NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
How many times can I type this? Can I PLEASE be able to go back to writing posts about Obama's trip to Africa or the latest antics of Rush Limbaugh? Lord, talking about that spiteful drug-addict would be a relief right now. Oh no. Foolish, indoctrinated, no common sense-having black people take precedence right now. Sorry I am black but I won't claim them. It's not that I think I'm better it's that I see this as a problem...and they don't. People who are NOT like-minded enough have CAN HAVE NO REAL TIES. Their purpose will lie in getting their point of view across above working together. Everyone cannot and should not think alike, but there has to be a core standard that is understood.
A fundamental fact of Negro American family life is the often reversed roles of husband and wife.
Dorothy Height: "If the Negro woman has a major underlying concern, it is the status of the Negro man and his position in the community and his need for feeling himself an important person, free and able to make his contribution in the whole society in order that he may strengthen his home."Negro children without fathers flounder -- and fail. Moynihan Report
Raising Him Alone (RHA) is dedicated to researching, designing, and implementing a campaign to support the social well being of single mothers raising boys. Through a series of intense community forums, workshops and support group initiatives, RHA seeks to increase access to resources in health & well being, Educational Support & Advocacy, as well as in Financial Literacy. via web site
To use a very popular social media term: BIG FAIL!! They should call themselves, "After You've Hooked Up With A DBR You'll Be Raising Him Alone If You Listen To Us". So DON'T LISTEN!
Since when do you start an organization that tries to address fatherlessness by focusing on the mothers? Why not have a NATIONAL CAMPAIGN FOR DEAD-BEAT or INADEQUATE FATHERS? Why not call it LET'S HELP OUR WOMEN - BY GETTING THE MEN TO FULFILL THEIR DUTIES? Why focus on the women who've been abandoned instead of getting the men back? Do they already know the men aren't going to be held accountable or are of such low-quality that they won't even TRY? If the core problem is male inadequacy there is NOTHING a woman can do to resolve that! He has to fix that himself.
This organization is the brainchild of two men, so why aren't they speaking to other men? I'm all for helping mothers - please do - but it isn't even called that. It's called Raising Him Alone. It's absolutely degrading to women - don't they see this? Forget about the daughters who are fatherless. They're being set up to bear the brunt of whatever burden befalls them because all the attention and focus will be given to the male child. If the male needs "rescuing" where does that leave the female child? An orphan. A Cinder Girl. It's racialized sexism personified. The imbalance of catering to the needs of the male will only reinforce gender discrimination. The male gets the "love" and the daughter gets what exactly? It reminds me of that expression that I realize indicates the disease: love your sons, but raise your daughters. Apparently girls can figure it out on their own - except when they're blamed as adults for making poor choices in men. Yeah right!
- Women can NOT successfully raise male children to be men without a MAN present.
- Women can NOT successfully raise female children without an adequate male role model.
*By the way this isn't a dig at LGBT parents. I am mostly focusing on hetero parents but I'd still say both sets of genders are best served by having great sets of both genders as role models.
This is what creates DBRs. Then the cycle repeats. It stands for Damaged Beyond Recognition. TM Evia's blog. Which is a person, usually a male who brings new meaning to word dysfunctional and takes out his inferiority complex and pain on unsuspecting (usually black) women. So a DBR isn't always racially or gender based. It's about the behavior, but the behavior tends to be displayed mostly by black males - because of all of the above.
They're not even trying to have a campaign that promotes marriage, opening up the social circles for these women to meet non-black men, tools for attracting quality men, or other survival skills. It's a war out there for many of these women (think Dunbar Village, Hovey Street murders, even Jennifer Hudson's family). Don't "prepare" them to be alone. Being alone means they have no protection from predators. What about the quality of life for the CHILD that's left behind? What about their needs? What are they going to do, tell the kid to just suck it up?
This is a political issue by the way, but when Obama dared to open his mouth about this black people stuck out their lip complaining that he was airing "dirty laundry", how they didn't like the "tone" and that he was doing it to impress whites that he could be "tough on blacks".
Well when you're wearing your dirty underwear outside your clothes ANYBODY can see it.
Children raised by never-married mothers are seven times more likely to be poor when compared to children raised in intact married families. Heritage.org
- Public assistance doesn't prevent a child from slipping into poverty.
- There are no shotgun weddings anymore because no one's looking out for the women.
- Two incomes are still better than one. Even if it's large. Jobs can be lost.
- Celebrities are not role models. Let's not model ourselves after them.
- This isn't about white people or what they think or being compared to them.
If mom is at work and dad is not much more than a sperm donor who takes care of the child? Or even if he's a dad, he's a telephone dad, an every other weekend dad - you can't raise a child over the telephone.
There was a time I really hated the Moynihan Report because I thought it was misogynistic and judgmental.
Now that the OOW (out of wedlock) birth rate was estimated to be 72% for 2007 by the CDC with a prior 5% growth rate every year between 2002-2007 where they listed the OOW rate at 70% for 2006, that would put the current rate around 80% for 2009. The official report won't be released until 2011 for data collected between 2006-2010. Anybody who wants to argue semantics is free to dispute my calculations, but even 72% is TOO HIGH!
It was at 35% in 1965 when Moynihan also wrote:In this new period the expectations of the Negro Americans will go beyond civil rights. Being Americans, they will now expect that in the near future equal opportunities for them as a group will produce roughly equal results, as compared with other groups. This is not going to happen. Nor will it happen for generations to come unless a new and special effort is made.There are two reasons. First, the racist virus in the American blood stream still afflicts us: Negroes will encounter serious personal prejudice for at least another generation. Second, three centuries of sometimes unimaginable mistreatment have taken their toll on the Negro people. The harsh fact is that as a group, at the present time, in terms of ability to win out in the competitions of American life, they are not equal to most of those groups with which they will be competing. Individually, Negro Americans reach the highest peaks of achievement. But collectively, in the spectrum of American ethnic and religious and regional groups, where some get plenty and some get none, where some send eighty percent of their children to college and others pull them out of school at the 8th grade, Negroes are among the weakest.The most difficult fact for white Americans to understand is that in these terms the circumstances of the Negro American community in recent years has probably been getting worse, not better.Indices of dollars of income, standards of living, and years of education deceive. The gap between the Negro and most other groups in American society is widening.The fundamental problem, in which this is most clearly the case, is that of family structure. The evidence -- not final, but powerfully persuasive -- is that the Negro family in the urban ghettos is crumbling. A middle-class group has managed to save itself (not anymore), but for vast numbers of the unskilled, poorly educated city working class the fabric of conventional social relationships has all but disintegrated. There are indications that the situation may have been arrested in the past few years, but the general post-war trend is unmistakable.So long as this situation persists, the cycle of poverty and disadvantage will continue to repeat itself.
As long as the situation persists the dysfunction will continue, grow, balloon, etc. Never did I think other black people would try to NORMALIZE it. Did they just throw in the towel or are they really that foolish? This organization is planning a tour. The had three mothers of rap artists speak in NYC on Saturday. I'm still waiting to know why they are an authority on child-rearing and their sons are pillars of the "community".
Where's the shame? Where's the outrage? People want to focus on a stupid club that won't let kids swim there but ignore what those kids are COMING "HOME" TO!
Did we need a push to send our elders to therapy to try to resolve the anger, frustration, inadequacy whatever wounds were still there from the racism? Did we need to keep neighborhoods and business separate so blacks were forced to band together and keep a minimum income level for the collective?
I have no idea, but dang it as I read this report with a totally different mindset I want to stick a pin in him but Moynihan was correct about a lot of what he wrote. He was still displaying racist tendencies but I guess I can forget about finding anti-racism activism here. The point is getting the cold slap of reality. The point is dismantling the indoctrination of race loyalty over common sense. The point is to stop looking solely at how white people behave towards blacks and fix the damage that blacks are doing to each other!!!
So what did all the black (male) "leaders" of that time decide to do? They ignored this sage advice, vilified the report and called him a liar. Well he's dead now but who's getting the last laugh?
Nonetheless, at the center of the tangle of pathology is the weakness of the family structure. Once or twice removed, it will be found to be the principal source of most of the aberrant, inadequate, or antisocial behavior that did not establish, but now serves to perpetuate the cycle of poverty and deprivation.
We SURVIVED so much. We are a STRONG and RESILIENT people. We can turn things around, but not without a REALITY CHECK. (Ok who am I kidding...this is more of the last call at the end of the night. Get your last drink on before it's over.) Telling women to expect to and prepare for raising children with no man present and no backup is like telling a five year old it's ok to go play in traffic.
What a fool believes
He sees
No wise man has the power to reason away - Doobie Brothers
41 comments:
Just when I thought it could not get any worse....SMH
Peace and blessings Faith,
When I reflect on the disaster of what has become of the masses of AA’s, here is an image that comes to mind:
A beautiful, sexy, talented, and educated black woman lying down on a beautifully decorated bed. Unfortunately she is sick. Standing beside her are legions of black men, and women whispering in her in her ears: DIE black woman DIE! And then a black man put’s his hand over eyes, and say’s “ DIE ***NOW*** black woman DIE***NOW***!!!
When I first saw Gina’s post on this conference, I was so angry that I couldn’t say anything decent, except well, to just pray!
All of the black woman empowerment bloggers should be blessed, for they are right: if we don’t divest from the BC, we are going to PERISH. Nobody is coming to save us, everything is being left on our shoulders.
Black women should REBEL, and in the words of a dear sister blogger ACT UP!
I don’t care about what is happening with the masses of black folks.
I’m done. I’m finished. I’m not looking back.
Only a dang fool will allow someone to point a gun at their head, and pull the firkin trigger.
I’m not feeling guilty about seeking refuge with other groups of people, and putting myself first. I’m not feeling guilty about being inter-culturally married, and I’m canceling any service/business/subscription I have with any so called black business. I’m so done. I’m also staying ( and keeping my child) away from any black woman who isn’t divesting and doing for herself.
Wishing you the best Faith, and by the way, I enjoy your political commentary.
Miriam
Just when I thought it could not get any worse - it has. SMH
No point in looking back, it is time to look forward.
Miriam,
we are >>righthere<<
Miriam: Thanks. I like the ACT UP! reference. We need a Black Woman's Act Up-type organization that tells people they have to racially alter their behavior or die.
That would make a great blog post actually. Thanks for the idea...
C4L: Glad to know because somebody else left my angry messages on another forum. I think it hit a little too close to home for her though so I'm going to try to shake it off
Felicia: Yes. Take the red pill, get out of the Matrix or DIE. It could be a slow death or a quick one but it will happen regardless. That's the message.
Well, I guess I'm going to have to be the first to push back a little bit.
As a Black woman raising a son alone I see the value in this org's mission. I don't think they are attempting to normalize single parenthood for black women, they are OFFERING SUPPORT. Which, quite frankly is SO necessary.
Would you feel better if it was called, "Raising THEM alone?" Although I do feel/see that raising Black boys presents its own unique challenges.
Honestly, I don't understand your outrage at a group that attempts to offer moms strategies and support for raising black boys who will eventually (and hopefully) grow into Black men who are positive, productive members of society. I see this org's mission (if they actualize it) as being a possible step toward breaking the cycle of single parenthood. Think about it, If you raise a generation of responsible, positive, successful Black men that positively will effect how they relate to our daughters.
Also, your assertion that this org (or others) should be tracking down "deadbeats" & dealing with trying to get the father involved instead of focusing on the challenges single moms face implies that both can't be done simultaneously. What's the point in tracking down the dad or trying to get him involved, while neglecting to support the mom's struggles (and she is the one RAISING the child. She influences him more than an fantom parent). As a single mom (son's dad is incarcerated, but involved as best as he can), I have stress. I have questions about discipline. I have questions about how to explain to my son his dad is away. I questions about how to teach him how to pee standing up. I have questions about teaching him to be a positive young boy, then man. Yes, I could take a parenting class, but just like support groups, it's more effective if I am able to share with and learn from people in my situation. Does it mean I revel in the situation? Hell nah. Would I rather raise him WITH his father? In a heartbeat, but I'm not going to apologize for seeking the support I need to help my son.
I didn't think I was angry at all. It's not in my personality. I challenged you on a few of the points because I felt you were over generalizing and missing the point of an organization such as the one you railed against.
I thought we walked away agreeing to disagree.
I see that's not the case.
Didn't see Prisoners Wife's comment before I hit send. I absolutely concur 100%.
Whoops a few typos got through:
Racially should be "radically".
Prisoner's Wife: Welcome and I understand we will all not come to an agreement about this. I am one mere blogger so feel free to dismiss everything I've said and live your life as you see fit.
I see offering SUPPORT as CONDONING which is NORMALIZING it. Not that I don't think black women need all the help they can get!! Believe me I KNOW!!!
This is my attempt at helping as well. The choices and behaviors have to be changed. The OOW birth rate didn't get there by osmosis. It is 4 times the rate for Asian OOW births. There is something decaying amongst blacks and too many people WHO KNOW BETTER remain silent while it goes on!
This is very important to me, something I take very seriously and is NOT A JOKE. I'm dealing with a relative who has basically given up on herself at the age of 21 because of the negative indoctrination she's received. YOU MAY BE OKAY but MANY GIRLS and WOMEN ARE NOT.
So since this doesn't apply to you DO NOT BLOCK what can be a LIFESAVING MESSAGE for someone else.
Bassey: Since you chose to identify yourself I allowed the comment through. I am not here to "argue" with anyone and I don't like having public disagreements with other black women either. It is very counterproductive to my purpose of uplifting all of us. Though I do know that we are all not like-minded nor should we be. Some conversations will have the temperature elevated. My feelings are mine to express. I have no animosity or any ill feelings towards you. So I am not going to fuel this any further. We have already agreed to disagree.
Faith, thanks for opening up a dialogue. I feel it's important for childless women to hear from those of us who are IN the business of raising kids. And learn from each other.
You said..."I see offering SUPPORT as CONDONING which is NORMALIZING it"
My question is how? If you offer rehab support to drug addicts, is that condoning their use of drugs? Of course it. It's helping them kick the habit so they can be better people.
Supporting women who are single parents does not mean you're ok with ALL women becoming single parents. It means you don't want the women who are already IN the situation to fall by the wayside & raise kids who are going to have major issues. What would you have orgs such as RHA do? Cease to exists and then what will some moms do? Just wing it? How productive is that?
In your original post you mentioned SHAME. I don't have any shame about being a single mom. I'm not a teen, I have degrees, I'm a professional. There is no shame in raising my son the best I can, because I refuse to pass on SHAME, victimhood, and a lack of self-confidence to my son. Period.
You mentioned your relative. What advice have you given her? Because she may be a single parent, her life is certainly NOT over. She may be feeling that SHAME you spoke of, but that is clearly not productive. Hopefully you are showing/telling her that SHE is in charge of her life & the life she wants to have. EVen with children, it can happen.
I'm sorry, but I may have missed the "Life Saving Message" you spoke of.
The messages we SHOULD be teaching are the importance of community & family. The importance of not being victims, in spite of our situation. How to raise POSITIVE, PRODUCTIVE kids...no matter what. And to love ourselves.
Prisoner's Wife: Since you used the drug analogy I'll start there. Most drug addicts do NOT kick their habits. Drug addicts have to be constantly monitored. They cannot be trusted. They have put everything else to the side for their habit. They may remain "functioning" drug users for the majority of their lives if they're able to fight a certain amount of the disease and dysfunction but they are not RID of it. Nor do many want to be. The payoff is too great for them to discontinue despite all of the destruction around them. They throw away friends, families, homes, their very lives for that momentary high.
I also don't get this fixation on defending this organization. It isn't about them. It's the message! If the point is to offer support to unmarried mothers that isn't the only way and there are plenty of orgs that already do that. I take issue with them promoting themselves as the ANSWER while IGNORING the OBVIOUS DYSFUNCTION.
Society does not support single parenting as the norm. Why is that so hard to understand. Just because it can be done doesn't mean that it should be done. It still leaves out the male abdication of their responsibility. It still focuses on male children at the expense of daughters. What about THOSE mothers -aren't they entitled to some help too? It's teaching boys their presence is NOT REQUIRED in the lives on their children.
All of this support eliminates discussing the problems. IF and it's a BIG IF they actually have some SUCCESS STORIES for ALL the WOMEN & SONS in this program then we can talk. But it won't happen. It's a trick at the expense of the women and sons they purport to want to help. And I don't care but SHAME can be a useful tool in policing behavior. I never said women who are unmarried with children should wallow in it, but shame stops people from doing a lot of things they shouldn't be doing.
There was a time when people were ashamed to act out in public and black kids knew they were representing the "race". That was a good thing. There was a time when a show about Keyshia Cole's drug addict mother would have never been made and promoted as NORMAL because other black people would NEVER allow such dysfunction to be shown in public for ENTERTAINMENT purposes. That time has long passed though.
My relative is not pregnant. I'm referring to the soul crushing message of indoctrination that happens to black girls being left to fend for themselves in the "black community".
The life-saving message is very clearly written for those that want to get it but I will reiterate here
1. Don't get pregnant unless you're married
2. Don't believe them when they tell you that you're worthless or ugly or dark-skin is the worst
4. You don't have to serve everyone else's interests
5. Don't worship motherhood
6. Don't focus exclusively on black men
7. Be prepared to be rejected by black men but understand why & don't take it personally
8. To not "settle" for the drug dealer or the nice guy
9. Seek the highest caliber man of any race
10.Whatever happens you can have a FULL LIFE
11. If you've been knocked down get up and GET OUT. LEAVE the "black community"
12. You are your own person & belong to no one
In order to do that black women have to be willing to change the way they identify themselves.
I wish you well on your journey and thank you for weighing in. I see this is going to be the great divide for many of us.
Faith, I apologize for the length of this comment. But I see the need to say some things in detail.
What people are often refusing to understand is that SHAME helped AAs in the past. SHAME can be literally life-saving in terms of a group of people. There's a place for shame.
In recent decades, AAs have gotten so caught up in sparing the feelings of OOW children and those who produce OOW children, that we've lost all sense of how normal, functional HUMAN societies work. Let me take it from the top:
I can't think of a single HUMAN society/ethnic group (past or present) that expected women to raise children alone. A woman attempting to raise children alone is the logical, predictable outcome of the vast majority of OOW births.
I can't think of a single HUMAN society/ethnic group (past or present) that expected women to socialize boys into productive manhood. A woman attempting to socialize boys into manhood is the logical, predictable outcome of the vast majority of OOW births.
I suspect the reason why I can't think of any such societies is because this does NOT work. And leads to the literal destruction of any group of people foolish enough to try to make this work.
What human societies from prehistoric times to now have discovered DOES work is to prevent OOW births from happening in the first place.
The most effective way of preventing OOW births is to create heavy social penalties around it. This is where shame and other social penalties serves their group-survival-enhancing purpose.
One social penalty is to NOT do anything that in any way supports OOW births. This is because people understood that supporting something is to enable it. To enable something is to condone it. To condone it is to normalize it.
AAs used to be in step with every other known human society in this regard. We used to know better than to support, enable, condone or normalize this dysfunction. We had enough common sense to keep dysfunctional behavior on the fringes. NOT center stage.
In previous decades, shame discouraged AA girls and women from having babies out of wedlock in the first place. Shame forced a certain number of Black males to assume the legal responsibility for the children they created ("shotgun weddings").
Just on a minimal, practical level, this was a very good thing. It meant that these men were automatically legally responsible for supporting their children. [A husband is presumed to be the father of children born during the marriage.]
At some point, folks have to be written off in order to salvage the rest of our people. We can cater to the people who are already part of these family-destruction statistics (and ultimately ethnic-group destruction). Or we can try to dissuade and prevent others from becoming part of those statistics.
Part of prevention is to CLEARLY get the message across that this raising children alone is a TERRIBLE situation that is to be avoided. Not normalized. And not celebrated by publicizing these social disaster situations as "success" on any level. All of which is why the the message of this "RHA" program is so poisonous on so many different levels.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Khadija: Thank you for your clarity and detail.
Well, as I was reading this needed word, I was taken back to one of my ranting e-mails from 2007. I'll post that, then I'll specifically to your post:
Subject: YES I'M DEEPLY BOTHERED
Date: Wed, 07 Mar 2007 11:54:57 -0500
Fighting mad...
I have been asking myself why the pot smoking (http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2929716) case has bothered me. I know the main reason..the status of African-Americans, especially males... in this world.
Wherever I encounter young African-Americans, I see and hear hopelessness. It is one of the things Bill Cosby has been harping on for about 3 years now and folks have been laughing. IT AIN'T FUNNY (Yes, that is ebonics). Some will say that there are many kids doing great things. That's true. I've watch many family and friends nuture the children and bring them into responsible and successful adulthood, but that is not the norm.
It is extremely sad to watch. When you see someone in a place where the feeling is "at least I'm not dying" or do whatever "it" is because at least you "ain't dead." I see it every week at the shelter. A state of deadly depression, of heartbreaking hopelessness.
Where the hell is the hope?
Why don't our kids matter?
Where the hell are the adults? Wait, my mistake, they're too legally and illegally drugged up and pre-occupied with themselves to care.
You know what, the way we have treated our kids will bite us in the butt. It will kill us. We have taught destruction. We will reap destruction. Have you been down to the Juvenile court lately? It's high noon every hour of every day.
This is sad. Everyone in so-called public service is interested in padding their pockets so they can't stand up and speak their minds. Who wants to run the NAACP? No one. Why, I'm busy making money. Who wants to lead anything? Be a mentor? Not me. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!
What if Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks and countless others who gave up everything for our sorry behinds had decided they were TOO FREAKING busy? I guess then the rappers, preachers, politicians, and so-called leaders in our community would not have had the chance to squander every opportunity that has been presented to better themselves--their communities.
BLING ALL YOU WANT, but we're still the number one target of hate crimes, the highest number of victims of other "minorities" and the highest number of victims of ourselves. BLING THAT!!! SMOKE IT TOO!!!! Feel better now? Wait till you get off that high.
Let me shut up now. I need to vent. I need a blog. I need to talk to GW (he needs help before he wrecks us all). I could write a piece for the Orlando Slantinel, but it might be too BLUNT (pardon the pun).
Frankly, I need to know that God is watching. I'll continue to hold myself accountable for my Culcutta, wherever that may take me.
"Stay where you are. Find your own Calcutta. Find the sick, the suffering and the lonely right there where you are -- in your own homes and in your own families, in your workplaces and in your schools. ... You can find Calcutta all over the world, if you have the eyes to see. Everywhere, wherever you go, you find people who are unwanted, unloved, uncared for, just rejected by society -- completely forgotten, completely left alone." ~ Mother Teresa
Faith, what can I say? My heart is heavy for many reasons. If these problems were in some hidden segment of society, we would have an excuse of ignorance. Sadly, we don't. I see the destructive behavior whether I'm at a homeless shelter or at a "high end" fundraiser. It's MENTALITY MENTALITY MENTALITY! We are living in the gutter and we can't smell the stink!
Sometimes I'd sit in the juvenile court lobby and watch these (parentless) kids go by: gold tooth, skirts so short I can see Russia, pants to the ankles, etc. It has gotten so bad in this particular court, the school system had to create a permanent office there & they've set aside 1 day when all the law enforcement pour in to testify (or they be there every day). SHAME!
Churches (the majority) are USELESS. They are doing nothing & it's more likely that a young girl or boy would be subject to sexual advances than some sort of training, education of morality.
I see professional, "upward", women who are living like prostitutes waiting on some drug dealer to slink in and out in the dark of night, risking property, life and limb for "love"? We've got it twisted!
At the shelter, the mentality continues. Inevitably, the woman with the most kids is last in line for food. I TELL (I don't ask) her to get her butt in line EARLY. STOP BEING LAST FOR EVERYTHING! Haven't you been late enough in life already? Your kids are hungry, even if you're not! Give the kids a chance to survive!
Most of these "fatherhood/single parenting" programs are misguided. You can't have a program if you won't face the facts. You can't have a program if it is not geared to turn around the problem. You can't target single women if you're not targeting men if we intend to raise men and women with non-destructive behavior.
You can't be loyal to anything that is not based on TRUTH! Many of the people suffering from the destructive behaviors were BORN INTO LIES. They know nothing else. They have to be taught a different way to live, a way above the gutter.
Men can't behave like animals and expect to be treated as human. Almost every woman in shelter is there because they never had a father and fell into the hands of an abuser AT A VERY YOUNG AGE (usually before 13). The boys at the shelters have only seen abuse; the art therapy shows scenes of rape and violence so graphic they can even put it into words. This is not the type of stuff you can dance around. The only way to turn it around is to STOP!
A woman is hindered by the destructive male long after he dumps her or becomes a slave to drugs or jail.
To get personal, one of my goddaughters, wanted to be a doctor. Smart as a whip! Got a full state scholarship before she graduated high school, then she got pregnant. She indicated that she'd take a break and keep going to school. She tried. Then she went from wanting to be a doctor to wanting to be a nurse. Then came baby number 2. I kept pestering her. Now, 7 years later, she is a "manager" at a fast food chain. School is getting less and less a reality. I see lives in ruin. Mr. Destructive Male, however, continues to cruise. He has mom and dad when he can't crash at her place (in between babies) and he continues to go to school. I'm willing to bet ALL MY MONEY that he will marry, BUT NOT HER! She is stuck in gutterland. The kids have known nothing but gutterland.
Put the dirty laundry out so the roaches and deadly pests that's been infecting our lives and neighborhoods can be exterminated and our children can breathe and thrive. It is time to come out from under the ravages of slavery, especially our own mental slavery.
So, help me God!!!
Let me take a moment to clarify the Raising Him Alone Campaign. Our efforts over the past 15 plus years are to address many of the critical issues that impact children of African descent. While we have done and still do a tremendous amount of work with fathers we realize that an alarming number of mothers and grandmothers are raising children Alone. Our efforts are to find ways to support mothers who are raising children by themselves.
As an African American father & husband I realize the importance of responsible fatherhood. Much of our on going work is designed to engage fathers. We are building several new applications on our web site under changing fatherhood to support responsible fatherhood as well as to reconnect fathers who have been missing in action (for whatever reason).
While we may disagree with methods, let us keep our "eyes on the prize."
To many African American males are slipping through cracks while we argue over methodology.
I would hope that we can all join forces to improve the life chances of children within the African American community.
In closing I am curious what advice you would provide one of the grandmothers that we meet several months ago in Newark, NJ. She is 74 years old raising six boys by herself. What kinds of support can we provide this grandmother who is struggling to make a better life for her grandsons?
At some point we need to move beyond the rhetoric and begin problem solving.
If you have any questions regarding the campaign and the work that we are doing please email me directly at info@raisinghimalone.com
Bluebutterfly: Welcome and your profile photo of the flower is gorgeous by the way. I and all the lurkers so appreciate your contribution to this very important conversation. Thank you for taking the time to participate.
D. Miller: Thank you for weighing in, but you've only proven my point. If after 15 YEARS you've just NOW decided to start focusing on the fathers your organization has already FAILED. I only found out about RHA through an post on All Hip Hop.
I thought it was ridiculous for a mother of a rap artist with multiple OOW children - Mos Def - to actually give advice to other women about parenting.
Puh-leeze spare me your mock-rage.
What do I suggest you do to help the 74 yo: ADOPT HER GRANDCHILDREN. Let her visit every day. Take care of the problem YOURSELF. Because you're on of the "good" ones who know better, have resources and are a responsible husband & father.
Do it because YOU CARE ABOUT THE MALE CHILDREN.
D. Miller said...
"In closing I am curious what advice you would provide one of the grandmothers that we meet several months ago in Newark, NJ. She is 74 years old raising six boys by herself. What kinds of support can we provide this grandmother who is struggling to make a better life for her grandsons?"
I would advise these good BM to struggle to make a better way for this poor elderly black woman's grandsons.
Relieve the pressure she's under.
Do whatever is necessary to help this poor woman who doesn't deserve to spend her golden years this way.
It's the very least they could do. I would also advise them to intervene BEFORE these grandsons are adolescents.
Because by then, the Grandmothers very existence could be at risk.
Second Time Parent
Grandmother as Mother
http://boldlioness.com/second_time_parent_-_grandmother_as_mother
Now, add in the demands of a child, adolescent, teenager who becomes rebellious and refuses structure and boundaries and resents having to live with a “Sick old person with no money.” This child/adolescent/teenager becomes resentful and violent – hitting, cursing and outright disrespecting the very person who stood up for them.
Domestic Violence is a common, growing outcome of the above scenario. As far back as 1999, a scientific study was conducted with 102 grandmothers raising grandchildren in parent absent homes – the outcome of this study certified: The findings indicate that family resources, social support, and physical health affected psychological distress in grandmothers raising grandchildren. Grandmothers who reported fewer resources, less social support, and poorer physical health tended to experience higher levels of psychological distress. This study suggests that greater attention be given to interventions aimed to decrease psychological distress and improve the financial resources and physical health of grandmothers raising grandchildren [3].
And let us not forget about what happened to poor Betty Shabazz...
http://www.nytimes.com/1997/08/09/
nyregion/grandson-of-betty-shabazz-is-sentenced-to-a-juvenile-center.html
Malcolm Shabazz, the 12-year-old grandson of Malcolm X and Dr. Betty Shabazz who set a fire that killed his grandmother, was sentenced today to one of the few juvenile detention centers in the nation that accepts arsonists, the Hillcrest Center in Lenox, Mass.
Felicia: Thank you for returning to add more input. That was excellent! But I still feel that person who doesn't even have a company email account for an org that's been around for 15 years and an incomplete profile was displaying the very same DBR behavior that causes these problems to being with. I had completely forgotten about Betty Shabazz! Actually I didn't even connect the dots until you mentioned her. Now if this RHA is supposed to be so experienced why don't they have these types of solutions? It's the blind leading the blind here!!
Not sure why we continue to argue and create confusion over methods. Once again for the record we have been working with fathers and young males for years.
We consider our body of work as part of the solution. While we struggle like most organizations to get the kind of support from people who look like us to continue to work more closely with youth and adults in the community.
An alarming number of grandmothers are raising children. These grandmothers need additional love and support for themselves as well as the children they care for.
We can disagree but let's always try to focus on solutions that will improve communities.
Other wise we continue to travel down a road that is not productive.
Thanks for the discussion let's get moving on the work. A role exists for all of us to serve.
**Not sure what a complete profile means this is my first time on this blog.
**I also have multiple email addresses.
Once again let's stay FOCUSED!
"We are building several new applications on our web site under changing fatherhood to support responsible fatherhood as well as to reconnect fathers who have been missing in action (for whatever reason).... What kinds of support can we provide this grandmother who is struggling to make a better life for her grandsons?"
A good place to to start would be to expand your outreach methods to include not just fathers, but adult male role models in a similar fashion as Big Brothers, Big Sisters. This would allow boys to be mentored in the most practical and natural way.
I'm not going to link studies (you can look these up) but there has been significant work done that states that children need to be exposed to people most like themselves in order to succeed. This means that no matter how much mom or female family members are involved, a boy is at risk if he is not consistently exposed to postive male influence, ideally of the same racial/religious group.
While your program should be given some credit for trying to give support for moms, essentially what you are doing is acting, as founders, in the place of the missing Black males. So it's really just a handful of male voices (yours and the people staffing your project) when it would be far more effective to have an army of them.
Ultimately, you're falling for the same mind-trap that BW empowerment bloggers have been shouting from the rooftops: do not shoulder burdens that must be shared!
What a few voices can do: delineate what makes for successful male mentorship (how to "vet" male role models). But past this, you've got to introduce some method by which the necessary group (men) is influenced to do the work on their own.
Basically, any program that fails to aggressively match, court or reinforce frequent male adult and child interaction will fail in the long term. This is regardless of short-term outcomes.
Your metric for success right now seems to be whether or not the children are having behavioral problems. This is important, but it fails to note that the primary function of childhood is the practice-ground for adult behavior. So these children need to be taught how to interact with their own children.
But what do years of female-only training teach them? That men are unnecessary for raising a child or for building a family.
I'll say this: I'm a staunch feminist. But I'm also a product of generational absent fatherhood. And I know the very real damage caused when fatherless boys become absent fathers themselves. This damage isn't limited to the boy-man relationship, but spreads across the entire family, often because the remaining members work double and triple-time to fill the holes left by this absence. Those absent fathers are often absent brothers, uncles and sons. Their role in adult society devolves from ship's crew to barnacle.
So I contend that an absence of male leadership in a child's life causes a lack of leadership AND participation in the entire family structure of subsequent generations. It gets worse as time goes on, and we're seeing that. This is not a stab at the single mothers. This fault rests squarely on the shoulders of the fathers, uncles, grandfathers and cousins (maternal and paternal) who are socialized to have a fraction of the involvement of the moms, aunts and grandmothers.
So the question of how to help grandma might be best answered by "getting uncle and cousin to spend time with the boys."
And of course all of this, while directed at the boys, is just as important for the girls. There's plenty of good commentary about how this lack of leadership affects how these boys will interact with the girls in their peer group when they all become of marriageable age.
D Miller: In case you haven't noticed your org is called RAISING HIM ALONE! Where does that fit into your "working with fathers for years" comment? Who has been held accountable and met their obligations? If you're working with fathers and helping mothers to raise boys alone you are working against yourself! So which one is it?
Why haven't you managed to JOIN THE TWO? There is no confusion on my part. I looked at your mission statement. There was no mention of a father at all. Perhaps you all need to have a pow wow and decide what you're doing. The email account that leads to a full name, title, phone number, duties and who you answer to shows that this is a LEGIT operation not some fly by night shack operation.
Why is THAT so difficult to understand? You have offered nothing but excuses so I see just how effective RHA is. I will go back to doing my part and RHA can continue to be as ineffective as you've been for the past 15 years.
I am very focused! We've offered legit, workable solutions in less than 2 hours what has RHA done in 15 years?!
Anna: Thank you. Again. Surprise Surprise all the common sense holders have managed to be constructive but the self-professed "expert" is obfuscating. TYPICAL!!
To the Anonymous poster: You violated my comment rules and are BANNED. Spare us your cowardly lion antics and come back here with a legit profile & a respectful tone and I might include it. Otherwise, see ya!
Anna (tertiary#anna) said:
I'll say this: I'm a staunch feminist. But I'm also a product of generational absent fatherhood. And I know the very real damage caused when fatherless boys become absent fathers themselves. This damage isn't limited to the boy-man relationship, but spreads across the entire family, often because the remaining members work double and triple-time to fill the holes left by this absence. Those absent fathers are often absent brothers, uncles and sons. Their role in adult society devolves from ship's crew to barnacle.
So I contend that an absence of male leadership in a child's life causes a lack of leadership AND participation in the entire family structure of subsequent generations.
It gets worse as time goes on, and we're seeing that. This is not a stab at the single mothers. This fault rests squarely on the shoulders of the fathers, uncles, grandfathers and cousins (maternal and paternal) who are socialized to have a fraction of the involvement of the moms, aunts and grandmothers.
_______________________________
VERY well said Anna. You are a *outstanding* writer by the way!
I’d also like to add that marriage is NOT just a piece of paper—a belief that is very common among AA’s as a collective. Other groups of people understand that marriage, caste, and power go hand and hand.
I have to agree with you on several points. I notice that when we discuss raising our children, we place EVERYTHING on the mother and pretty much leave the "father" off the hook.
I always hear people give advice to single mothers about what they should be doing but it's rare that I see ANYONE give advice to fathers.
I am in the business of raising babies and sometimes, I end up helping to raise other people's babies WHICH I do not have a problem with.
The best analogy I can give is the condom situation. Some high schools give condoms away for free. As a parent of a teenager, I know what's going on. I would prefer that he wear protection if he is going to have sex. HOWEVER, his high school does NOT have sex education class. THAT's a problem. It's like giving away hammers without teaching the uses of those tools.
Again, I am the parent so I am the first teacher so in my home sex education starts very early. Yet if his high school chooses to give out condoms, then they should also teach sex education classes.
In other words, our approach should be wholistically. The way we have been doing it since the Moynihan report is skewed since the focus is on AA women.
And yes, Big Brothers/Big Sisters is HURTING for volunteers.
Brother OMi: Thank you for offering common sense from a male perspective. Unfortunately the sexism is like cotton wool between some people's ears and they NEVER want to listen to a woman regardless.
We have worked with Big Brothers and Big Sisters for years as well currently work with many groups arund mentoring. RHA is just one of the projects that we are focused on. We are also very involved getting male mentors involved in mentoring programs in several cities.
Finally, we also run a very successful academy for young Black males in Baltimore. We are going into our 4th year.
All the best!
Having read the newest posts, it is clear that the person from the RHA is not ready or able to engage in meaningful dialog to address the "Elephant in the Room", namely focusing on Black Men to take more responsibility for the children they produce. Nor was he willing to clearly respond to why they have primarily target single mothers versus a campaign to stop this proliferation of OOW black children. Instead it comes across as if it is only platitudes he was willing to offer.
They are not prepared to "Look in the Mirror" and face the enemy which is us.
As Faith stated concerning their charter, if they were truly serious, they would mandate involvement of Black men in the raising of their children and gear their programs in that direction. Instead it is the same ole expect BW to always bale the BC out. IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!
As it is not the case, I would suggest that for all of us that have taken the "red pill", it is time to move on.
To paraphrase Khadija on her blog, it is time to stop looking back at Sodom. It cannot be saved.
Actsoffaith,
the truth is that they have no faith in bm, they know that the average bm will shake off responsibility and walk away.
See even though black folks refuse to name the situation for what it is (ie bm totally disconnected from community), and will accuse many of us of 'bashing bm' if we point to the evidence, their actions and approach speaks loud and clear what they dont want to voice; that they do not have any confidence in black men doing the right thing anymore. In fact i think the whole approach of RHA shows they have written off this generation of bm and are trying to grow 'new crop'.
Indeed, black folks know they can't appeal to bm, they cant reason with them, they cant get them animated on 'behalf of the race', so this is why they choose to focus on bw.
there is a lot to learn from how people choose to approach issues.
For those who think there is still something called 'black community' bw have become a bait to draw bm back. for instance a few weeks ago, Raymond (I think that was his name), the preacher/celebrity threatened to turn away mothers bringing their infants to the church, unless they brought along the fathers. Which shows clearly that bw were being used as the 'bait' which is hoped will lure bm back to their community responsibilities, yet no one is even thinking 'does this bait even still work? Does the mouse eat grass? and the bottom line, Is there even any desire for community residing in bm?'
when the bulk of male folks of a 'community' have disconnected from its interests, then it is time to close the book on that one.
Its sad that there was a time not too long ago, when things could have been swung round, but it would have required taking a hard line with bm which the so called community couldnt bring itself to so.
So here we are 20 years after the point of no return and folks still havent figured it out!
who was it that said that when God wants to punish a group he sends them foolish leaders.
D Miller has been caught with his pants down...Obviously thinking that he's dealing with a bunch of kids here...This is another 501c 3(non-profit)organization...I've heard nothing more than the same rhetoric and run-around which has lead the BC over a cliff...
"As an African American father & husband I realize the importance of responsible fatherhood. Much of our on going work is designed to engage fathers. We are building several new applications on our web site under changing fatherhood to support responsible fatherhood as well as to reconnect fathers who have been missing in action (for whatever reason).
While we may disagree with methods, let us keep our "eyes on the prize."
Questions to this organization and for BW to ask themselves:
1.'Designed to engage fathers'? What is this a social tea or backyard soiree? Why isn't father participation mandatory? And if the father chooses not participate, is the mother given all available resources (at the very least and certainly not enough) to fiscally enforce child support?
2.I also have trouble with the phrase 'Support responsible fatherhood'...Notice this is rarely if ever DEMANDED...I feel this is just another mechanism to let these guys off the hook...Makes fatherhood sound optional after the insemination has taken place...
3.'Keep our eyes on the prize'...Yep...Ignore the ever-growing problem and how we got here by focusing on busywork...In other words, lets not make any REAL demands on the men in the community to protect and provide...Keep your eyes ANYWHERE else except for on the ball..Or the devil in the details
I am soo glad to see the BW take hold of this nonsense and called BS on it ...Visited the web site and wasn't impressed in the least...Appears to be just something thrown together with a few words of encouragement in order to look good...Also appears to be another "Jack-leg church dinner-plate fundraiser" where no one but the top really benefits from any funds...Just being real here...Perhaps I should start a chapter called "WHY ARE YOU RAISING HIM ALONE???" and start printing the names/pictures of these deadbeat bums in the local paper...But nooo...would that be too harsh?
@Felicia
Great example out of many (unfortunately)...Again...where were the men in these families?
"And let us not forget about what happened to poor Betty Shabazz...
http://www.nytimes.com/1997/08/09/
nyregion/grandson-of-betty-shabazz-is-sentenced-to-a-juvenile-center.html
Malcolm Shabazz, the 12-year-old grandson of Malcolm X and Dr. Betty Shabazz who set a fire that killed his grandmother, was sentenced today to one of the few juvenile detention centers in the nation that accepts arsonists, the Hillcrest Center in Lenox, Mass."
CW:
CW said...
@Felicia
Great example out of many (unfortunately)...Again...where were the men in these families?
"And let us not forget about what happened to poor Betty Shabazz...
http://www.nytimes.com/1997/08/09/
nyregion/grandson-of-betty-shabazz-is-sentenced-to-a-juvenile-center.html
Malcolm Shabazz, the 12-year-old grandson of Malcolm X and Dr. Betty Shabazz who set a fire that killed his grandmother, was sentenced today to one of the few juvenile detention centers in the nation that accepts arsonists, the Hillcrest Center in Lenox, Mass."
My reply:
I remember when the story broke back then. The spin in the mainstream press was about the pressures placed upon the families of slain civil rights martyrs.
This trauma became an excuse, or an explanation, it seems, for what happened.
Meaning, that if it was not for Malcolm X's death, the trauma would not have reached the daughter, Qubilah, and the grandson.
http://www.nytimes.com/1997/06/08/nyregion/lost-in-shadows-of-history-shabazz-family-s-troubles.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betty_Shabazz
Halima: Now you know that even suggesting the majority of these black men that have abandoned these women and children are useless will bring out of wrath of those that wish to cling to their illusions. The same one that has these girls trapped and the women on the verge of dying out never-married and barren waiting for the black man to "come home"!
CW: This spokes-screen person from RHA who has not officially identified themselves is a hack! I'm not engaging them anymore because they and that org is full of it. Useless. Ineffective. Do Nothing. I need solutions not rhetoric. But your reply was funny!
Pioneer Valley Woman: Malcolm was a firestarter, had numerous emotional problems and caused his grandmother's death. I'm curious where he is now and hoping he's not causing havoc in some poor woman's life as a 24 year old. Unless Percy Sutton & David Dinkins are monitoring him 24/7 or he's still receiving psychiatric care he's best kept at a distance as he poses an immediate threat.
"We have worked with Big Brothers and Big Sisters for years...we are also very involved getting male mentors...we also run a very successful academy for young Black males."
People aren't saying that you as individuals aren't involved in your community, but that the program doesn't focus on male involvement.
It would be useful to compare your mission/philosophy statements (shown on your site) with the site content. What you're saying here isn't the same as there.
There's little content on the site giving info for moms to find male role models, or for non-related men on how to mentor a fatherless boy. Not much information guiding dads on how to reconnect with their sons or how to navigate the relationship with Mom/maternal relatives.
As shown, it's catered to women. So even if you are involved with men-boy interactions in other areas besides RHA, a mom going to your site won't get this information.
It's hard to retrofit actions/goals to an existing program: the stated objectives are ideally built into the program's foundation. Otherwise there's a mismatch between what we want to happen and what actually does. So when you cement the plans on how to target Dad, you will need to do a serious, cold assessment of your strategies, so the skill building for Mom and Dad are smoothly integrated.
Right now, it's needlessly skewed. Until those plans go live, the program is (at best) not as helpful as it could be and at worst, unworkable.
But as it stands, it's a sucker-punch at Black women: it sets them up for failure and holds them accountable for that fail. Comments like "protecting the male ego", or "you may have to initiate contact" reinforce everyone's argument that you're making Mom responsible for Dad's uninvolvement. It's not feasible for Mom to navigate some emotional obstacle course to sway a man committed against what all legal, social, moral and religious training has historically socialized (normal) men to do for their sons.
Black women are excellent female role models. But only a man (or male identified) can cover the fundamental skillset given by a male role model.
And even though kids grow up just fine and have good childhoods with the absence of male role models, it's a lack they don't deserve.
Children learn from mimicing what they see. They learn from play, and from self-identification with people at varying ages above themselves. This is best done by face-to-face interaction with people like themselves.
So no one should be encouraged that it's healthy or normal to recast a feminine mentor as a male one. Just because some women have to do this, doesn't mean we redefine "damage control" as normalcy. It spells death for our culture.
Because we actually do see boys seek out masculine role models, but they just don't find them in the family. Instead, the biggest source of masculine role modeling is done from the entertainment industry, or from random males that are around, but not invested in the child's well being or long-term care. But the point still remains: boys will seek out masculine interaction.
And what you've been asked is: if they should turn to RHA, what direction will they find?
It sounds like you really want to help. I know that starting a charitable organization is a lot of work. And if what you say about your other programs is true, then you're actively trying to make a difference in someone's life.
But there's that saying about roads and good intentions, and it's worth remembering. Ultimately, you want to know that what you tried to do was both effective and useful. But as it stands, it's doing real harm to the moms you're trying to aid. Consider it a favor that some people are spelling it out for you. You may find it productive to think about what people are saying, rather than self-defensively avoiding the point.
Because honestly, I think BW are going to get so sick of being misused by self-purported "help" that they're going to stop giving advice and just start nuking from orbit.
Anna: Thanks for your input. I think it may be more beneficial to the lurkers reading than that person who still refused to leave a full name and contact information at RHA. They aren't interested in solutions but in pushing a mop across a dirty floor.
Faith:
Pioneer Valley Woman: Malcolm was a firestarter, had numerous emotional problems and caused his grandmother's death. I'm curious where he is now and hoping he's not causing havoc in some poor woman's life as a 24 year old. Unless Percy Sutton & David Dinkins are monitoring him 24/7 or he's still receiving psychiatric care he's best kept at a distance as he poses an immediate threat.
My reply:
I agree fully, that he had problems, but what I was noting is that there seemed to be a perception in some quarters that he was a victim, and knowing about current day victimology, that can lead to a tendency to excuse, rather than hold accountable.
PVW: I wasn't being critical of you just observing that situation from a different perspective. I remember the rush to cover it up. It was part of the "black community" indoctrination as well as the knee-jerk protectionism for black males whenever they run afoul of the law or have some unpleasant interaction with whites. It's what fuels NAACP, Rev Inc., and even Color of Change.
I don't recall hearing anything about Malcolm since then so I am wondering about his mental stability and proximity to unsuspecting people. I don't care that his grandfather was Malcolm X either. That's like a moot point to me because he could've been the janitor's son and somebody would be there defending whatever havoc these males create.
I took the red pill, I'm out of the Matrix and none of these ppl are sacred to me when it comes to protecting myself or in needing to warn ppl.
That's what I meant. This also means these problems have been around for such a long time and intentionally ignored - which is why the abnormal has been completely normalized.
I just shudder to think of all the ppl who've been lost because of the abject failure of black men to stand up as a collective and how this is it.
We're it. I'm sure there's a few other ppl online and offline but if we've gravitated together in a short time I think this is a small number.
Faith:
PVW: I wasn't being critical of you just observing that situation from a different perspective. I remember the rush to cover it up. It was part of the "black community" indoctrination as well as the knee-jerk protectionism for black males whenever they run afoul of the law or have some unpleasant interaction with whites. It's what fuels NAACP, Rev Inc., and even Color of Change.
I don't recall hearing anything about Malcolm since then so I am wondering about his mental stability and proximity to unsuspecting people. I don't care that his grandfather was Malcolm X either. That's like a moot point to me because he could've been the janitor's son and somebody would be there defending whatever havoc these males create....
That's what I meant. This also means these problems have been around for such a long time and intentionally ignored - which is why the abnormal has been completely normalized.
I just shudder to think of all the ppl who've been lost because of the abject failure of black men to stand up as a collective and how this is it.
We're it. I'm sure there's a few other ppl online and offline but if we've gravitated together in a short time I think this is a small number.
My reply:
This is the important point, because that is the underlying message, the trauma of their family circumstances notwithstanding...
Have any of you notice the "support system" that these DBR have for each other. I mean they will see other DBR's hurting women and children and actively come to aid and assistance of the damaged one. Programs like this are just a way to take the heat off of the deadbeat fathers and is another example of the dbr support system in place.
Stealthkitty
PWV: Thanks again.
Stealthkitty: Yes the protectionism is in place but it's being chipped away little by little.
What's disturbing is that there is no group for raising her alone or raising them alone. What about a group dedicated to finding male role models like a group in here in Austin does for young boys with no fathers.
I have to agree with you on several points. I notice that when we discuss raising our children, we place EVERYTHING on the mother and pretty much leave the "father" off the hook.
I always hear people give advice to single mothers about what they should be doing but it's rare that I see ANYONE give advice to fathers.
When you look at parenting books it's either geared toward motherhood or parenting, raising a family. You have a few books on fatherhood, but it's usually about the first year etc. there is more than the first year. That baby won't stay a baby forever.
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