Regarding Tyson: Confessions On National TV Is Not A Substitute For Therapy

I thought the Mike Tyson interview on Oprah earlier this week was a HAM. It's great for her and the ratings but ultimately how does this actually benefit any of us? I wasn't sure there'd be any benefit to watching it as I didn't need that episode to tell me Tyson has serious problems. Since she had him back on yesterday for Fridays Live I thought a discussion was warranted.

Here are some of my thoughts in no particular order:

• He may be more self-aware but he's still a menace.
• His limited education (and perhaps capacity for learning) is a huge impediment.
• We can see yet again the result of letting a fatherless male child grow up in society without guidance.
• Of course someone should have been concerned about Oprah's safety - he's made a career out of brutalizing men and is a convicted criminal (but she as a security detail).
• Forgiveness and redemption are not to be doled out like candy. They must be earned and appreciated.
• He's apologized to Evander Holyfield - again - but is he actually remorseful. Seriously?
• What amends has he attempted to make to Desiree Washington for raping her and Robin Givens for beating her?

I would not be alone in a room with that man under any circumstance. He seems rather volatile and ready to go off at any second. I still sense his rage and his insecurities just beneath the surface. Who are these women that line up to have sex with this man and have children with him? You cannot convince me money is not a huge incentive. His current wife's denial was even called out by Oprah during the first interview.

Despite his sorrow, his increasing self-awareness and his public display what has he actually learned and how has he changed? Crying relieves stress and looks really good on television. It doesn't guarantee a fundamental shift in one's core. Despite his numerous points of dysfunction he mentions he learned how to treat women from watching pimps. Pimps are criminals who exploit women. At what point did he ever ask himself why he chose to model his actions based on the dregs and predators of society? Do I even need to mention that he was obviously influenced by the rather typical rejection of certain black women by mostly African-American males for one who falls in the lighter-skinned long hair category? There's a rather distinct pattern here.

Finally, I conclude this entire interview is one that belonged on a therapist's couch not a television talk show host's. Ditto for the dad in the audience that said he could relate to the loss of his child from watching Tyson. Some may feel as if they've seen a whole new side that "explains" him better. I have to ask why it would take such an interview that scratches the surface and should be a beginning point for personal transformation for someone to figure out the man has had emotional problems? Many of us have things we must work through but don't substitute the confessional aspects of sharing your dysfunction with the entire world for the real work of intensive therapy.

Nor do we choose to take it out on others we perceive as being weaker or less likely to be protected. Did you get the part where he said he doesn't want the details of what happened to his 4 year-old daughter because he'll "blame" someone?! There was a definite implied threat behind that statement. Someone who's actually changed doesn't constantly revert back to destructive and violent patterns. So as far as I'm concerned he hasn't changed at all. Not where it really counts. Don't spread the message that African-Americans are such a damaged people. Which also brings me to another question for these men (like the dad featured) who have children out of wedlock: if you care so much why aren't you providing an intact family structure for them by marrying the mother of your children?

Follow-Up to Good Hair: Still Being Mocked & Who Went To See It?

I know somebody actually paid money to see Chris Rock's "Good Hair" MOCKumentary. The question is how did it fare? Did your curiosity take over and you simply had to go? The pre-release buzz was so great that even some black men went to see it - which of course tells me there was some serious foolishness going on.

Rock came back to Oprah's couch table Friday so they could discuss the "angry" emails she received. Well there was legitimate critique of this work by numerous writers, bloggers, etc. with the discernment to see how Rock lacks the emotional maturity to cover a subject of this magnitude with the respect it requires. She was very selective in what she chose to read on air. I know she didn't read my email to Harpo that's for sure. The criticism isn't about the subject but about airing dysfunction publicly and who is telling our stories and why.

If you notice Oprah is mocking the very women who objected and seems to be falling into the guard dog, soldier for black men role as she attacks another black woman for not blindly supporting her "man". Some have suggested that Oprah is a wholly divested from the "dead" black community mentality but if her latest actions are any indication she's not removed from "save the black man" mode. From breaking bread with the unrepentant former drug dealer (who glorifies it in his latest song with Alicia Keys) Jay-Z, to her continued support for Rock, Tyler Perry & Steve Harvey I have to wonder who she's trying to reach out to. If it's to others still thinking in terms of race above all personal self-interest then her embracing of them should bring relief to those that have long complained about her "not doing enough". Which is code for telling and expecting black women to run to the rescue of everyone (uplifting black men especially) to their detriment while offering nothing in turn.

Where is her support for projects that don't mock black women or have us in "suffering and struggling through oppression" mode? She can do whatever she likes but this one-sided view displayed of black women really bothers me. Between that limited view and perhaps catering to an audience of those that don't have a problem with these men not offering anything of value to the collective, those of us who want to see compelling yet uplifting stories are left out.

So back to the subject at hand, Regina Kimbell's lawsuit was (predictably) tossed. **I was given wrong information and can happily report the case is a go!!** As it turns out when she allowed Rock and his producers to view her documentary My Nappy Roots they weren't required to sign a non-disclosure agreement beforehand and wouldn't do so afterwards. It makes proving a copyright violation that much more difficult. This hearing will determine whether the case can proceed so let's keep our fingers crossed. This is the first step of a long road and appeals process.

Even the most savvy businessperson can get the shaft in Hollywood. Black women especially, we must be reminded time and time again to know our surroundings and the learn the rules of engagement in various social and business settings. People whose interest lie in making money are not our automatic friends and a person with a recognizable name is not our automatic ally. It would've been a different set of circumstances had they violated an agreement though as some of you may know from previous experience a contract is no guarantee of compliance or protection. Still it's better to have something.

If you're curious about her project though you can view a 15 minute clip here. Password: nappy. There's also a Facebook fan page you can sign up for. If your interest lies in exploring the spectrum of choices black women make in determining how to style their hair AND you want a true cultural/historical analysis (which is absent from Rock's trickle-down version) then go purchase this documentary instead. I'd love to see Ms. Kimbell try to get a distribution deal as the subject is now of interest to a wider audience (i.e. white people). It's time to make lemonade out of lemons. I also think Rock has got enough negative publicity (rightfully so) that less people will actually pay to see him making an a** of himself than he thinks. Those free screenings were packed for a reason.

Now back to the show commentary. When Oprah reads the email (which got a cut off a bit but I'd heard enough) from the woman who discusses how black men like to run their hands through silky hair I felt slightly dirty for listening. This poor woman is stuck in DBR-Ville, wasting her time fighting for those black men who have long left to go pursue their own interests. Predictably I bet we could surmise her life has consisted of giving too much and not getting anything in return or worse continuing to be used by some man for sex/food/shelter but not getting any of the benefits of true companionship. She may even think she wouldn't be found appealing to men of other groups.

What I found interesting was how Rock again tried to dismiss the core issue of what she was expressing by making a joke out of it. He discusses how he used to constantly have his hands in the hair of the non-black women he's dated (and cheated on his wife with as has been rumored) in a different portion of the show but he wants to try to invalidate her complaint. No, black women should not be "competing" with white women over black men. Or any other woman for that matter. Yes, other discerning women do recognize the weakness amongst many black men who seems to delight in the presence of any non-black woman regardless of her caliber. They make it so obvious! There are far too many good men out there looking for their Mrs. Right. Yes...a wife NOT a wifey. It's up to us to discern caliber over trash and how to play to win. That's so much better than what this woman is experiencing.

The other segment has a professional woman discussing how she doesn't want to be open for ridicule or rudeness. Oprah then proceeds to tell whites that seeing this MOCKumentary doesn't give them license to make assumptions about how black women style their hair but the damage has already been done. That ship has sailed. Black women's bodies are already on display and many whites still think they have a right to invade us out of curiosity. As if we're zoo specimens. Also since we've been so callously displayed as degraded sex objects by black men via hip-hop, etc. our image has already taken a huge beating.

It was also very disingenuous for Rock to make some fake moral statement about how secrets destroy people in relation to his documentary. He simply refused to discuss the influence of patriarchy and the desire for certain black men to escape their blackness by rejecting black women as mates as the root cause of this pursuit of "good" hair. It really isn't about white people. For many it's still about finding appeal amongst black men (specifically African American) which is a wasted effort as far as I'm concerned.

**By the way I want to do my own documentary about a subject matter sensitive to some black men: the myth of the giant penis. I can be chased down the street by Vienna sausages because oh my goodness that would be so funny. It's all in "good" humor, right? I'll get a panel of women to discuss how there's no real size difference amongst men of all groups. I would expect the same level of understanding and hands-off approach afforded to Rock.

Black Women Hair Angst Should Not Be Open For Public Consumption

I could actually take the "Hair" out of the title of this post and leave it as is. Black women angst should NOT be open for public consumption!! I find these conversations to be challenging, painful and difficult. They require time and great care as we sort through things. The issue is they're often full of pain and tied to other issues involving the abandonment and denigration of black women (in particular African-American black women) at the hands of black men.

So when Chris Rock appeared on Oprah yesterday to discuss his documentary, "Good Hair" I cringed. Again, it's another hijacking of stories that should be told and controlled by BLACK WOMEN but is only given "validity" by those black men who decide to cash in on them. That cashing in may be monetary compensation or notoriety. This goes hand in hand with other black women engaging in patriarchy-based sexism who agree to defer to these "experts" simply because they are MEN.

Curiosity on a subject is usually an indication you need to examine an issue further but to then make a cottage industry out of it at the expense of your "subject matter" is all about YOUR hustle. Any real assistance that emerges is a residual affect. The assumption that black men (who frequently devalue other black women in their personal and professional lives) can suddenly decide to "come to the rescue" of black women in one hand with the "answer" in the other is disturbing to me. It's not sincere. Not when pathologies and pain are laid bare in a public forum AND they're trying to make money from it.

The participation of black women is still 100% required for any such projects to be successful. I'm still annoyed that Steve Harvey, the thrice-married cheater is giving any woman advice on how to have a successful relationship - and given validity. Especially when he's being sued for stealing the concept and content from another black woman. Then we have Tyler Perry allowing a black woman writer-director to be pushed out of the For Colored Girls project in favor of....himself. I could go down a list.

As more and more black women take the pill to get out of the DBR Matrix our movements have not gone unnoticed! Now our real oppressors want to further obstruct the path to freedom by seeming to champion us. Like any sneaky saboteur they will grin in our faces while steadying the knife to stick in our backs. We must never forget the oppressors are also in competition with those of us who want to succeed. It's part race and part class warfare. Lest anyone wish to dispute this ask yourself how you'd feel if it was a white male director making a documentary about "good" hair and referring to childhood photos of Oprah as her "slave" look. All of our skin folk are NOT our kin folk!

Here's a "good" moment from yesterday's Oprah episode - but again Rock has to insert himself and his opinion as if what he thinks about Solange actually matters. He is spot on in his political commentary but has a clear animus towards educated and successful black women. I still remember the way he put down Michelle Obama during his comedy routine from last year and his poor attitude toward his wife. As if making a joke out of married life and devaluing relations between black men and women accompanied with laughter removes all the hatred.

Speaking of which - where was Malaak Compton-Rock in this conversation? Why isn't SHE on stage (ok at least in the audience)? It makes you wonder about all the rumors of their marital strife. I sense much of it stems from him and his attitudes. If he is sooo concerned about the well-being of his daughters and screams from the rafters about what he says to reaffirm their beauty why is there such an ongoing problem? Actions speak louder than words that's why. Like so many weak, insecure and often limited-educated African-American black men (regardless of their income) their short-comings are obvious to everyone but them.

**Carmen Dixon mentioned me in her latest post! Thanks CD.

Phillips Incest Allegations Continued Discussion with Chynna Phillips

I'm glad I decided to watch yesterday's Oprah Live episode because she had a follow-up interview with Mackenzie Phillips. They discussed the reaction from family and friends. Mac's sister Chynna sat on Oprah's stage to publicly declare she believed the allegations as they had been revealed years earlier. What else can I say?

Mackenzie Phillips Follow-Up Interview on Oprah: Responses From Bijou & Michelle Phillips

After much public scrutiny and some serious blowback from family members, Mac returns to Oprah to defend herself. Who'd expect everyone to be happy with the public airing of such foul behavior? We cannot discount the fact that she has a story to tell even if it's one of such unpleasant details. Apparently it will be revealed that both her sisters have known for years about the incest - even before John Phillips' death. Clearly Mac's sister Bijou feels violated and if I were in her position I think my reaction would be similar when she asked if they knew about the incest why would they have left her alone with her father. If she's been to a qualified therapist I'm certain it would have been discussed that children tend to be singled out for abuse and what happens to one child may not happen to another. As to the response of Michelle Phillips, Mackenzie's one-time stepmother it's clear she doesn't want to hear about it let alone have the entire world know. Admittedly for a good reason, but since it didn't happen to her she has no say in continuing to keep it a secret.

Michael Jackson Oprah Interview Rewind

Oprah remembers her seminal interview with Michael Jackson from 1993.

Whitney Houston Oprah Interview Day 2: On Michael Jackson & Her Comeback

Houston discusses her friendship with Michael Jackson. One thing I've found interesting is how isolated and lonely so many of these celebrities are. They have so much talent and so many resources. It seems as if they get lost in the mix trying to self-protect. Houston says she's feeling the love she has for HERSELF and that's a great thing. We must always make sure our needs are being met an we take care of ourselves first.

Houston claims to be drug-free. I'm not going to comment on the fact that despite all of this discussion about Bobby Brown and his abusive behavior she's friends with R Kelly. Ok I lied. One word comes to mind: hypocrite. Another word comes to mind: denial. That's all I'm gonna say. When we've discussed evaluating how and what we support if we are denigrated by others I have to include the women who support the denigration. There's much I don't know and may not understand. I still have to employ some semblance of standards though. That's all I'm gonna say. ** This got way too gushy for me at the end. That's all I'm gonna say.

Whitney Houston Oprah Interview Day 2: How Whitney Finally Left

Houston discusses the decision to leave her marriage. Sigh. I am really having a problem with the language and tone of how she insists on placing ALL the blame on her ex-husband. Has anyone else noticed how she also lays territorial claim to her daughter as HERS. Perhaps some children who've lived through their parents' divorce can further explain this but isn't this a blatant example of forcing a child to pick sides? Considering it's Houston with all the "goodies": money, fame, respect, etc. I can see how that wouldn't be too hard of a decision.

Also Bobbi Kristina is the only child of her mother. I could be totally off base with this analysis. I do understand how a young girl could see her parent's destructive relationship and know it would be best for them to part. So obviously if she could articulate that to her mother in person then they must be close. I still think this interview offers MUCH to learn from but the scrutiny is on now. If Houston has stopped abusing drugs for example but picks it up again - which isn't outside the realm of possibility given the number of years she's been an offender - she won't be able to blame Bobby Brown this time.

Whitney Houston Oprah Interview Day 2: Whitney Is An Angel, Bobby The Devil

I admit to being captivated by this interview but I think a few things need to be made clear. This is obviously a very controlled discussion. I'd definitely label Bobby Brown a DBR black male but after one hour of hearing about all the bad things he did yesterday I've had enough. Whitney Houston CHOSE him. Time and time again. Year after year after year after year. There had to be a payoff in it. She had ALL of the resources and the exit door was wide open at any time. I'd like to hear about her acceptance of accountability for that. I'm not expecting any.

This is something that's emblematic of many African-American women. We can discuss the factors and influences that oppress us but there has to be a point when we say "no more". I wonder why holding on to religious totems or "acceptable" orientation or hanging on to an obvious no-quality man offers such a powerful incentive for self-immolation. This can apply to any woman from any class strata. Being alone is much better than being surrounded by people who tear you down or are bleeding you dry.

I think we need to have a conversation about how striking gutter balls - or striking out - in love (or career, friendships, etc) can have a lasting impact on us. It depends on where we are in our lives, what age these situations occur and our coping mechanisms. Our success in being able to shake things off and still operate from a position of strength can be severely compromised. Our desire to escape the pain, confusion and disappointment can serve as the impetus to our addiction and isolation. It may not be drugs that we turn to. It could be food. It could be television. I could be retreating from life. The vulnerability that we may feel that allows us to have compassion for others isn't always reciprocated when we need it the most. Having strength in character doesn't mean we don't need a shoulder to lean on and sometimes there's no one available or willing to provide that. Or they may take advantage of us. These types of situations can further aid our in descent even as we're ultimately responsible. It can make things more challenging...not impossible...but definitely a situation that may cause us to be hesitant even as we're making affirming life choices.

Whitney Houston Oprah Interview pt 5 & 6: Co-Dependency & Rising From the Pit of Despair

Hmm is bragging about the drugs you use a sign of recovery? That jet set lifestyle has its downside. Houston is describing the enablers and hangers-on. She also discusses achieving a certain level of fame. The description of the isolation and distance between two people caught in an addiction and dysfunctional relationship is difficult to hear.

Houston also discusses her choice at elevating her ex-husband to her detriment. She claims she knew she was lost and tried to get back to herself. I wonder what her relatives were doing during this decade of dysfunction but I realize that you cannot save anyone else bent on self-destruction. It's interesting to hear how her mother showed up with the police (with Brown ducking for cover of course) and a court order to force her to go back to rehab. Clearly it had been looooong overdue.

I really hope that Houston is well and in a good place.

The second part of the interview airs today. I'm very curious about how Bobbi Kristina is doing.

Whitney Houston Oprah Interview pt 3 & 4: Hiding Pain, Cheating Spouses & Crack is Wack 2009

What do we do to cope with the stresses and disappointments we experience?

Clearly something was eating at Houston but she doesn't reveal what that is during this interview. Nor do I think she needs to. I wonder if she's done the necessary work to get to the root of her problems. I hope this isn't about making money at the expense of her well-being.

Houston reveals that she checked on Brown because he'd been cheating. Remember Karrine Steffans wrote about having sex with him in her book. Not to mention the numerous out of wedlock children he had, the missed child support payments, the drunk driving and what else? I couldn't keep up. How many excuses do we make for the misdeeds of others? It's nice to know Houston took her vows seriously, but blind loyalty with no boundaries or consequences for foul behavior is not what marriage is supposed to be about. I imagine though that God is saying, "I didn't tell you to marry that fool!" Considering where she was at this time in her life though I think her choice in marrying Brown was as much a reflection of her internal cesspool as his.

Hmm is bragging about the types of drugs you use a sign of recovery? That jet set lifestyle has its downside, but where's the ownership from Houston in her own addiction? She's describing the enablers and hangers-on. She also discusses achieving a certain level of fame. The description of the isolation and distance between two people caught in an addiction and dysfunctional relationship is difficult to hear.

Whitney Houston Oprah Interview pt 2: Drugs, Alcohol & Violence

Whitney gets into her drug use - partially. I can't help but notice (after watching this more than once) how she deflected the question and zoned in exclusively on ex-husband Bobby Brown. Not that we aren't curious but....here's the thing: there are times we suffer because of the actions of others. There are times we suffer because of our actions. When we've compromised ourselves we have no control over how the ramifications of those actions (choices) will play themselves out.

She describes a very volatile relationship that she's only hinting at. While I have no sympathy for Brown I have to ask whether Houston gets to be "classified" as victim or active participant in her destruction. They allowed their daughter to witness their destructive behavior her entire life and that absolutely will have a negative impact on her without professional intervention. Houston has been very fortunate to have any number of people, powerful people supporting her and taking a vested interest in her success and welfare. I don't think other women in her situation usually fare as well.

What do you think?

Whitney Houston Oprah Interview pt 1

Did you miss the interview of the year? This day one interview between Oprah Winfrey and Whitney Houston was INTENSE!!! I have many thoughts about their discussion but I'd love to hear yours. This had to be broken up into small increments to process all of the interpersonal and career ramifications. I think there is MUCH to be learned here. I'm making this an open thread if you want to comment. I'm still digesting quite frankly.

Oprah Might Relinquish Her Crown..Discusses Whitney Houston

The queen of all media just might be announcing the end of her show. Oprah Winfrey left a teaser with Good Morning America as she promoted the newest season. Can you believe it's been 24 years! I grew up with Oprah and can't imagine a time when she wasn't around. It has been nice to see her evolution as a force to be reckoned with.

Nobody will be able to fill the void that will be left once Oprah moves on. NOBODY. Whitney Houston appears in a 2-part interview starting Monday that is likely to be one of the biggest seasons ever. I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Shaun Robinson from Access Hollywood interviews Oprah speaking her truth and discussing Whitney. I wasn't that Houston's appearance until the zinger portion of the interview.

Did you get the part where they discuss how Whitney tried to shrink herself to remain in a relationship with (my words) an inadequate man? We all know what Bobby Brown came with (less funds, baby mommas, a stalled career, etc). This is gonna be deep.....

Studying African-American History is Vital For Our (Re)claiming It From the Culture Vultures

Will we be eulogizing the death of the "Negro" as we once knew ourselves? 

Every day a little bit of our heritage is being tossed on the garbage heap and mocked at as some of us walk - no run -  away from our "Blackness". We think we're freeing ourselves from a life of being thought of as less-than but we're just exchanging one set of shackles for another. If the Ghetto Fabulous/Bling Bling lifestyle doesn't make us permanent paupers, the sexing of any Black man (baby daddy, abuser, married, ex-con, unemployed) with a working appendage is going to kill Black women faster than anything else. The Slave Catchers won't have anyone to rail against because there won't be anyone left who's claiming to be Black.  The Pseudo-Intellegentsia bunch won't have anyone to point fingers at and look down on. White people can't understand them anyway with all that double-speak of long-windedness. Martyrdom offers no death benefits, only death. With no Black women comes the end of our society as we know it.

I'm tired of being assaulted by images of crack pipes, dirty diapers, crying babies and hood life. That was not my existence. Or worse having to endure the complete over-compensation with bragging about fast cars, fancy champagne and all the women some really unattractive guy has slept with. I'm also tired of being simultaneously ignored and vilified, told I'm not attractive because my hair doesn't blow in the wind, etc. If you were looking for a husband would any women of substance is her right mind attach herself to an uneducated, consumerist, perpetually un(der)employed, spiritually bankrupt male? Well not if she wants to elevate herself and any future children she may have. 

I made the mistake of turning to an Urban radio station last week. There was some song on where the guy was singing about laying a woman on a table to have sex with her and videotape it. Ugh! I only wish it had been phrased that mildly. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the depravity that passes for typical Black music today but I was disgusted. I told my sister that I just don't listen to these stations anymore for a reason and she replied the music had always been raunchy but it was more cleverly disguised back then. So I had to think about that. 

I'm talking the 70's & 80's. Now I remember album covers of groups like the Ohio Players who objectified women for sure with them pouring jars of honey on themselves and whatnot but they were (usually) visibly Black women, right? {I had to go searching for it - here}. I do feel as if I'm somehow trying to justify it, but you'll find an equally cheesy photo of the band grinning for the camera! I realize virtue and perfection are not mutually exclusive anywhere, but why does the wind seem to blow in our direction constantly? As a church-going child I used to look at those album covers and declare they were "nasty men" for doing that. I never once wanted to be that woman and I was never confused that it was inappropriate. Somehow it just seems mild in comparison to today, but I suppose it could be thought of as the gateway to our total cultural destruction. It was the 90's with the rise of "gangsta" rap where things came to a head and fell apart. 

It's times like these where I don't feel "Black" because a bunch of self-hating culture killers have sprung up like weeds in the garden of Blackhood to choke the life out our glorious bloom. You know how some of us refer to "those people" and declare "that's not about me". We've watched it happen but did NOT pull those weeds out. We simply mowed over them. You know how when you shave your legs the hair seems to grow back stronger and faster? That's what has happened to African-American (Black) culture. Weeds are meant to be discarded not to be passed off as an entire culture. For it to be falsely assigned as the sole definition of African-American culture is a CRIME. It is NOT what you typically see and hear in the music, film and television being force-fed today - but it has been allowed to be and THAT needs to STOP! Look at this latest form of "entertainment", the movie Next Day Air.

When two bumbling criminals accidentally receive a package of grade-A cocaine, they think they've hit the jackpot. But when they try to cash in on their luck, it triggers a series of events that forever changes the lives of ten people.

Essence magazine actually recommends this film in the issue with the First Lady and First Grandmother! Showing Blacks in all their bottom-feeding tendencies (that anyone is capable of by the way but is somehow only perpetually showcased as a strictly Black pathology) and having that be the MAIN image shown to the entire world for the purposes of ENTERTAINMENT only maintains white supremacy. Even when it's done by other Black people! It's no coincidence certain people get record deals and certain projects get the green light. We do need to strategize better but the combo of racism/self-hate begets these "gems" of foolishness. This is applied across the board throughout all media. There is NOTHING sacred anymore. 

I say we round up all the Culture Vultures and pick them off one by one. It's what you do to traitors. I'm tired of feeling embarrassed or having to take a firm stance and fend off these constant attacks or explain things to willfully ignorant people. Well...I suppose I was wandering in the wilderness myself at some point, but guess what? I got hungry and thirsty and decided to leave. I don't care that some people are making money and they were poor and blah blah cry me a river okay?! Having a million dollars on a deserted island is useless. They've torpedoed the ship and it's sinking faster than the Titanic.  Hence the conversation on some blogs about the need for divestment and building an ark to get the heck up out of Dodge! It's why I feel so angry I got suckered into thinking American Violet was a celebration of the spirit of Black women and indirectly a tribute to the our Amazons who fought through beatings, rapes and terror to overcome. 

It was just another tool of mockery to highlight the cesspool mentality. We showcase the worst of ourselves as poo on a platter, offer that up with whipped creme and call it cuisine. It's a disgrace. It's the foolishness makes me ashamed to be Black. It's not because I hate myself. I've read enough books that were NEVER offered in school to know my ancient history of our people. We were everywhere from Europe to Asia to Africa and back. We are Medici. We are Buddha. We are Christ (I don't care what anyone says about that - nobody would have to pimp those drawings of Michelangelo's bro so hard if Jesus had actually took on the appearance of white man). We were Princesses of England. We were married to a half of a famous poetic duo (Elizabeth Barrett Browning), the Queen of Sheba and everyone in between. 

We've discussed the term "Acting Black Crew" (those that promote our worst behavior and hate being educated/speaking proper English and usually don't know ANYTHING about our common history) across a spectrum of blogs (Khadija, Evia, Sarah, Halima, Lisa - see the blog rolls in case I missed a few). If you don't even know where your people came from how can you have any pride in yourself? It's why white LGBTs and white Feminists have been able to take the language of our struggles turn it into their own Industrial Complexes and make it all about them, effectively removing us from the equation.

I was having this ongoing discussion in my Rebuttal of Gay Activism Argument post last week. See I agreed with Ms. Richardson there was a problem but I didn't like the bigotry surrounding it. I can still support the idea of marriage equality for everyone because I know other Blacks will benefit from it. I cannot support white people hijacking my culture for their benefit while denying my existence. The lack of racial and ethnic pride amongst LGBTs is the reason why they've allowed a few white men take over and speak for them while shoving them back in the closet. Out of sight out of mind! From pre-Stonewall through Civil Rights through Women's Liberation and beyond there have always been Black LGBTs of both genders and Black women fighting for equality on all fronts for ALL OF US since our ancestors survived the Boat Trip From Hell. 

If there was racial pride would so many Black men have abandoned Black women right after Civil Rights and their jointly created offspring? Yes, a few people falling in love with people from other races/ethnicities is a beautiful thing but when you've got more than 70% of BW unmarried (from waiting for teh menz to return and not looking elsewhere) and/or with out of wedlock children the wheels on the bus have fallen off. Not matter how you slice it, it does NOT add up to a stable, fruitful life for the collective! At this point I say stay gone and Black women should recognize their own free agency to do whatever they like in choosing a mate as well. Just don't go running away into Black Escapist Neverland. Wherever you land you've dragged yourself (and all baggage) with you and will pass onto your children.

Why does a show like African American Lives hold such weight? The concept of tracing one's genealogy and lineage should not be such a foreign concept. Of course paying $350 for a mitochondrial test isn't necessarily affordable for everyone right now but how many people have iPhones, DVD players or are planning on attending the Essence Music Festival this year? The mtDNA test will cover numerous direct descendants (mother, sister, grandmother) so why not split it amongst 5-10 people? Wait for the economy to level off and you can't tell me nobody can come up $35. Then do the paternal test.  

I was always struck by the change that (temporarily) came over Chris Rock as the light bulb clicked on for him. He's very much a prime example of a self-hating man who takes out his inferiority complex on Black women. His jokes about our FLOTUS were oh-so-funny NOT! For all of his astute political observations, the thought never occurred to him to do a complete background check of his gene pool? He's a millionaire! 

As has been pointed out many of us come from people who've survived being enslaved, through Reconstruction, through Jim Crow and through Civil Rights. So why don't we take pride in our selves and our history like other groups do? Things are worse than ever for the majority. No - I'm not talking about a few individuals like Oprah who worked hard and took advantage of every opportunity afforded her and owns her show! She was helped by numerous whites, given good advice and discerned what was useful to her and ignored the rest. So many Black people are always complaining about O and it's not about her show content. 

They're mad because she made it without them (Black men) and doesn't feel beholden to anyone (including other Blacks). We didn't "make" Oprah and we usually don't support the ventures of Black women anyway. It's not just us, though. Didn't she have to tell certain white female Hillary Clinton supporters she was FREE? Some are mad that she won't throw open her doors and say "come on in" to a larger portion of male rap artists. Why should she? Don't we see enough mayhem and destruction as it is? Go on the Tyra Banks show. She offers little criticism and no discernment whatsoever. Or have Jay Leno snicker along beside you as you publicly trash Black women. 

That's why I was resolved to address this Asher Roth situation on Twitter (where he rehashed the Imus offense and lied about it) that happened a few nights ago. No, I wasn't more outraged because a white guy had dissed us. It was because the precedent had already been signed, sealed, delivered and sent express mail. Multiple times. Some people were outraged but even within that the focus was too much on race and not on the inherent SEXISM involved and the continued degradation of Black women. 

I'm glad Oprah refuses to have the Culture Vultures take over her show. She's had Diddy and some others on numerous times but under controlled circumstances. Believe me he knows how to be charming but he's right up there with the rest of the peddling Porno/Warfare crew. Either someone's directly involved in helping the weeds grow or they're justifying why it's okay to have them our garden. I always feel a little sadder when it's a dysfunctional Black male identified Black woman but I think it comes down to the failure to learn our history and being brainwashed. Poo and whipped creme isn't creme brule you know. 

Boy, are we going to cry and knash our teeth if we let Ebony and Jet go the way of the dodo bird. Soul Train is gone. Essence was put on the auction block. Showtime at the Apollo airs when? This is why I decided to renew my subscription to Ebony. I don't always like the content or think it's always as encompassing as it needs to be, but it's for us and by us! If we won't be then who will?

Now Twitter's Really Gonna Get Busy: Here Comes Oprah

Well we should all gird our loins because Oprah's a-coming to Twitter. According to the official Oprah Winfrey Show page on Facebook - which she also recently joined:

The Oprah Winfrey Show: Oprah's now on Twitter! Don't miss her very first Tweet this Friday on the Oprah Show! http://twitter.com/Oprah

Personally I'm finding so many of her shows to be quite compelling as of late even if I vehemently disagree with the views presented. At least the conversation is thought-provoking and intelligent. So since most of her Friday shows are taped live in Chicago at 10am EST expect Twitter to crash for a bit around then. We know how much our beloved Twitter has become the flavor du jour as it was expected, but the recent user growth has caused their servers to overload more than once. I'm fairly certain the value of their selling price just went up as well.

I'm also curious as to whether she herself will be sending updates in the future or if it'll be a staffer. The value of this account will be determined by who handles it as she's busy enough as it is. Since Oprah admitted she didn't even have a cell phone I applaud whoever encouraged her to keep the show fresh and involved with social media. 

photo from FB site

Oprah Show On Dating Violence

Oprah's Thursday episode she asked Tyra Banks to be her co-host as they discussed dating violence amongst teens. Is it being petty to point out that with such a serious discussion someone really should have talked to Tyra about her how distracting her hair (too many blonde highlights with the wig) and makeup (she looked orange with hot pink lips and too much brown eye shadow) looked? How can I take a woman seriously who is so invested in her appearance - not from being excellent but from such glaring insecurity (at least that's what I sense)? She's an attractive woman but seems to operate from such patriarchal domination that even when she's giving to others through her talk show she's continually seeking out attention for herself as some form of validation. 

It undermines everything she does. The contrast was even more apparent (again, to me) with her sitting next to Oprah. This is the same Oprah who lamented about her weight failures to ad nauseum but I have to say wearing her hair blown out instead of the curly mane she usually dons was very flattering. Also she's so comfortable with what she does and has a certain level of gravitas that lends an air of authenticity and authority that Tyra just doesn't have. I suppose because they have different demographics it doesn't matter as much. Teens would probably prefer a young(er) host for talk show though I'd imagine with maturity would outgrow her format. 

Yet Tyra doesn't do the best impersonation of herself. I watched 3/4 of an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race to see what the buzz was all about. Though I will not support his show because of his support for that idiot Charles Knipp's lunacy I saw how he seemed to capture the essence of impersonating Tyra's decision-making segments from the panel sessions on ANTM. He out-Tyra'd the original. Which is what drag queens are trying to do in essence, personify women.

Yes Oprah & Tyra discussed Rihanna and Chris Brown but there is a much larger problem at stake for millions of young women involved in relationships that can become deadly. As Oprah stated it was a teachable moment. I thought she was extremely fair in her presentation by mentioning Brown's chaotic childhood, etc. It was coming very close to Black male protectionism at the expense of the Black woman who was in fact the injured party. Here's the thing: some of us have more obstacles to overcome than others. That's not fair, but life isn't fair. Brown is in a position to get help though we have yet to see any indication that he wants to take responsibility for his temper, his poor coping skills, his decision to hit a person physically weaker,  his remorse or his change in behavior. Until then he doesn't deserve any sympathy. I also doubt that if he had beat and raped a woman that Oprah would have been so empathetic though I know plenty of other women, Black women who'd be ready to make excuses (shades of R Kelly).  

Tyra talked about how she had had both stars on her show and how Rihanna was just a girl who sang for a living, albeit she's one of the top stars at the moment. She was insisting that we shouldn't make role models out of celebrities. Well isn't that the entire premise of her show, to feature celebs that people imitate and emulate and want to see? Isn't this why they brand themselves now and forge "strategic" partnerships - and get endorsements? If we thought of them as just that guy or gal next door why would we care about what clothes they wear or who they hang out with or buy entertainment/gossip magazines and view websites featuring them? There's money being made from the promotion of their "lifestyle" and to deny that is just...ridiculous! If they are going to take the benefits that come from that scrutiny and admiration then they can't be in control of the downside either. Now I'm not talking about invading privacy, sifting through their garbage, following kids or causing traffic accidents. 

So Oprah had to give us real-life examples of how certain males use dominance tactics to control females and how unprepared they are to deal with it. One young girl was murdered by her boyfriend and she was just 17. Her friends told Oprah they had no idea she'd been in an abusive relationship. There's so much secrecy involved and manipulation. Another young woman talked about how hard it was to leave even though the relationship was destructive because you fall into a pattern of abuse. I can imagine how difficult it would be when you are very young when older women in their 20's, 30's and beyond struggle with it as well. 

This is why we must teach women to put themselves first, but in a patriarchal society deference to men is the norm and it's a reflex even. You have to make conscious choices to see it and step aside for proper evaluation. Tyra talked about an man she dated who was emotionally abusive and she mentioned low self-esteem. Can we just finally put the nail in the coffin of victim language? 

I think part of the self-help movement con is all of this discussion about how fragile and vulnerable we are. I read "Co-dependent No More" when I was in high school. I was trying to understand numerous family dynamics. Yes the author made a lot of valid points but I think we can get caught up in the evaluation and never get to solutions. I am all for AA, Al-Anon, therapy, whatever it takes we must reach out for help with our problems and our pain. I now believe we don't need to know every nook and cranny of our psyche or every single motivation. 

Self-esteem is not a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's about making good choices. Though it's difficult to see our way in the dark, we can take small steps towards the light. That's how we rebuild our self-esteem. We are already powerful even though we may feel our weakest. We cannot place validation that we've regained our footing through the approval of others exclusively because the very people closest to us may in fact want to undermine our efforts. Some ministers are more interested in using us for our free time and money than helping us grow spiritually. Some therapists are crack-pots and just as sexist and racist as the people that have caused us grief. So we have to be careful even in our vulnerability. I know that makes any improvement that much more difficult but it's for our own good to triple-check these sources.

As women we must ask ourselves if what we're doing for others benefits us or if we think we'll be rewarded by them later? If that's the case it may never happen and then what? You can't get that time back. Love isn't supposed to hurt: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or you name it. We must have a set of boundaries and standards that are non-negotiable. Dating violence doesn't happen with every scenario: these boys and men are choosing women they know they can control. It's not an accident or a mistake. If it has happened to you it's because you were targeted. Now the question becomes will you continue to put up with it after the male perpetrator has revealed his true nature to you? If you were in a burning house would you try to work with the fire or make excuses for its flames? Would you stay or would you see all the destruction around you and just flee - no questions asked? 

Do you want to save yourself or perish?

There's a post-show segment at Oprah's site you can watch for more discussion. 

Psst....Guess What? The Government Isn't Going To "Save" You!

Now this isn't a dismissal of the Obama feel good pep talk. Right now everyone's so antsy or downright depressed it feels good to have sun on our faces and a little boost. Plus going down the list from former Presidents to pundits to financial advisors, they don't want PBO to be so blunt. That's too bad because the alarm should be ringing!! So it's down the rabbit hole and being distracted by shiny happy people. Fine. Now that we've been "allowed" to have our dessert first there's still vegetables on our plates. 

We can't ignore certain realities. The national unemployment rate is hovering around 8% (for Blacks it's the highest and closer to 13%). This of course only counts the recently unemployed - not those already in that leaky boat. In California the jobless rate just jumped to 10.1%, sales tax will be increased 1% and personal income tax goes up 2.5%. So yes, we need to plug the hole and steady the boat, but it's been drifting offshore for quite some time. 

We need a lifeline, bucket or paddle to pull ourselves back to the mainland. So the government will step in with its stimulus attempts, but if history shows us anything is that it's limited in its scope for getting to everyone who actually needs help. It's always been people that have been the catalyst that has propelled society forward, either others stepping in or our own survival skills. We are always our greatest advocates. 

It has been the lack of ethics that has caused this huge global financial deterioration. Reaganomics has been a complete and utter disaster. Will the Republican party get that? The decisions we make now will have a long-term impact for our future generations and may determine if we get a future period! I've heard people say they don't care what happens in other countries and are only concerned about the United States. They might care when they realize the bulk of jobs that have been outsourced by US corps to foreign nations support a dubious infrastructure that's collapsing. The impact of what one nation does can have worldwide repercussions for years.

To hear the pundits and some economists, this is all a mere "blip" (give or take a few trillion and a couple of years) and then we can go back to business as usual. Where's my buzzer? NO! Part of the Obama plan for reducing the deficit is to cut back on militarism. How long do you think it will take for another "conflict" to pop off because the war profiteers aren't going to just fade into the background? It's great that PBO wants to show us a written account of how much "our way of life" actually costs by releasing the amounts spent for the Iraqi occupation, but I don't think people understand what is actually going on. There's a deliberate media obfuscation at laying the biggest portion of blame on the 3 Trillion + spent on destroying/rebuilding/stealing resources in Iraq.  It was never about "freedom" for the people.

I went to a Massive Attack show six years ago where they craftily employed a little policy reality check by listing all of the military spending by Western countries on a huge projector. The US outspends the entire world by as much as 8 times the amount. $720M per day. A few weeks of that would wipe out the California deficit. We could resolve homelessness!  I could get into priorities and analysis, blah blah blah. The bottom line is despite some who think we've elected a hippy, the domination/annihilation tactics of this country isn't going to change much. It might be pulled back at best if diplomacy/threats will work. Otherwise it's going to be business as usual and China will own another 10% of the United States.

So I sorta fell off of what my planned original post which was supposed to be about women and our relationship with money but this all ties together. Knowledge is power and  the more we know the better our lives will be. Wednesday's episode of Oprah highlights a Lisa Ling investigative report, "Tent Cities" on the explosion of the homeless population in Sacramento and Northern California of formerly middle class white families (amongst others). Some of the people interviewed talked about trying to keep up with the American dream (aka rampant materialism), not planning for a future and thinking "they" would always be okay no matter what. It was difficult to watch. It's easy to feel vulnerable to despair these days but we need to keep focused on navigating our way through this challenging time instead. 

If you have a job you might want to consider cutting back on everything absolutely not necessary. If you live in an apartment building perhaps you and a neighbor could share wireless service or speak to your building manager about setting up a network. Learn to garden. Barter services in exchange for other goods. Don't pay to see a movie without buying discounted tickets and waiting two weeks. If you're un(der) employed go to a food bank, find out if you can volunteer your skills in exchange for something you need and consider applying for 2-3 pt jobs.  Perhaps you can take in a boarder or move into a home that an owner needs help paying their mortgage (as featured on Oprah). I haven't seen this downturn (collapse) affecting most of the people I mingle with online but I know of several people who've lost jobs. Perhaps now is the time to start a business! This is the time to go for broke....since we're going broke anyway.....

Here's an interview on Canadian television with Suze Orman from last year who made some timely statements:

• We get very emotional about money - the value we attach to it.
  
• Women don't think about money until something catastrophic occurs.
  
• We say "Yes" out of fear instead of saying "No" out of love (for ourselves).

This is especially true for some Black women, who thanks to the ABIT (American Black Indoctrination Technique) buys into thinking we are responsible for rescuing everybody else and that carrying the weight of the "Black community" is somehow noble and Christ-like even. Except that we're not Messiahs on a mission of redemption for the masses. We're just women with free will to either make choices that will benefit us or...not. We can take steps to save ourselves or perish.

The entire interview was good but pay very close attention to 1:34-4:09 and 7:08-8:14. It's all a wake up call. We can survive and thrive despite all obstacles as long as we learn to maneuver, shadow box, bob and weave or knock somebody out if necessary. Being prepared is key.