Tuesday, September 29, 2009

How Black Women Stuck In the DBR Matrix Fall Down The Rabbit Hole Even Further

We don't have to stay in the Matrix.

I have a lot of sympathy for the young woman featured in this segment. This was from a Tyra Show episode on racial perception. It had the usual discriminatory attitudes and inflammatory behavior but this woman is clearly hurting and very very confused. She's adopted the negative attitudes and insecurities stemming from black men who reject women with features like hers. To add further insult to injury she believes the lie that other men would also reject her.

I was relieved that Tyra kept insisting that her experiences directly related to the men she's been dating. I'd also add that I suspect some other people in her life are also guilty of stomping on a more positive and accurate outlook that prevents her from being her best and living her fullest life. Hopefully she listened and some of that disordered thinking has been expelled.



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13 comments:

ebstarr87 said...

So many black women are hurting because the people they are in contact with day in and day out tell them or treat them as if they are they are ugly and worthless. Then these same people attempt to use these women and suck them dry for their resources. If the women attempt to leave these painful constructs, the DBRs do all they can to prevent the women from forging her own healthier ties by calling her uppity, 'bougie', an 'Oreo", 'actin' white' and blahblahblah. That is why women who seek to move on must do so without broadcasting her plans. Just do it and if 'Baybay and dem' don't like it, who cares?

I just reread an old post by Khadija about Beverly, a young black woman who decided to divest and move to Paris. She said something that struck me as I related to it but never had been able to state it this clearly. She said that when she attempted to date black men the ones she considered high-quality did not find her attractive enough to date because she was not a "dime". She found that when she dated non-black men, she could attract high quality ones. My experience has been the same. I wanted a man with his own place, a car, a decent job and an advanced degree (or working on one) as that is what I bring to a relationship, among other positive traits such as being outgoing and fun.

Folks thought I was nuts for setting these bare minimum standards, because you
I didn't care what color the man was as long as he was into me and could show me respect and a good time. I had no interest in the "what if he is a UPS driver and gives good foot rubs?" folks because what they are saying really is black woman shouldn't have standards at all.

I hope the woman from the Tyra show is able to meet better quality men who will treat her well. What's the point of dating men who treat you badly and do not appreciate you? Move on!

Aisha said...

I remember watching this at the time it aired. I felt bad for this woman, I understood where she was coming from, but I also felt embarrassed. It felt like she was portraying this pathetic, woe is me image of Black women to the world. I felt that she was exposing her hurt in a place where people could exploit her.

I just don't think national television is the place for Black women to be dealing with our issues, which is why Tyra's show makes me uncomfortable(good vs bad hair, dark vs light, etc). Plus, it's not like she has an expert psychologist on there with her. It's just airing the dirty laundry and then what?

I agree that Black women need to get out of these unhealthy, all Black constructs. I've also been brainwashed at times into thinking that the way things are in the AA community is how it is everywhere else. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. But you have to actually experience other people and places first to be able to see that.

Nu Girl said...

This is what happens when we see ourselves through the lens of the DBR. She needs to get herself into an environment where she can heal from the poison and never look back.

The BC has become such a poisonous place for our children especially our girls.

rikyrah said...

this woman needs to heal, and I really appreciate the rest of the comments.

Taylor-Sara said...

Hey girl. You beat me to it! I was thinking of blogging on this very same thing because I saw that show too. Now I have to agree with the person who said she felt embarrassed because I did too. I was horribly embarrassed. I wanted to scream "Someone shut her up!" I mean Nat'l television! WTH! I don't think Tyra should have shows like this. The whole world certainly does not need to see more and more disfunction in the bc. Yes, we certainly need to talk about it, but not to everyone. To me, I'm sorry to say. I felt annoyed, and angry at this woman. She seemed so pathetic crying before the world hollering "Nobody wants a black woman!" It just felt sooo pathetic, and loser-like. I remember Tyra saying something to Eva. (who was the first bw to win Top model) She was crying because the other models realized her star appeal, and had grown viciously jealous (even the other bw model-yaya) Anyway, Eva was crying when she came out for judging. Tyra looked at her sternly, and said: "Go home and cry to your momma, but when you step on this stage, you present a smile to the world!" Then Nigel told her: "Never let the other girls know you're sad, because they'll take advantage of the situation, and pounce on you like snakes!"
I feel that Tyra should take her own advice. We cannot come out as classy, beautiful, proud women, while wearing the victim cape before the world. We have to cry to our mommas, and show the world a beautiful carefree smiling face... -Great post btw.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

ebstarr87, aisha, nu girl, rikyrah - Thanks for your feedback.

As with any enlightenment whatever epiphanies come are seriously correlated to the efforts of the individual at uncovering them. Speaking for myself I knew certain things weren't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. I just did NOT want to believe it was as dire or detrimental to our well-being as it is. It caused a lot of confusion and I'm speaking as someone who's led a more old-school middle class mentality life. A decade later here I am. After a year + of reading the BWE bloggers the lightbulb moment only came after direct contact with DBR black men who I'd assumed were "above" such behavior. Now I'm still working through this but I have to state for the record in my opinion it's the majority of AA black men - to me it's somewhere around 98%. When I go down a list of high-profile men and see who've they've chosen to partner with, the allowance of mass denigration and a line by line comparison of how women from other groups are treated collectively we have been pushed to the bottom of the heap. Individuals may be fine - great even - but not the collective. As painful as the reality is it's best for AA black women to know this and accept it so they can fashion the BEST lives possible for themselves. That means having a completely separate identity from Of course that also includes DBR black women but the majority damage is coming from one place: black men. Life is too short and there's too many great men (including non AA black men) out there to let pass by. Toxic people bring chaos, pain and a diminished capacity for living. Just looking at the tape and the pain expressed only serves to show us how deep the wounds go.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Hey Taylor-Sara: You commented as I was replying. I hear ya about black women publicly venting the dysfunctional attitudes (and behavior). It was one segment of a really annoying show with two white racists in the mix. It was a hodgepodge of ridiculousness. This is why I find Tyra's lack of skill at tackling these issues (or lack of reign over her producers) very problematic. Yet sometimes quite a few shows are in fact shedding light on important issues. There's the rub. She's learning as she goes, but it's at the expense of ALL of us. Grrrr!!! Unfortunately we have her, Wendy Williams (who is a trained broadcaster), Oprah (who sees black women as ever-suffering in many respects), Mo'Nique all helming talk shows and then there's the reality stars bringing the worst of the worst. Where does that leave the black woman who wants to exist in a non-colorist, non-black woman hating, uplifting environment? Holding the line with our blogs - for as long as we can devote time to them without getting in the way of our living what we discuss. ARGH!!!

Nia said...

I'm not embarrassed, but I do feel bad for the young lady in question that she expressed her pain in a forum where she could be exploited. If she personally gains healing from it then good for her, but national television is not the place for black women to talk about these problems, especially on talk shows such as these where serious issues are not dealt with in-depth or critically. People watching these types of shows do not really care about what black women are going through and many of them even get a kick / entertainment out of it - it's a big joke for many people to hear black women in pain.
I think though the only way she can begin to heal is if she stops believing that "no one wants a black woman". It's not true, only the TYPE of men she has been around all of her life don't want a black woman.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Nia: Tyra might do a follow-up of some sort and hopefully enough people have stepped forward to challenge the woman's mentality that she's turned her life around. Of course the more exploitive shows may garner ratings but aren't useful to the participants. Even Oprah realized that at one point and stopped doing them. Tyra still isn't "established" in my opinion. Popularity is not authoritative. On the other hand I remember when Dr. Phil was ridiculed for trying to get a Britney Spears interview when she was having her public meltdown. We have to question the intention of anyone with a talk show giving spotlight to people's dysfunction.

Chi said...

I sympathize with the woman in the clip, because I was that woman for the first 27 years of my life: Ashamed of my looks, convinced by others that because my type of beauty would never be appreciated except by those who just wanted to use me then leave. In short, I would have to get used to a lifetime of loneliness. My parents were great, telling me I was beautiful, but even that wasn't enough. It took deep and difficult reflection but it happened and I began wearing my African beauty proudly, and even stopped perming my hair. The resulting confidence attracted men of all types, and at 35, I am now happily engaged and can't wait to pic out my afro for the wedding!

My concern here is the Tyra Banks show. I've tried to watch it a few times, and while I'm sure deep down she's well-meaning, I honestly question whether her show is an adequate forum for true debate and engagement on these types of issues. I find blogs like yours much more thought provoking.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Chi: I know. I know. Tyra's show is problematic. It's great you were able to work through your obstacles. I think it's time for someone to do a DYI or Public Access show and post it to UStream, YouTube, Daily Motion, etc.

Who's gonna step up!!!

Damien said...

I was looking for information about the Mitrice Richardson case, and I found this BS.

I can never get a clear answer from Black women who preach the DBR crap.

Who damaged Black men beyond repair, if Black women claim that that Black men rarely step up to the plate and become fathers?

If White men (White knights as Black women who promote this DBR BS say) gave a s**t about Black women, then why didn't Mitrice Richardson get the attention she derserved from the media?

I am not start a flame war or anything of that nature. I'm just trying to see where some Black women are coming from?

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Damien: How do I say this in a nice way. Ok I'll be blunt. YOU ARE A LOSER. If you are really sooooo confused then you'd actually approach this from a place of respect for me and my readers. You're not confused at all. Did you even bother to watch the video at all? I found your comment hilarious so I published it but you are not remotely unique. In fact your response is rather typical for the DBR male. You don't provide value and are pissed that other women are getting a message of empowerment. You blatantly misrepresent the position of BWE bloggers and the focus on QUALITY MEN not RACE. Only men who can't compete cry and whine about it. You can go your way and I will go mine. Perhaps one day the light bulb will click ON for you. Men are responsible for raising MEN to be men. To take responsibility. To treat women with respect. To provide and protect. If you already knew this and did this there wouldn't be any confusion. If you had a real culture not surrounded by denigration of black women you'd get it. Take a moment and reprogram yourself. Or not. I could care less about what you think. Black women are free agents, not tied to what black men do. As more realize that all of you leeches will die on the vine and stop sucking up all our resources and using us as semen depositories and for food, money and shelter. Stand up for yourself and let go of your colorism. Be a REAL man and grow up and step up.