stories. I am reminded this is NOTHING compared to what Alice Walker, Ntozake Shange and other black women empowerment writers went through. So I must be striking a nerve! Good.
I have times when I feel stressed to the max. It's a sign I need to disengage. Last week outside events were more upsetting than my offline life. The Dunbar Village trial. The Maia Campbell tape surfacing and all that entailed. The Chris Brown denial and continued acceptance of criminality amongst some of us. Tyler Perry hijacking a very important story part of the canon of the AA female life experience. The ongoing opposition to the President (my criticism is not opposition to his leadership). These things do have an effect. But supposedly life for the black female collective is just hunky dory. Except when you do a side by side comparison to other groups of women then you see how far down the totem pole our standards are. But pretending is better than admitting that for many.
As to my interactions, I had one writer go through my followers list on Twitter to contact certain women to get background information on me after I wrote my post criticizing his attack on black women. I had another writer who coincidently also writes for the Root tried to argue with me that Majora Carter wasn’t a pioneer of environmental efforts because women from another generation came before her. I never said she was the FIRST and ONLY. I don’t know her and have not placed her on a pedestal – but I can easily spot the tactics of a DBR male who was wildly declaring she didn’t deserve one. I was critiquing Van Jones and in the end I believe this is what this male was criticizing me for.
Why on earth should I listen to anyone who approaches me in a disrespectful manner? I was very clear in how I worded my post. In case you’re still wondering where the insult originated from it surfaced in 1) presuming to tell me something as if I don’t know how to Google (research) people and subjects 2) chastising me in another forum. Had he really been interested in having a legit conversation he could have signed in like everybody does and written a comment. But he sought to lecture me instead.
I’m not going to allow anyone to dictate the content of my blog while dissing me. Are we really going to lob an argument about journalistic standards when those at the top of their field are repeatedly busted for plagiarizing the work of the mere “blogger”? Having a byline means you managed to get someone to hire you. I’m doing this for free. I write new content every day. Who’s showing more dedication? I have had people give me information that may have necessitated an update which I have been happy to do. But I think it takes a particular type of asinine person to nitpick over semantics and ignore the entire blog post. Internet Ike Turners are men and women who troll blogs and online forums to obfuscate, castigate and derail conversations. They also like to spread confusion.
Everyone is welcome in this forum but it's not a free for all. Read at your leisure. Comment at will – following my posting rules of course. If my opinion is that different from your own you're not likely to change my mind. If you find such little value in what I say why get upset? Just move on. Life is short ya know. I won’t take it personally. We all have different paths to walk in life. I am very opinionated and confident in my point of view. I’m certainly willing to learn something BUT if you haven’t spent time at my blog forum, I haven’t verified who you are and we haven’t built mutual trust do NOT expect me to give you the benefit of the doubt or a wide berth.
If you attempt to define what I’ve written and tell me something completely opposite of what it says I urge you to re-read and take a breath before contacting me. Often when we react strongly to concepts we may place added meaning where there is none. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re going to remake me in your image of what you think I should be. So. Not. Happening.
**P.S. If you're accessing this post through Twitter and wish to engage a longer conversation please sign in HERE at this forum and leave a comment.
21 comments:
Faith,
I find it more than unfortunate that so many of these people prefer to use their energies to attack those who are trying to bring clarity to the dire straits the BC is in and its atrocious impact on the lives of BW and girls versus actually using that energy to improve the situation.
Where are all the voices to uplift and take action...? I don't know of any "Good BM" blogs discussing what they need to do to improve the situation or taking responsibilty by behaving like NORMAL MEN are supposed to behave and teaching other BM how to behave. They are silent.
There is no denying the facts that the community is imploding on all levels.
If we were wrong, the numbers would look very differently but they don't.
I commend you for your efforts.
There was the atomic or nuclear clock showing as to how far the world was before a nuclear war.
For the BC and how close it is before complete anarchy: it is already 5 minutes before 12:00....
It seems that any black woman daring to establish boundaries is enough to set some of these men off into a rage. In general I don't talk to men online. I don't friend them on Facebook or Twitter either. I'm not interested in engaging with men online in anything other than a public forum. I do this out of respect for my marriage and my husband. No, this is not something my husband makes me do. In fact, I'm pretty sure he knows nothing about it. There are a few exceptions. There are some guys I've know 10+ years that I know are righteous. I also have some male fans that are FB friends, but generally they email me first. Other than that no.
When a man tries to friend me on FB, I simply ignore them. One guy tried to friend me a half dozen or more times, then he emailed me to inquire as to why I wouldn't friend him. I told him I didn't friend men on FB. He absolutely went into a deranged fit. He emailed me time and time again sometimes using the most vile language and calling me a white man's whore. I finally managed to get him banned from the forum where I'd originally met him, and blocked from my email. It was absolutely insane.
This is not the first encounter of this type I've had. It's ongoing and emblematic of the lack of respect black women receive every day.
No, you are 99.99% too. I've been reading your blog, commenters and similar blogs for a couple months and there are many women and some men who think like you.
Some may say DBR is too strong a word but it's apt when people don't want to change. For the last 24 years, I noticed my community did not want to change for women and girls and it looks like it never will. It's scattered politically except of course to help the men.
DAMAGED
BEYOND
REPAIR
More and more black women are asking themselves, REALLY asking themselves, "Ain't I a Woman?"
The answer comes, "Yes"
Apparently, alot of folk are upset about that.
Great post!
It is absolutely frustrating to see so many blogs that are dedicated to the maligning of the Black woman and our image.
I think that the most powerful ways we have at our disposal to combat the demeaning attacks on the Black woman in our society today are sites such as yours and others who refuse to let this travesty remain the status quo.
Faith,
Keep up the good work! You and other BWE Bloggers are being attacked because you are truly helping to set bw free. Most of us just lurk but believe me your blog and others like yours are really making a difference in the lives of bw. BTW, bm are always whining cut me some slack, cut me some slack. Well, bw have been cutting them some slack for centuries. But they get furious when we ask when are they going to take up the slack? Real men take up slack. When a woman expresses a need or desire to a real man, he might not say anything right then, but he quickly acts on it, and the next time you encounter the situation or the problem, you can see that the real man has corrected it, (or taken up the slack) as a point of pride to himself. Do we see any correction in the bc? Have bm stepped up to take up the slack? No. Things have gotten worse, which is why so many of us bw are quietly alerting those we care about, and preparing to get outta dodge.
Celeste
Faith
I have read your blog and Khadija's for 6 months now. I don't think I ever commented on a post. I just find that the tone on some of these BWE/IR dating blogs have changed in the last year. I guess that bloggers are getting tired of repeating themselves. Many have gone on with their lives to do bigger things or are taking a hiatus due to the Ikettes who keep commenting. It is so sad that some of these women have to put up with such vile hate from DBRm. I know I get tired of reading comments from pollyannas. They still don't seem to get it. they need to get out of these ghettos and cesspools and get a real life/job/man. All in that order mind you!
Karen: I'd like to see these normal men take a more active role as well to come reign in the bad apples who scream the loudest.
Roslyn: You've been offering very astute comments and it is greatly appreciated. I have to figure out how I'm going to engage with others in these public forums and continue my personal career goals, but the work we're all doing is too important to allow for the ITTs to ruin.
donna: Thanks. We're gonna find our community of like-minded people.
foreverloyal: We are women hear us roar!
blackbutterfly: Obviously these few blogs (of which I think I'm one of the more recent and am grateful for those pioneers) have a reach beyond what we imagine.
celeste: Thank you for the encouragement. All of your support means a lot and thanks for your participation.
I meant you are 99.99% right too.
It's not so hard. There are groups interested in fighting sexism/patriarchy and welcome any women and men who are interested in the same. There are women of color in the past who were models fighting racism and sexism. You know many. I'd add Michele Wallace. I chose the Asian community first IRL and online but they were completely hostile to feminism and women's issues that didn't follow the men of color's narrative. Very few Asian women think intersectionally so they toe the Asian men's narrative which is completely wrong from a feminist perspective.
@Faith
Excellent post! Do not give these misogynists any audience whatsoever...Let them flail their arms and legs like bratty 2yo's...We are not going to stop our activism and reaching out to BW because contrarians "Throw a hissy fit"...
@Karen
Dissenters who target BWE blogs will most likely NEVER take the initiative to improve any situation...They will focus their energies on attacking and derailment...The so-called "Good BM Blogs" are useless to us...These forums tend to remain silent on issues pertaining to the abuse, exploitation and abandonment of Black women & children...In a productive society the good men will ostracize and deal with the lower elements of that populous...Many will see the 'Chernobyl' all around and consistently deny things are that bad...I suppose it will take every third person who steps out of their home to die a violent death when going to and from work, school, etc...The ignorant will still proclaim that it's not everyone who's dying...Nothing to see here!
@Roslyn
It galls me when certain men imply that we shouldn't have boundaries...I am also baffled at how much weight (BW especially) but into what these men say online...At times it's downright funny...Thinking to myself "You Must Be A Joke!"...
Ref the man who got his friend request ignored: I guess you should have befriended him, apologized and made cupcakes after he call you all of those wonderful names!
@Donna
Call a 'spade' a spade!
@Sistrunkqueen
I'm personally am tired of repeating the same thing and am ready to move forward...I will not weigh myself down trying to drag those who don't make any effort to save their own lives....My eyes glaze over when seeing the "Cut him some slack" and "Stick your head in the sand" comments...I really don't care who accuses me of being rude & intolerant...
There's a lot more I can get into regarding the complete lack of critique of Asian men's narrative and Asian women's buying and selling of it. Maybe another time...
@Khadija & Faith
This behavior also reminds me of a pre-teen girl who calls everyone to see if a certain boy likes her...But Khadija, you brought a very scary yet realistic element into this...I think to Asia McGowan, Brian Milligan & The Pietrazks when observing this type of behavior...
"You said, "As to my interactions, I had one writer go through my followers list on Twitter to contact certain women to get background information on me after I wrote my post criticizing his attack on black women."
This is yet more confirmation of my suspicion that for MOST of these suppposedly "decent, professional brothers," the soul of a potentially-dangerous, Negro male street harasser lies just below the surface. "
donna: We're thinking the grass is so much greener for other groups of women. If it makes you feel any better Asian women as a whole are still protected at a much higher rate for the collective. I suppose this is the opposite of the Oppression Olympics, lol.
CW: Thanks! Someone asked me if I'd be willing to engage the misogynists in a more controlled environment and I had to consider it for a bit. I don't think there can be a controlled environment though and I also don't see any benefit from it. We don't need to have direct black male participation to discuss our own issues with indoctrination, foul behavior and ultimately our freedom from the Matrix and empowerment.
Khadija: That veneer is getting much easier to spot from miles away now.
***Thanks Ladies for Your Participation Today***
This is just one of the few reasons why I got my daughter a sword, a straight razor, and make sure she knows her forms like the back of her hand.
As an avid reader of your blog (i know i missed a few weeks this summer, but cut this brother some slack... lol), I have to say that I enjoy reading it and you are correct, very very few blogs do what you do WHICH IS why you are needed.
Don't let any of these knuckleheads sway you or make you rethink your position. CUT THEM NO SLACK!
I may not agree with you all the time, but you always bring new points to a discussion that I never thought of before. As a recovering misogynist, I need these view points to help me re evaluate my progress.
Thanks, keep up the good work, adn change for no one.
Courage, Acts of Faith, Courage! But just think about how your story here proves more than anything you could spend ages writing about--actions speak louder than words!
Your safety is more important than blogging. I have a paranoid condition but want to put it out there.
Brother OMi: Hey Summer is meant for leisure time with family - read at your own pace. I appreciate your candor and admitting your misogyny because to hear it you're the only one! You bring valuable perspective and balance to this blog and thank goodness my shift in topic hasn't discouraged your participation.
Pioneer Valley Woman: Thanks.
Donna: It's all good. It's more about being inconvenienced than anything else but I'm going to cut these interactions short and keep it moving.
@Faith
Please do not engage these people you speak of...It will serve no purpose to fight an uphill battle trying to save a unresponsive/hostile audience...
CW: I've figured out how the better utilize my time by hitting the block button and ignoring certain people. I've realized that I am under no obligation to engage these troubled entities and it's not for me to try to correct anything either. My sanity thanks me.
I think I hear "crickets"...
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