Sunday, May 24, 2009

Motherhood: 1 - Wife: 0

I call this Palin-itis. Whereby the female gets pregnant, keeps the child but decides there's no dad required. Per this article in the Orlando Sentinel, a Babytalk Magazine poll shows:
76 percent of the married mothers liked the idea of not fighting with a partner over the best way to raise a child. Other pros to being single were not having the chore of keeping up a healthy marriage (69 percent), and not dealing with in-laws (30 percent).

And single moms agree.

Almost two-thirds of the unmarried moms felt that it would be harder to be a parent if there was a man in the house. Of the single ladies, 55 percent said that they feel relieved to not have to worry about working on a marriage too, and 38 percent said they feel more free to follow their own dreams.
Now I'm not a wife and I'm not a mother, but I think I still have some marbles left in my head! What in the HELL-O is wrong with these women? This isn't Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston people. Levi is the fall-guy for the ex-VP candidate's stance on abstinence and he went on the Tyra Show to discuss how a) Momma knew her daughter and boyfriend were sexing each other b) Now that the baby is here they're limiting how often he can see his own child because they broke up and are otherwise dissatisfied with him and his family. 
It would seem some truly selfish and clueless women actually think it's better to raise a child alone. Now it's one thing if the father is unfit but...shouldn't there have been some requirements considered in the first place? Like being able to provide and protect? Like discussing what type of life and lifestyle you'll be living? Like giving some consideration to the person you'll be tied to FOREVER when there's a kid involved? Somebody explain this to me so I can understand. Since this article doesn't talk about adoption these are the biological children of these women. Why not take a child that's been abandoned or can't be cared for properly? If it's simply about being a MOTHER why does it have to have one's DNA? Why would a woman want to intentionally push a man away? 

Something isn't adding up here. I have to stand by my statement about some women being selfish and willfully ignorant. Before someone accuses me of blaming the female in this scenario alone I say youth can be a time of great foolishness but there comes a point where wisdom must prevail. If we want women to be in control of all reproductive choices then they must also know how to discern those choices wisely.  That doesn't always guarantee an agreement but nor should it invite constant chaos.

Of course there are numerous situations where a girl or young woman was taken advantage of, or assaulted or otherwise put in harms way. We also make mistakes. This isn't one of those scenarios. Besides, there are plenty of options available for those who are capable of procreating not to. One of them should be having common sense. Sadly it is often lacking. In both the sperm and egg donor. We see the results of how fatherless children or those born to weak men behave and the negative impact it has on society. So let's not add to its burdens intentionally.

Bookmark and Share


Anonymous said...

I refuse to believe that some women are actually saying this.

I am not a single parent, but have been used as a leaning post by women who happened to have found themselves in this position and all I can say is - they are lying to themselves and to others.

Now if you make over 150k a year and have nannies - maybe thats different.

But there have been times that I have had kids dropped off on my doorstep while they were pulling off down the driveway.

I don't see how they can get anything done especially with kids under 10 bc during my unintentional babysitting I couldn't get anything done in the house or outside. Everything is a huge production to go anywhere. I really don't see how mothers with multiple children do anything at all. I have witnessed rants about not having enough money that were violent enough to think they were having nervous breakdowns.


Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Aprodite: Feel free to check the sources! I couldn't believe it either. I tend to think the women polled were the same ones who went on Oprah's Mommy episode to basically complain abut how having kids ruined their lives. You know with their needs and such that got in the way of the pursuit of the mother's happiness. Ugh!

unhingedhips said...

I think women can easily fantasize about pushing a man/father away when- despite all the pre-conception conversations about equally shared parenting- it seems like the guy is making more work for you than he's doing. "Mother" and "Father" are powerful, deeply established roles, and it's a lot harder to challenge them than you realize when you're pre-children. And when your emotional, mental, and physical resources are stretched to the limit by young children, the demands/expectations of an adult spouse can be the straw that breaks the camels back. Sure, it's hard to raise children by yourself, but you feel like you're practically doing it anyway and if you were ACTUALLY a single parent at least you wouldn't have to pick up grown--ass-man socks all the time, or spend limited energy assuring him that 'yes I do still find you attractive I'm just really tired', etc. And sure, that's unfair, and sure, you should both get in there and unravel and challenge these unfair sexist behaviors and attitudes...but you don't have the freakin' energy.

It doesn't make sense, it's not rational, but I sure as hell get it.

CiCiWryter said...

unhingedhips really covered it all. you'd probably be surprised at how many mother's feel this way. I don't think the women are desiring to be single mother's initially, in most cases, or in the pathological way(where there is no money/resources and they're dropping the kids off on friends) but there is so much work to be done in our society to address the patriarchal privilege mindset. You might be surprised at the number of 'good guys', who have been extensively vetted, yet still don't understand the sacrifices necessary to effectively and fairly parent, beyond being good providers.
Although I'm reflecting on the sacrifices of soldiers today, I have been enjoying some of my day off reading blogs. Enjoying your ideas and writing :)

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Welcome Unhingedhips: Well I don't know what to say except I'm glad I don't have kids under these circumstances. If the ideal is to have help and for things to be a certain way but you don't have that I wouldn't want to have kids (if I did). I guess I'd need to have a certain amount of $$$ and an au pair or something because I would NOT be happy under those circumstances. I'd have one child and that's it! Thanks for participating!

Welcome CiCiwryter: Again I'm hoping for missing nuances here otherwise it sounds like a lot of women signed up for a bum deal and I can't abide by that. Thanks for visiting and contributing to the conversation.

Robin said...

I've got two kids myself and believe me, there's been times when I've wished I was a single parent. My husband was great with other people's little kids, a wonderful "dad" to our pug, and a generally intelligent human being who did 50% of the housework. I figured he'd make a great parent, and he'd always wanted kids. But when we actually had them I suddenly found myself doing all the work - my husband found that when actually confronted with a baby that was ours 24/7, suddenly there was all sorts of work that "needed" to be done on his home business (that hadn't needed to be done while I was pregnant or before)... or things that "needed" to be done outside the house... whatever he could do to escape. And the baby, which I'd expected to be a shared job, was all mine. Yet he still had his own needs which he expected me to meet - sexual needs, emotional companionship needs, etc. It was incredibly aggravating to spend all day and night taking care of a baby and then have a grown-up baby demanding my time and attention in the few minutes I had to myself. There were plenty of times he was simply Yet Another Hassle/Drain that I had to deal with.

Thankfully he's become a better father as our children have gotten older; he's more comfortable with older kids than younger. But yeah, I certainly now understand how a man can seem like perfect father material prior to procreating, and then once the 24/7 reality of the baby sets in, they drop their end of the deal. As unhingedhips pointed out, all those pre-conception talks and discussions about parenting don't mean much once the reality kicks in. Of course, by that time it's too late.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Robin: Thanks for the insight. It sounds like many people are coming from a point of privilege; lack of real, live experience; perhaps these men didn't have to assist in helping with siblings due to gender biases; and you/other women take on the burden and don't have extra help. I do think this brings an interest phenom to light though. Reality vs. Fantasy or What Actually Is Vs. What It Was "Supposed" to Be! I'm not open to forcing people into roles they're ill-equipped for but then the mother should have help. Of course if I suggest not having the kid that wouldn't go over so well!

Robin said...

I think you hit the nail on the head with some of those - now that single-child or two-child families are the norm, I think a lot of us (myself included) lack real-life experience because we were only children, close to our siblings in age, or were the youngest in our families. I mean, I babysat when I was a kid, but babysitting is very different from having a little kid around 24/7.

Goodness, extra help would be nice. *sigh* I think women really got screwed by the whole nuclear-family phenomenon, especially when that was combined with a lot of people moving a good distance away from their families due to work opportunities or other reasons. I live five hours away from any family (other than my husband) and I can't tell you how much I envy my friends who have their parents take the kids for visits on a regular basis (to give my friends a break).

If anyone ever comes up with some sort of a magic ball so we can see How It Will Actually Be prior to getting into the situation, please let me know! ;)

One thing I do wonder is if as many people would have kids if they had extensive experience with them prior to procreating. It's easy to want one when your experience is limited to babysitting as a teenager and then getting to hold your friend's babies for a couple hours during visits. But it's funny - I have three consciously-childfree female friends who were nannies when they were younger, and they've said basically that they've "already done enough child-raising to last the rest of [my] life!"

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Robin: I'm the first born of six kids and though I thought I'd have at least three when I was younger and it would happen by "osmosis" now that I'm in my 30's and still child-free I'm not sure I'm going to have any. I haven't ruled it out per se, but I decided I had to be married and had to have a minimum income level to support that choice. I used to think I was setting the bar very high (too high perhaps) but I see the wisdom in it. I didn't have to understand why just that it was the right choice for me. Anyway because I was given too much responsibility and told I had to take care of other kids that weren't even mine I have had my fill. I really don't like having to endure the crying and tantrums either, though I can walk down the street today see a baby and have that baby smile and coo at me as if we have some psychic connection.