Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Consider This the Black Woman's Version of ACT UP!

A Beautiful Birth To A New Mindset

For all of those that can't withstand the mere mention of the dysfunction in SOME black men without losing it you might want to change the channel. There is no way of sweetening the bitterness so that SOME of you may deign to read and comprehend. I can't recork the bottle. My experiences are not yours and we don't all share the same perspectives. So proceed with caution and take deep breaths. If ALL of your experiences have been straight out of a Disney film enjoy your memories because that is truly wonderful. This isn't a movie and we have to do a cold-hard assessment of what it's like for the collective not a few individuals. So proceed....

Someone asked me if I really believed that the majority of black men despise black women. After my awakening outside the Matrix last week I would say absolutely. I'm not going by my feelings. There was no break-up and nobody "done me wrong". I had a conversation with some men and gave them every opportunity to be gracious. Their contempt floored me and it wasn't even about me. I realized that contempt went from Michelle Obama to Serena Williams to you and me. Educated men who are not criminals, unemployed, or multiple baby-daddies. You know the ones we'd think were "normal". So it got me thinking. If this is what you consider NORMAL behavior then you've been devalued for far too long and have lost all discernment.
  • Abandoning a woman and the child you've created is a sign of contempt.
  • Denying your child and not providing (well) for him/her because you don't like the mother. (The Kelis/Nas divorce will show this. Will she now become a "chickenhead" to justify the deplorable behavior of the black male rap artist "God"?)
  • Killing the child from another woman's previous relationship.
  • Promoting lighter skin as your preference is skin shade racism. Black on black racism. Whatever you don't prefer you place little value in.
  • These numerous (educated, non criminal) men who ecstatically dissect the body Serena Williams in the most condescending manner imaginable, write articles referring to Michelle Obama as a "ghetto girl" and other public attacks on black women.
  • These men that complain about black women for every little thing we do or don't do.
  • These men that refer to us as Pedestal Pattys for daring to go on a date w/o offering sex afterwards. The entire purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible for marriage. At least that's what the purpose of dating is supposed to be. It's not how little money you can spend before suggesting we do the mattress mambo or claiming to be "nice".
  • Not being able to walk down the street without some guy trying to "holla" at you. It is in fact worse. Women have been shot and killed over not handing over a phone number or agreeing to go out with these DBRs. It is street harassment, & physical intimidation.
  • The 50% rape and molestation rate for black girls living in the "black community".
  • The complete SILENCE from the"good" men who see all of this happening and DO NOTHING to stop it. With the public Letterman smack-down over the Palin "joke" we see how white men DO step in when necessary to police the men in their group.
Nowadays some pretty warped thinking has people doing everything out of order is the correct way to live. People who know better have remained SILENT. No more!!

If this wasn't about black men would you feel free to find any of this deplorable?

As I've already shown in this post on a blogger who recognizes DBR behavior, you can read the thoughts and words of a white man who wasn't afraid to state the obvious. They consider the bulk of the white women who get involved with black men to be low class. They very plainly see the mass dysfunction in the "black community" but aren't saying anything. Anytime it has potential to spill over into their residential areas or disrupt their daily lives they IMMEDIATELY step in to put a stop to it. 

Exhibit A. Post-Katrina armed guards stop survivors from entering their less damaged areas
Exhibit B. PA Private Club bans Creative Steps students

Too many blacks are decrying the racism instead of putting two and two together. When you let gangsta rap take over with their talk of shooting the police, drugs, alcoholism, violence and a death wish you put them on alert (even as the white male executives who actively promoted that garbage made billions for their companies). When you let people go on Jerry Springer and Maury to display the results of their out of control sexual escapades and proof of irresponsibility, people took notice. When BET decided they were going to show blacks at their absolute worse and blacks ate it up, people took notice. Even now this latest reality show about the drug addict mother and sister of an R&B singer is being watched. When the liberal use of the N-Word is condoned and by a man who's a college professor (and infotainment hustler) and he was NOT SHUT DOWN, people took notice.

That would be all the other racial/ethnic groups. The average African-American? Not so much. People complained but they didn't do anything to stop it. 

Has it occurred to anyone there's a reason why certain blacks are getting unfettered air time because they're reinforcing this dysfunction. It not only upholds white supremacy but it prepares others to write off ALL blacks.

Let's talk about the way black women interact with each other. Since so many are still living the "black community" lie they're usually competing with each over some variation of a DBR. They rush to buy relationship books from black men, even men who've been married three times and cheated on his last wife with his current one. They defer to these men and are male-identified. They'll forgive a man for anything short of rape or murder (and sometimes that too) but will cross another black woman off their list for good for any little slight or for having a difference of opinion. They often berate their female children and are extra harsh on them. They don't warn them of the dangers of their environments or prepare them. They often regard each other with suspicion or are generally dismissive and competitive in other situations not involving men for NO REASON. They often adopt the same DBR behaviors but only when dealing with other.

I have to admit I was prepared to take the hits from black men who don't want the DBR behavior evaluated and the women who rush to their defense. I see it all the time. Any mere mention that black man isn't perfect is seen as a challenge. I am an advocate for black women and girls after all. What I didn't expect was the vitriol I'd get from some of those women for talking about why the OOW birth rate is literally killing them and their children. We don't want to continue sending the message that's it's a day at the park when we know that's a lie.

ACT UP! was founded in 1987 by a few radical LGBTs and supporters who decided that the death and poor quality of life for their group was UNACCEPTABLE. They insisted that individual people change their behavior. Yes they had their choices dissected. Yes they were told they couldn't just do whatever they wanted. They had to take precautions. They had to THINK. No it wouldn't do anything for some people but it would prevent a similar unpleasant set of circumstances for others. That's the point. Save the group. By any means necessary. It was also why the shift occurred to promote stable relationships and marriage. This is how the rest of society operates and they could not continue to act in opposition of it. So if that means women don't have sex until well past 21, so be it. If that means leaving behind your biological family for a family you create of like-minded people, so be it. If that means taking the slings and arrows for daring to mention that raising a child by yourself is not a good idea then so be it. 

This isn't about telling someone they have to be anything....except SMART. Wise in their decisions. Once you bring another life into this world it isn't about you anymore. It's about the quality of life for that child. I see far too many people struggling under the burden of not having enough. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough sleep, not enough help. We can't talk about the DBR black men and not think about the origins of their lives. They were once children. Innocent. They were usually abandoned or not raised in the most condusive environments. Yes someone may have tried their best as well but we see the results don't we? After a certain age it's simply too late. So if we're gong to warn women to stay away from them why can't we talk about how they came to be? It's a vicious cycle. It's too late for many many people. Again, this isn't about you. 

This is like throwing a rock at a tidal wave. This is a last ditch effort to see who can be saved. We're never going back to the economic highs of the 1990's. The entire financial system was propped up on lies. Unless you have at least $1M in assets and can liquidate it, who's really safe? We're all trying to live, so why not live as well as we can? Multiple streams of income are necessary. Children require a lot of time and expense. They are an investment. Some people don't put any thought into the type of life they are able to provide them. People have pets they treat better. In fact a lot of people have pets but never take them to the vet or the groomer or to obedience school. They just do whatever they feel like, feeding the pet whatever they think will fill their bellies with little nutrition in mind. Some people treat their children with the same careless attitude. 

This is radical talk to not only suggest but TELL black women to get out of the "black community" mentality. It's a death trap of poor residential neighborhoods were crimes against humanity are happening EVERY DAY. You don't know this because you may not live there and it's not being reported on the news. It's a death trap of out of order thinking where the dysfunctional has become the norm. It's a death trap when people will fight you to take away their poison. No other group categorized by the CDC is suffering the way black girls and women are. The CDC - which stands for Center for Disease Control by the way - is tracking our demise. Think about that. They have it all plainly listed on spreadsheets. 

If this was happening to white women other whites would have stepped in and called attention to it. If the OOW birth rate keeps increasing for them they may. Of course those women are thought to be part of the lower classes and sexing black men so they may be left to their own devices as well. 

For all of you who want to stay in your "Cone of Silence" and in the "Land of Denial" go ahead. YOUR experiences may be different. That's not what's the typical for most black girls. This isn't about you, it's for THEM. We have a small window of opportunity to get a message out and I don't have time to argue semantics, degrees of oppression, why properly crediting African American heritage is correct (since it usually involves a self-sacrificing WOMAN) and other points of contention someone wants to come up with.

Are you really in support of black women and girls (with all the necessary accountability) or are you more invested in being "right" and holding on to your totems?

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Anonymous said...

Hi Acts of Faith,
I have been reading your blogs over the past couple of days and I wanted to say that I really enjoy reading them. I wish that more people realize that children are gifts from God and they need to have a healthy, loving, and safe environment. I see young children everyday in the black community playing and there is trash on the roads, sidewalks, and the playgrounds. No child should have to grow up in an environment like that. I have decided that I refuse to bring a child into this world unless I have a stable relationship with my husband, we are financially,emotionally and spiritually grounded in our relationship, and we live in a clean, healthy, environment.

Dr. No, Really said...

Excellent post Faith!

I appreciate the list that you (and several others) have generated! Let's add street and especially club harrassment to the list. I think this is especially important for young girls and women who still frequent black clubs as a form of "entertainment." Ladies - What happens in these clubs is rarely entertaining for anyone but the black males - of ALL ethnicities - who are in attendance.

I personally hit my last straw in reference to black clubs and the black club culture a few months ago. On the way my girl and I were discussing the abberant behavior of African-American and second generation West Indian males. It was as if we called it into existence for the night! For the short time we were there WAY too many men attempted to grope and/or speak to us disrespectfully. We quickly left - despite having paid a fairly large entrance fee. We could not tolerate such behavior.

You said: "If this is what you consider NORMAL behavior then you've been devalued for far too long and have lost all discernment." Watching the other women in the club we could tell that they did consider this NORMAL! They did very little to counter these men's behavior. Some women even encouraged it by exhibiting highly sexualized behavior on the dance floor! When my friend or I protested EVERYONE looked at us like we were crazy and one boy (I refuse to say man) looked like he was going to punch my best friend in the face! As his friend tried to mediate and other males simply looked on.

I would strongly encourage young black women to STOP entering these environments under the mistaken idea that it is "entertainment." What happens in these places is NOT healthy! And no male you meet in these places is going to treat you properly.

We must begin to shift our ideas of what we consider entertainment and of the places we can go to enjoy ourselves. We must begin to cultivate a wider range of cultural interests. We must not be afraid to invade the spaces that others consider "theirs." Not only will this help us grow as people, but it can also radically change the types of people (especially men) we meet.

I did this twice last week. I have invaded spaces that many might have considered for Mexican Americans only. In one instance, we went to a local live show for a great band! My African-American girlfriends and I conducted ourselves properly and had an excellent time! Yes we got some dirty looks, which we expected, but we continued to enjoy ourselves.

I am planning to learn how to play tennis this summer and when I can afford it to learn how to ski. These are still activities the "black community" considers "white." I do NOT care. I will ENJOY myself and meet new people while I do it.

Ladies all black spaces are not the only places to enjoy yourself. In many instances you are actually being damaged. Also, for those of you who have African-American female friends who are like minded - Take them with you! You can all experience something new.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Anonymous: Thank you.

Lauren: You brought up a good point. I added street harassment. How could I forget it was another point of contention with these males defending it as "harmless" fun. I'm working a separate post on that too using the Harvard Law Review paper. I just have to add though that certain spaces aren't safe even amongst Latinos. The Puerto Rican Day parade comes to mind right now.

Dr. No, Really said...


I am aware that not all spaces amongst latinos are safe. Please beleive if those Latino males had begun to exhibit improper behavior we would have left. I am aware that plenty of latinos of many ethnicites do NOT like black people. However, black women must vet EACH situation on its own merits. When we fail to do that we end up right back in the "all ____ people are evil" trap that has served to limit black women's chances at happiness. We should be aware of possible prejudices, but not let them limit us. IF these prejudices are displayed, THEN we can take action.

I would never go to the Puerto Rican Day parade - raping women on the pavement, stripping them, etc. However, we must also see that this is a BLACK space just as much as it is a latino one.

Anonymous said...

This was an interesting post. I must say that as an 'outsider' (non-AA) that everything you and many other AA women have come to realise has been obvious to people outside of your community for some time now.

Side note: Nas is denying his child financial support? From my understanding, he was contesting the amount of money she wanted ($20k per month). Does a newborn really cost that much?

Nice blog :)

Kia said...

Acts of Faith,

I found your blog from Khadija's website. I think you speak so much truth but here is my question for you. How are we supposed to help Black women who don't desire to help themselves? I never grew up in dysfunctional all black enclaves. My parents sheltered me from those environments and it wasn't until the recently that I became aware of how detrimental the situation is. In the back of my head I always knew how dangerous certain neighborhoods are but I didn’t imagine that most of those places are like Dunbar Village. Even though I mentor young Black girls in my spare time, these young ladies are being proactive when it comes to their education and changing their environment. However the chaos that you speak of doesn’t exist in my world. I’m not around those types of people and I can’t understand how someone can tolerate non-stop abuse. If someone hits me, I get back and get away from them, I don’t stick around and get beat on. I don't want to sound insensitive but how are we going to change the mindset of these Black women who only know chaos and dysfunctional behavior? The people who are reading you blogs probably know the deal and have a plan of action to get out. But what about everyone else who are trapped? There is so much resistance to changing one’s life for the better and taking responsibility for your actions. At this point Blacks can’t blame White people for their behavior.

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Anonymous 2: I'm really going to insist ppl log in w/some sort of name to keep up! Yeah that's part of the reality check that the "good" black ppl who aren't part of the so-called "elite" classes have FAILED to GRASP. The reputation of the entire collective has been dragged in the gutter. Once ppl get out of the "black community" Matrix they'll have some clarity. If that happens.

I don't know all the details of that celeb divorce but I know that a woman who's 7 months pregnant seeking a divorce from a man with his history must have needed to. He doesn't want to pay alimony and has low-balled her on child support. Val Kilmer tried to hide $10M when he & Joanne Whalley divorced and they had 3 kids ala the plot in Waiting to Exhale.

Muse: Welcome. We're not supposed to do anything for those that don't want to listen, don't agree, don't see it as a problem, don't see their direct or indirect contributions to the mass dysfunction.

Honestly so many of us are still so confused.

I for example have been reading these blogs for months or slightly more than a year. It just clicked for me LAST WEEK how bad it really is.

So this isn't something you can tell someone, they have to have it connect on a visceral level. Even thought I agreed I was still categorizing and separating "those" people vs "everybody else".

WE are those ppl and everybody else is still in the Matrix. The more women that realize that will take steps to free themselves. My blog focuses on a variety of issues but I see the need to tackle this right now. These other bloggers have been instrumental in addressing this disease and disordered thinking for some time. I'm just catching up. We can never have enough blogs addressing these issues because ppl are still NOT getting it. When they are ready to take the red pill Morpheus & Trinity are waiting!

Anonymous said...

"I don't know all the details of that celeb divorce but I know that a woman who's 7 months pregnant seeking a divorce from a man with his history must have needed to. He doesn't want to pay alimony and has low-balled her on child support. Val Kilmer tried to hide $10M when he & Joanne Whalley divorced and they had 3 kids ala the plot in Waiting to Exhale."

Hi, this is Anon 2 again. :)

I hear your points, but at the same time I am not to quick to claim sides. Just the other day, Kelis claimed to be 'broke'. That took away her credibility in my eyes.

I read that Nas offered to pay $5k a month ($60k). Most people don't even earn that in a month.

Also, Nas' ex has claimed that he was stingy when it came to supporting his daughter financially.

To sum it up: People are crazy! lol

Some thing I else I wanted to add is that AA women have all the opportunities in the world. You guys live in the land of 'plenty'. Make the most of it! You have some of the most gorgeous men! Why stick to Black only? lol

But seriously, I wish everyone well.

Anon 2

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Lauren: Missed your reply. I know. I just want to make sure to be very careful about making sweeping statements that encompass all people or giving an inaccurate impression. We have to evaluate ALL MEN for DBR tendencies and all environments to ensure they are beneficial for us.

Felicia said...

Faith, you said:

"The reputation of the entire collective has been dragged in the gutter."

That's true. And that's why it's SO important that each and every black woman out there who "gets it", to DIFFERENTIATE themselves somehow from the Matrix members.

Fair-minded people won't lump everyone together.

This ABC ("acting black" crew) mentality is literally killing AA's collective image in the wider society.

And this hurts those smart BW who DO wish to date, mate, and procreate more wisely.

Those BW interested in escaping the inhospitable "bc" and trying something new.

Evaluating men based on important things such as character instead of unimportant things such as color/"race".

The ABC's are BUSY attempting to taint BW's collective image. And sadly, out of stupidity and ignorance some BW are in on that madness too.

They SEE more and more BW successfully jumping ship, and leaving the Titanic.

And that's why some of this haterade has escalated.

The crabs in a barrel mentality.

Anyway, the point I'm getting at is those outside the "bc" DO notice the mayhem.

And they're commenting about it too. Now I realize that many deem it inappropriate for outsiders (non African-Americans) to express their opinions about the inner misworkings of the "bc". I understand that. All I'll say is, sometimes they do make SPOT ON observations.

And it DOES matter (both individually and as a group) what those outside the "bc" think.

NO man or woman is an Island. Not black folks, white folks, or any other folk.

Everything and everyone is eventually interrelated.

One Jewish man's take...


Father's Day In The Black Community


"Obama's conception of the problem is, however, incomplete and his vision of the solution is too narrow. The absent black father is a symptom of the social pathology of black society. The core of any society is the family; at its core, black society is broken. The collapse of the black family after the 1950s was like a bomb explosion that blew apart the central black social institution, leaving social pathology in its wake. Sexual promiscuity, high abortion rates, out-of-wedlock births, single-parent families, substitution of unformalized cohabitation for marriage, social dependency, male juvenile delinquency and adult crime, and laggard progress on the social ladder are all well-known social problems distinctive in the black community by their prevalence and their discouraging influence. Only 25% of the black community is able to cohere as married integral families with parents of children present. "

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Felicia: Thank you again for providing outside sources of information that we can review. My blog posts are already quite lengthy so it's good to have a comment section! And black ppl wonder why so many have started to view all of us askance. This is why.

Khadija said...


Yet another excellent post! Yes, the White, gay, male community (or at least key members of it, like Larry Kramer) cared enough about themselves to save their own lives.

And these activists from ACT-UP faced a lot of similar "hateration" when they insisted that gay men reject the subcultures AND behaviors that were causing their mass AIDS die-off in the 1980s. They called on other gay men to reject behaviors and places such as unprotected sex without condoms, and bathhouses, etc. And so the gay cultural shift toward seeking marriage began.

And it worked! The new infection rates among White, gay men went down. And ACT-UP's activism hastened the availability of HIV medications. Unfortunately, it would appear that recent generations of gay WM have forgotten the lessons learned by countless deaths in the 1980s.

[I'm specifically referring to gay, White men because it seems to me that the AA GLBTs did (and currently do) very little organizing to save their own lives. Which makes AA gays and lesbians just like the rest of us---apathy in the face of our own destruction is almost a generalized AA tradition at this point.]

And so we call on those AA women who want to live good lives to reject having OOW births. To reject "Booty Call/Hook-Up" culture, and EVERYTHING connected to it. We call on AA women to claim their God-given right to be WIVES who are protected and provided for. To claim their God-given right to live in peace and security.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

nothink4me said...

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Well I've just started a blog and the truth is in it. Please give me a chance and check it out. http://adultrhymesalookintoreality.blogspot.com

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Anon 2: All of my comments are in moderation and they're not all showing up at the same time. It might go through quicker if you create a profile. Also I'm not interested in discussing the divorce of two people I don't know or care for. I was just using that as an example. Since she is considered one of the "acceptable" girls I'm curious to see how long black male privilege will assert itself and she finds herself being ridiculed like the average AA woman.

Khadija: See my next post.

Nothink4me: Welcome and I will check out your blog.

anonymousranter said...

You are spot on about the problem and it is good to see one reject the behavior. I am sure that you get your daily dose of hate mail accusing you of "male bashing" "being self-hating" and all of the other adjectives the "ABC" crew like to use. Power to you, it is my hope that you are able to reach others with your message.