I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the confused and hostile reactions expressed by those who've read my recent posts or follow me on various social media platforms. Some are forgetting the point of the conversation is to ensure the lives of children are not being negatively impacted unnecessarily. It's also to remind black women that they are not and should not be taking on the role of mother, father, breadwinner and superwoman solo. You can NOT really effectively parent if you're bone tired, emotionally drained or choosing which bill to skip to make ends meat. You will age yourself prematurely from lack of sleep, nutrition and any time for yourself. Even if you have help it's still not the same thing as having a mate to ease your burdens and remind you of how special you are.
I spend lots of time online and generally enjoy chatting and connecting with people. Of course it's a public forum and though I've had many great conversations online here on Blogger, Twitter, Facebook and other social media unless I've actually met you eyeball to eyeball we don't know each other really. Sometimes you have to have a face to face to really suss people out. That may or may not be possible or necessary. Nor is that a goal of mine actually.
We spend time online to network, open our social circles and to meet like-minded people. I've had people upend a lot of my confused and disordered thinking. I have felt angry, frustrated and resistant. I've asked questions. I've had to be open to work through this. I've drawn certain lines in the sand. It's a process. I am very grateful for that. We all won't see eye to eye on the same issues and may have to part ways. That's okay because we have to live the life of our choosing. We cannot let other people dictate our philosophies. Regardless I know I always try to conduct myself in a respectful manner, but in my forum I will speak my mind as I see fit. Without apology. If the message isn't for you then you are free to ignore me at will safe in the knowledge that your life is where you want it to be.
Yet some people don't want to walk away. They want to get you to change your mind to their way of thinking. Why is that? It always amazes me when people disagree by selectively picking one sentence or one point while discarding the entire message. I shouldn't be surprised. This isn't for those who arrived at their destination point and have disembarked. This is for those still traveling who may decide to continue, change course or get off.
What I didn't realize was that I was a radical. I mean I'm an average woman living an average life. I've long struggled to feel free to be myself and to find out who I am fully divested and free. I've been hampered by some warped set of invisible rules as well as the conditioning of people I call family. Being your own person takes a lot of effort. I've run far far away hoping distance and time would transform me. It can but hasn't always happened on my schedule or the way I preferred. These experiences are apparently part of my journey. You have to try a few things for size and push back on certain ideas and ideologies. I've still held on to the belief that some of the things I've seen while on that journey of discovery didn't mean what they do. Everything has been stripped and burned.
I've taken the red pill and am out of the Matrix.
While I was inside I was often sullen and miserable and I couldn't figure out why. No amount of religion, partying, traveling, job changes or talk could change it. I had people outside the Matrix telling me I was being negative. It was very frustrating, because it's not like I was trying to be negative. I felt as if I was trapped by something. I thought it was white racism. I thought it was some untold childhood trauma that I'd blanked out. I thought it was living in a particular city. I thought it was looking a certain way. I knew it was something but I could never figure out what. I've always felt restless. Meeting really nice people always made me slightly uncomfortable. I figured it was an act and the "real" them would come out eventually. People with problems I could relate to. Content people - no way. Too scary.
I had to have everything in my life come to a complete standstill as I've worked through this. I felt I was making some progress but still couldn't put my finger on it. I started blogging because I've always enjoyed writing. I've kept a journal on and off since I was a child and going through some of them I found myself circling the same recurrent themes. So I've just been writing hoping for a breakthrough. Well I've had mine and more may be coming. I'm looking forward to it.
My journey is my own. I'm sharing parts of it hoping this will help someone else. You will have your own path. I cannot convince you of anything without you going through the process yourself. If you choose to. This isn't about me really. I think there's a message that's been written on my heart and I've been charged by a Divine Power (however you may define that) to speak on it. I've spent a lot of time reading the works of other bloggers. I've been reading a lot of literature and there's even more content I need to learn from. It's a journey that winds and continues. There are other women with messages on their hearts that they've been humble enough to share. You have to make yourself vulnerable to open up. You have no control over how people respond to that message or even if they'll listen.
Often these discussions can be so painful that people don't want to hear them or misinterpret them. People are so invested in clinging to their totems they're drowning. I am not responsible for how anyone reacts to my message. All I'm responsible for is being my authentic self. I can state clearly that I have been. I try to make sure I have proper boundaries in place though. This isn't a forum where anything goes. We are discussing serious and painful issues. I am not a therapist.
What I am is a black woman who wants the world to be a kinder place for all the children of the world. It has been written on my heart to feel especially concerned for the welfare of little black girls. I see so many who look like they'd rather be anywhere than where they are. I've felt that way at times. We can't just hope - we have to take action and be responsible for our choices. We have to learn how to make good ones though. It's the difference between being independent and free.
When I speak of the "black community" lie I am talking about the dysfunction that has gone unchecked. I'm talking about decaying residential areas that are unsafe. I'm talking about these unrealistic expectations on black women to do everything, fix everything and diminish themselves in every way so some insecure men feel better about themselves. I'm talking about all the time, money and energy black women give to organizations from their local church to the NAACP who do not reciprocate pound for pound. Nor are we demanding it collectively. I'm talking about the myopic view of what the community is and why it's so stifling. I'm talking about the strict regime of a group of blacks who either a) despise other blacks b) stress jumping through hoops of false expressions of blackness c) being tied by degrading music and entertainment and d) make no mention of attacking these dysfunctions head on. Some of these people are poor, some are poor in spirit, some belong to what they refer to as an "elite" class, some are male-identified, some are males and some like to make lots of excuses.
It's just the same when I discuss how a majority of black men despise black women. It's because of their weakened position post-slavery. Guess what though? We are in a similar weakened state as well. We've just decided to work through it. We had to try because we are responsible for carrying new life to term. The men can't stand even the tiniest amount of criticism. Why is upholding a false contract of superiority my responsibility? I had an acquaintance revisit an online exchange between me, her and her male friend where he referred to black women derogatorily. I felt he was being disrespectful and she let him violate my space. I responded in kind. She brought it up a week later to admonish me. I had to set her straight again that I did not owe him any apologizes and he had crossed a line. She then admitted he had a horrible attitude toward women and it wasn't a big deal. Well how could that be when she brought it up again? My male friends don't publicly refer to women as hoes and definitely not in my presence. We are clearly working from two different paradigms of acceptable behavior. The very idea that I demand to be treated with respect should never be questioned. People who share a common set of values don't. My calling someone an idiot is not the great offense of modern times, but apparently it is if he's black.
Unemployment is always used as a reason for child abandonment. If the black man had a job he'd be a father. So what of the millionaires and celebrities who behave the same way? Why don't the whole lot of men terminate their reproductive capabilities? Why create a life and walk away? It's an excuse. You can't have a large group of men perpetually out of work for four decades unless there are other pathologies in existence. If you drop out of school, have an attitude and sense of entitlement you may find you have put more obstacles in your path than anyone else. It can't all be about white racism. If it is then everyone should just take cyanide and be done with it because your life is apparently over.
For all of those unpleasantries we do have those that provide, protect, befriend and behave. They're just lost in the sea of perpetual insanity. We have numerous examples of people who've taken risks as well. The irony of course is how many in the "black community" stood by and did nothing or fought other people tooth and nail for daring to have a vision. It was their vision that improved the lives of the very people who were ungrateful and trying to block blessings. Now that most of those pioneers and rabble-rousers are dead it's all gravy. The stench of that hypocrisy leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like revisionist history. If people are cowards they should live a coward's life with its coward's rewards. I was willing to take some common sense statements from a racist (in an earlier post) to prove my point about the abnormal behavior in the "black community" lie. I guess I am a radical after all.
I will leave you with this comment from another blogger who has been instrumental in assisting me on this journey. This isn't about dissecting the choices of individuals and their lives. This is about the collective (including those left of what used to be called the black community) making a choice whether they want to see themselves rendered in a permanent underclass of haves and have-nots OR if they want to salvage what's left with the decent people who would work for their survival and elevation. Now can somebody explain to me how this is radical, political, disruptive, presumptive, impossible, offensive and anything else other than NORMAL?
And so we call on those AA women who want to live good lives to reject having OOW births. To reject "Booty Call/Hook-Up" culture, and EVERYTHING connected to it. We call on AA women to claim their God-given right to be WIVES who are protected and provided for. To claim their God-given right to live in peace and security.
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