Defining Reciprocity: Black Women Are Still Being Told To Put Everyone Else First!

Yet the buck stops here.

Some women think of themselves by their ethnicity or race first. Some women think of themselves by their relationships (i.e daughter of or wife of someone). Some women think of themselves by their station in life or job. Still others are considered by gender in relation to a political agenda...but still have their race or class status hand in hand.

One of the most freeing aspects from reading the essays of empowerment as administered by certain bloggers (Halima, Evia, Khadija, CW, etc) is that we are FREE. Their words are a much-needed inoculation against the insanity messages being spouted as facts today.

We are free to date whomever we fancy. Character trumps skin shade.

We are free to explore our orientation or identity and establish it as we see fit.

We are free to explore our individual tastes. Go see the world!

We are free to live our lives as we see fit. Our standards are what matter most.

We are free from being conjoined with random black men and tying our existence to them.

We are free - or we should be - from the myth of the "black community" and upholding its "tenets" of enslavement.

We are even free from needing the understanding or approval of other black women for our individual choices. Even the ones that claim to be in support of empowerment.

Why is that so many are invested in telling us what we "should" be doing? I had a conversation with someone who asked me when I was going to do "community service" and help the children. This was the tail-end of a conversation about a black male student who was beaten to death. I think the "people" that need to "step up" are black men and the Civil Rights organizations. Since we know it is NOT black women causing the majority of the violence, the misogyny and the denigration why would anyone assume we have the power to "fix" other people (esp. black boys and men)?

We know them by the fruit of their labor.

Now, I'm not mocking the benefits of offering assistance but the idea that I should feel in any way obligated to encourage, uplift or elevate other people (and their otherwise abandoned, mistreated, or cast-aside kids) is rather presumptuous. I'm certain this will be considered heresy to some but far too many black women have sacrificed themselves at the altar of "saving all of our people" for naught. Things have steadily deteriorated and the depravity will only multiply.

Black women need to stop riding the rescue wave for others and take care of themselves first!

I am a black woman, an African-American but that is but ONE aspect to who I am. I'm also an artist, a writer, a singer and a budding gourmet chef. I'm also a Gen-Xer, born in the USA, grew up on the East Coast and the first-born child. I enjoy a variety of music, love to travel and enjoy plushness. I cry at poignant commercials. I am many things yet sometimes I am no one in particular. Who says I have to be ANYTHING other than WHO I WANT TO BE?

Yesterday I had to be very firm in setting boundaries with an individual who was willing to take advantage of me. Lack of communication and setting a bad precedent in behavior will only set a path in motion that's nearly impossible to reverse. After hearing about their various issues with this and that and feeling empathy but recognizing I was about to be steamrolled I had to put my foot down. I was very reluctant to do so but at the end of the day who's looking out for me if I won't take care of myself first!!

When we try to be "nice" and overlook obvious flaws to "get along" with others we are not doing ourselves any favors. There will always be some issue that takes precedence. Once people see they can be "abusive" or take advantage it only escalates. It may be a joke at one's expense, a harsh word or demanding considerations that overextend others. It may be borrowing money with no intention of repaying, asking someone to look the other way or withholding affection.

I wanted to know whether this person would respect my wishes and set aside their self-interest for the greater good. Their response was to become rather combative because I wouldn't "understand" their difficulties. Actions speak louder than words. It's why women are referred to as bit*hes when they don't respond to street harassers or make unpopular decisions. People are very quick to turn to anger when they don't get their way and lines are drawn in the sand. "Do it my way or else there'll be hell to pay!" That is the ultimate in manipulative behavior.

When there is mutual respect, concern and affection...you know a true FRIENDSHIP or KINSHIP...people will look at the big picture. It's one thing to ask for help. It's another thing to insist the need for alleviating one's challenges/difficulties at someone's expense. Sometimes misunderstandings do occur and things should absolutely be resolved. Sometimes people know exactly what they're doing in crossing a line. Setting boundaries is not the problem. It's about respect for self - and others by insisting on them to begin with. There's no need for emotionalism or lingering anger when they are established and adhered to. No one is going to convince me otherwise.

Sometimes we must ensure our dignity remains intact even if our needs cannot be met at that time or in the preferred manner. Getting along with another person, an organization or even a community should NEVER include being used as a doormat or being self-sacrificing to one's detriment.

Asking Black Women to Change Is Part of A Larger Spiritual War

Every time I wonder what I'm going to write about, if I'm offering something of substance and whether I should cut back on my blogging schedule of daily posts I am constantly inspired!

A few thoughts occurred to me as I was writing Part 2 of Getting to Where We Want. One is that it's really about getting to where we NEED to be, so take that added dimension into consideration. The other revelation I had is the fight for the minds of black women is a SPIRITUAL WAR as much as one deploying COMMON SENSE.

There are several black female bloggers writing about ways other black women can improve the quality of their lives. Whether it's interpreted that way is left to the discernment of the reader. Whether the messages being offered have benefit may be open to debate. Whether that message can be ignored is the giant pushback going on right now. Think about it: there's a few "ragtag" band of women literally shouting in the "jungles" and the "wild" banging their drums. They're visiting homes (via blog writing) of many sometimes in the guise of one thing but with the intention of something else (all good). They're imparting knowledge or sharing stories. They're getting a LOT of resistance. People lie about the positions being offered. Others don't quite understand what the heck they're talking about or are only getting 15% of the message.

Some brave woman had to be willing to step forward to address the chaos. If this could be thought of in investment terms it's a Capital Call for funds so a future purchase can be made. Others have followed suit. We're from all corners of the world (blogosphere). We're sending correspondence back and forth but may never meet. We have convergent purposes and can strategize together on some things or offer words of encouragement to each other. We don't agree in every way all the time. We learn from each other even as we have our own (teaching) purposes. We may not be "leaders" per se but we're offering examples of leadership (of self) for everyone.

These messages can be of benefit to ALL women but they are specifically being offered to those most in need. That's what makes this so radical. Black women as a collective should have the same high standards that other women from other groups have. We also have to acknowledge our individual perspectives, needs and ethnicities as it affects who we are and what we may need to do. Reaching for our purpose requires a thorough examination of ourselves and those around us. Everyone doesn't always have our best interests at heart. If that means leaving behind the majority of other blacks then so be it!

Some need to know of the mistreatment of others. Some need to be challenged. Some need to know how beautiful they are. Some need to know they have options outside of their immediate surroundings. Some need to hear about the successful lives of others. Some need to know the storm is coming. Some need to know they're surrounded by poisonous snakes who will strike and kill them. Some need to have their blinders removed and their shackles removed. Some need to put into practice steps they already know they need to take. Some are confused and may need time to figure things out. Some will not listen and must be left behind for the survival of others.

Here's what I know to be true:

• Black Women should have suitable mates.
• Black Women should have protection and care.
• Black Women should have relationships that are fulfilling.
• Black Women should have opportunities for growth.
• Black Women should not be around anything that drags them down.
• Black Women should not settle for anything that is of little benefit to them.
• Black Women should know how to make life-affirming choices.

Getting To What We Want From Where We Are Pt 2

Alrighty, picking up from where we left off yesterday, the first step at progress is changing our perspective, our point of view and our outlook as encompassed by our mindset. How we see what's before us makes all the difference in the world. If for example you think something doesn't have value that may in fact be helpful you've just eliminated a source of inspiration at the least or what could have been your breakthrough path. If you're reading this thinking, "Ok Faith how do I change my mindset?". Well let me share this with you: we must RENEW our minds.

Romans 12: 1-2

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. The Message

I decided to use the Peterson verse translation as I think it's the most plainly spoken i.e. less "religious". One can insert whatever your own individual practice into this to what works for you. I am trying to offer this as an assist, not something that will trip others up in incorporating. This is also for those of us who've been burned by the fake religiosity of others which is something I'm personally working through. I've come to realize you can't throw out the baby with the bathwater so to speak which brings me to the next step.

2. We must access spiritual power

If we think of this in exercise terms it's building your abdominal muscles to sustain you. It's strengthening your core. Believe me as I'm writing this there's a part of me that's surprised if only because it's something I've fought against. People have used and misused various religious tenets to control and harm people since the beginning of time. For many of us it has a particularly misogynistic bent as well that's being used to subjugate women. We also have to figure out how to place into proper context sacred texts and how it applies as well as knowing there has to be boundaries and consequences for going against our best interests. That could be an entire post in and of itself! Perhaps it will be, but for NOW this is in relation to finding our path in life and staying the course.

We all have our own paths in life. Since no two people are alike our experiences will be different. I'm reading Oprah's September message in What I Know For Sure (it's the last page of each O, the Oprah magazine) where she states: "When you know for sure that you're on course and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing, fulfilling your soul's intention, your heart's desire, or whatever you chose to call it [they're all the same thing]. When your life is on course with its purpose, you are your most powerful. And you may stumble, but you will not fail."

How do we access spiritual power? I think we have to ask for it first and foremost. There can be no assumptions. Just like doing inverse crunches will strengthen your body we must find a set of spiritual "moves" that will yield results. Having a trainer to guide us can certainly help but in the end the work is solo and the efforts must be our own. We have to push through the discomfort and be consistent. We have to exercise AND change our eating habits to things that sustain us. We may have to limit our intake of certain people/thoughts/circumstances that are of no benefit to us. We have to be willing to change and be vulnerable.

We all have an inner voice, an intuition that guides us if we listen to it. What ways do you know for certain you can make changes in your own life?