Black Women Hair Angst Should Not Be Open For Public Consumption

I could actually take the "Hair" out of the title of this post and leave it as is. Black women angst should NOT be open for public consumption!! I find these conversations to be challenging, painful and difficult. They require time and great care as we sort through things. The issue is they're often full of pain and tied to other issues involving the abandonment and denigration of black women (in particular African-American black women) at the hands of black men.

So when Chris Rock appeared on Oprah yesterday to discuss his documentary, "Good Hair" I cringed. Again, it's another hijacking of stories that should be told and controlled by BLACK WOMEN but is only given "validity" by those black men who decide to cash in on them. That cashing in may be monetary compensation or notoriety. This goes hand in hand with other black women engaging in patriarchy-based sexism who agree to defer to these "experts" simply because they are MEN.

Curiosity on a subject is usually an indication you need to examine an issue further but to then make a cottage industry out of it at the expense of your "subject matter" is all about YOUR hustle. Any real assistance that emerges is a residual affect. The assumption that black men (who frequently devalue other black women in their personal and professional lives) can suddenly decide to "come to the rescue" of black women in one hand with the "answer" in the other is disturbing to me. It's not sincere. Not when pathologies and pain are laid bare in a public forum AND they're trying to make money from it.

The participation of black women is still 100% required for any such projects to be successful. I'm still annoyed that Steve Harvey, the thrice-married cheater is giving any woman advice on how to have a successful relationship - and given validity. Especially when he's being sued for stealing the concept and content from another black woman. Then we have Tyler Perry allowing a black woman writer-director to be pushed out of the For Colored Girls project in favor of....himself. I could go down a list.

As more and more black women take the pill to get out of the DBR Matrix our movements have not gone unnoticed! Now our real oppressors want to further obstruct the path to freedom by seeming to champion us. Like any sneaky saboteur they will grin in our faces while steadying the knife to stick in our backs. We must never forget the oppressors are also in competition with those of us who want to succeed. It's part race and part class warfare. Lest anyone wish to dispute this ask yourself how you'd feel if it was a white male director making a documentary about "good" hair and referring to childhood photos of Oprah as her "slave" look. All of our skin folk are NOT our kin folk!

Here's a "good" moment from yesterday's Oprah episode - but again Rock has to insert himself and his opinion as if what he thinks about Solange actually matters. He is spot on in his political commentary but has a clear animus towards educated and successful black women. I still remember the way he put down Michelle Obama during his comedy routine from last year and his poor attitude toward his wife. As if making a joke out of married life and devaluing relations between black men and women accompanied with laughter removes all the hatred.

Speaking of which - where was Malaak Compton-Rock in this conversation? Why isn't SHE on stage (ok at least in the audience)? It makes you wonder about all the rumors of their marital strife. I sense much of it stems from him and his attitudes. If he is sooo concerned about the well-being of his daughters and screams from the rafters about what he says to reaffirm their beauty why is there such an ongoing problem? Actions speak louder than words that's why. Like so many weak, insecure and often limited-educated African-American black men (regardless of their income) their short-comings are obvious to everyone but them.

**Carmen Dixon mentioned me in her latest post! Thanks CD.

Jimi Izrael: The Root's Resident Misogynist Is At Again

Of course since we know Skippy Gates is the "mastermind" behind starting The Root on behalf of his white benefactors (at the Washington Post) my thoughts on this shouldn't be too hard to figure out. I've already made my feelings known that Gates offers NO VALUE to black women whatsoever. It's why we have to evaluate why certain blacks are elevated to a certain status and for what purpose. It was a reward in part for his loyal servitude at letting the world know black men are naturally brutes.

So someone sent me a link to Izrael's latest ridiculousness: Memo to Black Women Get Real. Are you feeling warm and fuzzy by the title? I basically skimmed his latest "black women ain't *hit" hack piece. Is Toure taking notes? I'm not even upset about it. In fact I laughed because I realized I'm reading the rantings of a weak, subjugated man. As long as he limits his jabs to the keyboard (yes that would be a Chris Brown reference) I can simply tune him out. Remember those commericals that said "living well is the best revenge"? I hope other women realize a few things:

1. Izrael has a book he's trying to sell

2. He's counting on black women being confused

3. He assumes that women will automatically take advice from a man

4. He hopes no one will ever question his motives for regarding all of the above

From the mule's mouth: "You are not Michelle Obama, and you will probably not end up with Barack ... or Denzel. If you want to find the right one, lose the high ideal and get your priorities in order.Please trust that it takes more than an education and a successful career to be wife material. And women think if they wait long enough, they will find their own Denzel Washington. The problem is, there isn’t enough Denzel to go around. As I mention in my upcoming book The Denzel Principle, if black women want to marry a black man, it seems as if they have only a few choices..."

The Denzel Principle....seriously?! Hmm I see he hopes using the oft-touted male role model of desire would automatically prompt black women to buy this book sight unseen. Plus how many times have you heard some random Negro sniff that Michelle is the lucky one and how Barack could've "done better"! In case you're not aware Denzel Washington is supposed to be the epitome of a quality black man and the one that ALL black women want. Mmm okay. Not that he isn't a great actor but of course he's put on a pedestal by some for being married to a non-Euro looking black woman, etc etc. He is still a man though, flaws and all. So let's get real here.

This also feeds into the indoctrination of black women only being available for black men and not considering men by CALIBER and AVAILABILITY. This "Black Love" myth needs to be slayed and I have to thank Izrael for helping do so. Does he think he's doing himself any favors with his hurt boy throwing rocks routine? Race cannot be the main thrust of the tie that binds people together. We already know by sheer statistics there simply aren't enough black men to go around anyway. So black women can either hope for the miracle of that one black man, be alone, settle for less or LOOK ELSEWHERE and find a man who's able to love and protect them. I go for the last option.

Besides the last time I checked Washington is still married and I cannot co-sign panting after a married man under any circumstances. Man sharing questionable men is why black women have the highest rate of HIV/AIDS rate to date. So let's recognize these articles as the last vestiges of a dying breed: bitter, angry, low-caliber black MEN who can't compete in the real world so they have to level the playing field by knocking us down. I trust more of us see this from a mile away and aren't falling for the okey doke.

Asking Black Women to Change Is Part of A Larger Spiritual War

Every time I wonder what I'm going to write about, if I'm offering something of substance and whether I should cut back on my blogging schedule of daily posts I am constantly inspired!

A few thoughts occurred to me as I was writing Part 2 of Getting to Where We Want. One is that it's really about getting to where we NEED to be, so take that added dimension into consideration. The other revelation I had is the fight for the minds of black women is a SPIRITUAL WAR as much as one deploying COMMON SENSE.

There are several black female bloggers writing about ways other black women can improve the quality of their lives. Whether it's interpreted that way is left to the discernment of the reader. Whether the messages being offered have benefit may be open to debate. Whether that message can be ignored is the giant pushback going on right now. Think about it: there's a few "ragtag" band of women literally shouting in the "jungles" and the "wild" banging their drums. They're visiting homes (via blog writing) of many sometimes in the guise of one thing but with the intention of something else (all good). They're imparting knowledge or sharing stories. They're getting a LOT of resistance. People lie about the positions being offered. Others don't quite understand what the heck they're talking about or are only getting 15% of the message.

Some brave woman had to be willing to step forward to address the chaos. If this could be thought of in investment terms it's a Capital Call for funds so a future purchase can be made. Others have followed suit. We're from all corners of the world (blogosphere). We're sending correspondence back and forth but may never meet. We have convergent purposes and can strategize together on some things or offer words of encouragement to each other. We don't agree in every way all the time. We learn from each other even as we have our own (teaching) purposes. We may not be "leaders" per se but we're offering examples of leadership (of self) for everyone.

These messages can be of benefit to ALL women but they are specifically being offered to those most in need. That's what makes this so radical. Black women as a collective should have the same high standards that other women from other groups have. We also have to acknowledge our individual perspectives, needs and ethnicities as it affects who we are and what we may need to do. Reaching for our purpose requires a thorough examination of ourselves and those around us. Everyone doesn't always have our best interests at heart. If that means leaving behind the majority of other blacks then so be it!

Some need to know of the mistreatment of others. Some need to be challenged. Some need to know how beautiful they are. Some need to know they have options outside of their immediate surroundings. Some need to hear about the successful lives of others. Some need to know the storm is coming. Some need to know they're surrounded by poisonous snakes who will strike and kill them. Some need to have their blinders removed and their shackles removed. Some need to put into practice steps they already know they need to take. Some are confused and may need time to figure things out. Some will not listen and must be left behind for the survival of others.

Here's what I know to be true:

• Black Women should have suitable mates.
• Black Women should have protection and care.
• Black Women should have relationships that are fulfilling.
• Black Women should have opportunities for growth.
• Black Women should not be around anything that drags them down.
• Black Women should not settle for anything that is of little benefit to them.
• Black Women should know how to make life-affirming choices.

The White Media Sure Loves To Promote Black Woman Angst Don't They?

If I have to read another tired article about how black women have such a hard time with:

a) Our hair

b) Our dating prospects

c) Our bodies

I WILL SCREAM!

“If your hair is relaxed, white people are relaxed,” the comedian Paul Mooney, sporting an Afro, says in the documentary “Good Hair,” which won a jury prize at the Sundance film festival and comes out in October. “If your hair is nappy, they’re not happy.”

Le sigh. There is no political related ideology in wearing our hair with or without chemical processing. It's a personal choice! This is why I am wary of having black men try to deconstruct issues that pertain specifically to black women. Or give dating advice when they themselves haven't had successful relationships. I mean I don't see any movies helmed by us about how their anatomy has been erroneously touted as a means of boosting their insecurities. It would be considered insulting, yet here we are having other people tell us what our "issues" are.

Ladies you shouldn't fall for it. Despite some of the serious issues we discuss here and across the blogosphere these discussions initiated in outlets like the New York Times don't necessarily have our best interests at heart. Considering how the majority of the staff - especially upper management is 99.99999% white and male - I have a hard time believing the our stories are of such interest. What has happened is a heightened combination of curiosity and contempt from numerous quarters since Michelle Obama became First Lady that serves as a catalyst for this.

Now one agenda is to do coverage that serves as the back-handed compliment and the white editors make certain to hire a writer with some black heritage to pen it. In other words to deflect any charges of bias they'll say the (condescending or derogatory) tone and content was at the discretion of that writer. They were of course pulling the puppet strings. At any time they could find a writer who could produce a quality piece of substance that is equally compelling and informative.

Another agenda is to do these types of black people 101 stories where they do a superficial exploration of something that has been a bone of contention for many. Like our hair apparently. It's either feast or famine apparently. They have gone from ignoring us completely or only reporting the worst offenders to having an axe to grind. When do these shrinking sources of legit media offer an exhaustive, inspiring or accurate portrayal? It's a fluke but it does occur from time to time.

Not that I don't welcome media coverage for things like the population of missing and exploited women and children. Or having our beauty touted in a favorable light. There's just no balance. It can't all be about our First Lady or some variation of " Black Woman It Sucks To Be You". There's a fine line to be had in discussing obstacles and in evaluating stereotypes or exposing pathologies. How we respond is equally as important for we can do things that help elevate our image or chip away at recent progress.

We need to be wary and evaluate who wants to engage in these conversations and why. It is often not designed to be helpful in removing barriers but to reinforce them. Why are we letting other people dictate what should be our own agenda with a message we take responsibility for and protect?

Lessons African-American Women Can Learn From Watching the Terrell Owens Reality Show

• Be careful about who you give your support and time to.
  
• We need to stop celebrating the individual pursuits of blacks as if it's something that automatically uplifts everyone.
  
• You should find out if these black male (actors, athletes, music artists, politicians, etc) are willing and able to uplift women like you.

So a brief breakdown of this scene. Owens has signed with the Buffalo Bills. He's in Niagara Falls with one of his employee/friends. She'd booked a room at a B&B and they messed up the reservation by putting them in the same room. This is the scene where they retire for the evening. He has two very attractive black women who serve the gatekeeper/policing role on this show. Officially they're his PR. As you watch the show you see them complaining about the women he gravitates towards and his reply that they have no lives of their own. 

I've watched four episodes and am glad these women are Executive Producers because it means they're at least being compensated. Unlike so many other black women who fill these roles for a mere pat on the head - if that. This guy has no exposure to a black woman with our "typical" hair texture - which tends to be fragile - hence the need for a head scarf. He seems to have no intention of doing so either. Which is his choice. It's revealed that he cheated on his fiancee so even her appeal was not enough to guarantee his fidelity.

Notice how his friend points out that his dating trends are limited to white and "exotic" women. He doesn't date women who look like her. This is where I react and not because I think black men belong to black women but because of the apathy and disregard that has become the norm. It's so one-sided where we are rejected for no reason at all other than the poor attitude of these men. His underlying disdain is so obvious. He doesn't value black women as equals. 

There isn't anything we can do about it - or should try to do about it actually but WAKE UP. If the role was reversed and it was black women exercising their rights to date and bed all the non-black or "exotic" men they wanted black men (and some black women who don't want us to have choices) would be howling. Like this poster at The Black Snob who has no verifiable account to trace back to them but is complaining about Black Women Empowerment bloggers who "constantly talk about black men" and "push mating with white men". Ha! The lack of reciprocity and blatant hypocrisy is what infuriates me.

I loved her reply to him though how any man she's with would notice her quality as a mate and not hold wearing a scarf against her. Even Anthony Bourdain knows what a doo-rag is used for. Are you paying attention ladies?