Tameka Raymond's HuffPo Op-Ed on Colorism Is A Must Read

I noticed a few people were discussing this essay on various social media platforms yesterday but I just got around the reading it. Wow! The soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Usher Raymond certainly has her head on straight as far as recognizing the intra-Black racism, petty jealousies and assumptions by strangers goes. She took great pains to make a definitive argument of the larger psychological issues as well as the added attention due to her celebrity status. She laid it out and offered her own introspection of how that negativity has affected her.

We've been discussing the underlying pathologies that motivate many African-Americans here and at other forums for quite some time. I can't recall the last time I've read a thorough examination of these by another AA person who wasn't a) a blogger trying to encourage other black women to free themselves b) an academic or infotainment hustler c) a man. So I cheered that this message will likely get more attention - but unfortunately it will likely be due to the pop culture consumption of various parties and not from a concentrated effort by those trying to free their minds. Still I hope that something sticks. I've pulled some quotes which I found particularly poignant that I'd like more blacks to evaluate in detail:

I am a dark-skinned African American woman with features that reflect my ancestry. It is a fact that many African-Americans are often mixed with an array of other ethnicities (as am I), which allows for the spectrum of our features to be as distinctive and special as we are diverse. Why is it felt that the more diluted our traditionally African features become the more aesthetically acceptable we are considered?

That all-too-familiar disdain and lack of racial or ethnic pride amongst African-Americans has not been resolved. We must also be careful about not mislabeling the potential self-hate of an individual versus the choice to devalue others. This manifests itself in familiar patterns by the way some black men pursue white-skinned women and how black women who don't know each other can be at odds with one another just because. People who are engaged in adversarial interactions cannot coalesce to form networks that would elevate larger groups. So the focus remains on external aggressions (i.e the white racism argument) instead of recognizing how so many undermine each other.

Often dark-skinned women are considered mean, domineering and standoffish and it was these very labels that followed Michelle Obama during the campaign for her husband's presidency and which she has had to work tirelessly to combat. I was appalled when I heard a Black woman refer to Michelle Obama as unattractive. The conversation turned into why President Obama picked her as his mate.

This is bigger than Michelle Obama. This is the manifestation of that colorism, hueism, skin shade hatred and black on black racism that does more damage today than its historical origins. It is also specifically targeting black women, African-American women who are unabashedly black with recognizable African features. It is used to shame them and make them more compliant for abuse. Like the street harassment I discussed in yesterday's blog post. Yes, we know it was part of the "Master's Tools" to create division amongst slaves and maintain control over a much larger population who could have easily risen up and slaughtered their captors. Psychological warfare is dirty and brutal. As I've written previously SLAVERY IS OVER. There is NO EXCUSE for blacks to take this practice, magnify it by thousands, add more depravity on top of it and then say that white people started it. I also touched on that hack piece by a hack writer who attributed an anonymous quote to disparage browner-skinned black women.

As I began to delve into further research on this topic, and the more I read, I concluded that many of our people do not like what they see in the mirror. There is an adage "hurt people, hurt people". If this is true then we must examine the root of negative words and judgments that are passed on people. Perhaps we show progress in our wallets and lifestyles but not in our mind set. I nearly lost my life over something as superficial as having a flatter mid-section and trying to adapt to society's traditional definition of beauty. I truly believe that everyone has a right to delineate what they deem is attractive, but we must not confuse perceived "attractiveness" with authentic "beauty." It is important for African Americans, especially, to realize that true beauty is a spiritual element that lies deep within an individual's spirit.

I appreciated Mrs. Raymond's candor about going to such lengths to be considered attractive and acceptable. It's one thing to follow a strict regime to be healthy and at one's best. Chasing eternal youth and the appearance of external perfection is something else entirely. I thought about how Dr. Donda West, Kanye's mother lost her life while recovering from a similar surgical procedure. Despite her education, financial resources and residual celebrity - or perhaps because of it - she felt something was lacking and tried to address it externally. She also had a browner skin shade and noticeably African features. Not that plenty of other women don't choose to go to such lengths as well but I can't help but wonder would the drumbeat of disdain be less fervent if others accepted themselves as they were and encouraged others instead of tearing them down?

I also watched the documentary about Lisa Lopes (from TLC) that aired on VH-1 yesterday. Ironically she had been filming herself, friends and family for a project and it ended up being her legacy after she was killed in an auto accident. It was packaged beautifully and was very compelling. Her candor about her struggles and insights she offered gave me a different perspective. She was a flawed but brilliant woman - like so many of us. So when I see certain black women in the spotlight I observe how they are treated by others and what standards apply. It isn't pretty. Still I admire the efforts by many to live their lives on their own terms and not some self-imposed double standard of acceptable "black" behavior that is often demeaning anyway. I hope Mrs. Raymond's essay gets through to some black women who would have otherwise not heard its message of uplift.

How One Guy's Colorism Turned Off A Potential Love Interest on Millionaire Matchmaker

I guess this is my week for reality television reruns. I've been watching Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo. It's a high-class dating service in Los Angeles where the owner, Patti Sanger promotes love matches and encourages marriage. She charges a minimum of $20K to clients and has a 99% success rate for those that take her advice. Usually the millionaires are picky, have unrealistic expectations and require a certain amount of maintenance. Her standards are very high for the behavior of the millionaires as well as in recruiting potential mates. She typically arranges for clients to have a date with someone of their choosing out of a pool of candidates and one of her choosing.

One of Patti's clients is 36 year-old Xander. He's biracial and is set up with one young white woman (22) who eliminates herself by telling him she doesn't know what she wants out of life yet. She was the warm up to his date with Violet though - who was chosen by Patti. She is also younger - but they don't mention her age. She's also biracial and seems like a nice woman. He picks her up in a limo and she's innocent enough to be impressed and tell him. He takes her to the Hustler Club for gambling. She doesn't gamble though and lets him know. He made a quip about "corrupting" her but should have immediately adjusted his plans for their date to something she felt comfortable with. 

Later on they have a meal and he proceeds to compliment her repeatedly. If I was on a date with a guy who hadn't bothered to plan something romantic or even inquired some basic information from me and then fawned over me excessively I'd think he was trying to get me into bed as quickly as possible. I wouldn't think he was sincere or really interested in knowing me at all. I had to search for video, found the show available for purchase but with a Zune media player that isn't compatible with Mac. Oh well. I did get reaction interviews from them on Hulu which I've embedded.

Xander was enthralled (by her appearance) and wanted to see Violet again. Earlier in this episode he explained that he was still single because he'd put work first. Plus he has a three-year old daughter. He said he'd met the mother of his daughter "at Spring break". Now why a man in his 30's is picking up undergrads tells me a lot about his character, but he seems like one of the "nicer" clients. Compared to the men in their 40's who still only want to date 18-25 year olds this is mild. It just shows that a caliber mate requires so much more than looks, money and relative youth.

Violet told Patti she wasn't interested in a second date. She discusses the date here. She's very diplomatic on camera and seems like a real class act. Now how many black men would put her on the pedestal until she demanded to be treated with a level of respect they don't feel black women (even biracial, light-skinned exceptions) deserve? I'm thinking of music artist Kelis and how many of her male peers who made her the "exception" are trashing her now because of the terms of her divorce settlement with Nas is more than what they think she "deserves"! 

Patti had a follow-up with Xander he was taken aback that Violet wasn't interested in a second date. Patti told him he'd gone overboard, but of course the underlying issue would never be examined. He was fawning over Violet's lighter skin shade and she knew it. That's why she didn't want to go out with him again. He'd also complimented the first date but not nearly as much. The first date was cute but I could see this was one of those "blond hair makes you pretty" scenarios - but he'd chosen her! 

He was too superficial and despite having lots of money there are some women who simply want MORE. They don't want to be objectified even if they're getting the long end of the stick. I don't know if I'd classify Xander as a DBR but he is someone who has serious flaws. I was curious why he was having such difficulty with dating being that he's wealthy and not unattractive. He presents a low value caliber despite his obvious appeal. Even though Patti told him telling a woman that she's beautiful 15 times is creepy he was prepared to discard her advice until the other male client whose date had been more successful informed him that two times in one night was sufficient.

Ya'll Get So Riled Up Over Whites & Their Racism But Are Silent When Black Women Are Attacked

So there's this continued brou-haha over the private club in PA that rejected a group of black youth. Several people are howling racism and shaking with rage. I hear one of Rev Inc. may pry themselves away from the camera, um the mic, um Jackson family long enough to lead a march. Nothing says "we mean business" like standing in a sanctioned area designated by the police and screaming.

Obviously I have a slightly different take.

Yes it was racist.

Yes I feel for the kids.

It was a crass way of getting their point across for those adults to do anything in front of children. Was it "merely" racism? There's an underlying class issue at play here. Whites are always so defensive about having their attitudes evaluated for potential racism they have a knee jerk reaction in trying to avoid it. Nothing ever progresses. Had someone decided to come clean and say they were concerned about the behavior of the group it would've opened a serious dialog. They'd still be getting vilified but for a completely different reason. 

The continued excuses by blacks about policing publicly displayed dysfunctional behavior undermines any cry of racism. Perhaps if so many weren't showing each other at our worst (hello BET Awards) some white people wouldn't have such an immediate negative reaction when they see us coming. Like whites' avoidance of being referred to as racist, blacks avoid the painful evaluation of things of an internal nature as well. It's literally killing us.

We can't just focus on the "scourge of racism" when it comes from whites when we don't do anything about the black racists/sexists amongst us. There was one black male DBR complaining on Twitter about a white actress making some derogatory comments about blacks but less than 72-hours ago he was agreeing with the very rotund and unattractive sports writer who trashed Serena Williams. Where was the outrage for THAT?

You can't have it both ways black people. Either you take up the cause for ALL injustices or you leave it alone and roll the dice.

What was the socioeconomic background for the black campers versus the white ones?

I am telling you there is blowback for public displays of misbehavior that go unchecked. When you have so many blacks who want to make excuses for the criminality of others you can expect some unforeseen ramifications. Dare I sound bourgie here because I'm not, but had these children been taught to modify their behavior for a diverse public setting? You know there are times you see people talking loud, shouting at each other in greeting or doing things that imply an intimacy amongst themselves. That would be fine if they were at home but not on the bus or in the mall or at a parking lot. Remember you have to use your "inside voice" at certain times.

I know I've scurried away from those blacks that bring unnecessary attention to themselves. I've also given warning looks to those whose behavior warrants it. This isn't limited to those of lower incomes either. Some seem to reek of "I Am Special" and make a point of trying to present themselves as the next monarch of Britain. They tie up public lines at places like coffeeshops asking for their extra particular specific order and are willing to force you to wait while they deign to complete it. Just so you know who they are. So we have the case of ghetto vs siddity. Either one is not a good look!

There's still this unspoken message that blacks must rally against every slight, every racist incident when it involves a white person. What about black on black crimes? You know the murder rate where black males are killing each other faster than any racist white cop. Satan is not the evil equal of God nor can every ailment within the black community be blamed on others.

I'm getting tired of hearing about how the "white man has held the black man down". I'd dare to say many are using this as part of the perpetual victim argument. Slavery is over. We have black male (and female) billionaires. I can't say those individuals are actually doing anything for the masses but we have examples of people achieving and we can certainly learn from part of their model. There is nothing preventing men from returning to school en masse for example. 

We can't ignore the contempt a lot of those black elites have for the rest of us. We should note though the paper bag test was started by dark skinned and self-hating black men who wanted to immediately separate themselves, mate and procreate themselves out of their blackness. So certainly education and career achievement was stressed. Having a tight-knit family and their own community was also important, but it was for their own individual happiness not for the entire collective. Marginalizing black women was an active part of their agenda. 

That agenda has trickled down across all social strata. When the debasement of black women is addressed and stopped then perhaps I will muster up some outrage.

Certain Black Men Act Like BET In Denying Their Dysfunction But We See You!

Everywhere I turn I keep finding BW-hatred being expressed by some BM. I’m not sure if it has become more virulent or if I’ve learned to spot it more quickly but I am having to “school” some rather unfortunate Negros online. Ok, on Twitter. I wonder if people still forget it is a PUBLIC forum and other people can read your messages!?

I swear I’m not trying to pick fights but there’s something in the water or these are the “Last Days” for sure. Here is where the intra-Black ethnic/cultural distinctions may be more favorable to some. I don’t think I realized how damaged the “black collective” of African-Americans really is. I know we’ve had conversations here and at other blogs about a range of topics such as divesting (emotionally, financially), removing oneself from unsafe predominantly black residential neighborhoods, the need for a renewed Arts Movement, how African Americans have abdicated their cultural & musical heritage and tying white supremacist racism to black skin shade racism to LBGT prejudices.

Seriously, everything is a circle and it does matter what we say and how we behave. I will tell you that with the absence of my dad and grandfathers who have all passed away I’ve never noticed how much I miss a positive male father figure in my life even as I am well into my adulthood. I see people with the physical attributes of a gender but none of the actions of real men.

I realize the absence of those who understand and want to fulfill their purpose as men and be that rock for the people in their lives still has quite an impact. Frankly it hurts to not have it. I was having what I thought would be a brief conversation last night. I’d caught the tail end of some BM discussing a recent article about Serena Williams. It was a hit job by another black male writer (Jason Whitlock) who said some derogatory things about her. **Update I thought it was a white male for some reason. Of course I should've known better. This is the continuing derogatory tactics by damaged beyond recognition black men spreading their message of hate.** They were essentially agreeing with him by disparaging her and saying she was overweight and less than.

** I'm also enclosing an excerpt so you know what I'm talking about:

With a reduction in glut, a little less butt and a smidgen more guts, Serena Williams would easily be as big as Michael Jackson, dwarf Tiger Woods and take a run at Rosa Parks.

You can call me unfair. You can even scream that I'm sexist.

But there's an inescapable truth about Serena Williams: She's an underachiever.

And all the people making excuses for Serena and rationalizing her failure to totally dominate women's tennis are the very people uninterested in seeing women rise to a level of equality with men.

So look at Whitlock's profile photo. Who's the real underachiever?!

Now Serena just won Wimbledon and as I mentioned in my post yesterday neither she nor Venus has ever publicly engaged in any foolishness. Not a hint of a scandal either. Just a LOT of disparaging comments, envy and jealousy from others. So I was a bit taken aback but I thought I’d gently admonish them and be done with it. Oh no. I challenged this (other) black male writer who fancies himself to be "special" but to him I have no “credibility”. No this isn’t the writer I compared to wanting to be Perez Hilton, but apparently they're all in support of each other bashing African-American women. I tried to be gracious I really did. I just don’t think a man who doesn’t have a direct vested interest in the Williams Sisters should be commenting on their bodies and even then it should be done in private. I would’ve added no woman as well but I never got the chance. The entire conversation was one of obfuscation while he wanted to discuss this from his perspective on his terms. There are real life ramifications resulting from the devaluing of BW. 

I was recalling the behavior of DL Hughley when he went on the Tonight Show after Don Imus had insulted the Rutgers basketball team. How he said that not only did he agreed with Imus but he added to the insult! These men were doing the same exact thing, but somehow couldn’t connect the dots.  

I told him and a few of his buddies/defenders who tried to chime in and take me out with weak arguments that a) they are not medical professionals b) not part of her team c) they shouldn’t be engaging in any behavior that devalues the status of black women in public. All were ignored and someone actually told me I was “overreaching” and making things into a Richter Scale of 10, haha! Yes if that means I have standards and expectations of what’s appropriate then I am guilty.

I also threw in a reference to Sarah Baartman, aka Hotentot Venus as I was asked whether it was okay for them to "observe" her. Which prompted my question of in what way, like the woman kidnapped, raped and put on display? I didn’t have a problem having the debate at first but I could tell it bothered this man to have his privilege challenged. In the end the conversation was going to repeat and loop with me being asked to argue the same points over and over. 

So I sent a message to the women who were following our messages to avoid at all costs a man who was not willing to be respectful, who actually would question why it was NOT okay to pick apart the appearance and body of an elite athlete for their pleasure and folly. I sensed that it gave this writer a boost to do so which was why he was so invested. He thought if he could obscure his points I’d tire or concede. Never!

Yes I had to bring up skin shade racism and their clear disdain for women for looked like Serena. The writer had the nerve to ask me if he could find a light-skinned woman who looked exactly like Serena but was overweight if I’d acknowledge it. I replied that he could try but that I was dealing in reality not “unicorns”. For again this isn’t just about Serena Williams, it’s for every little brown(er),(est) black girl with a dream. 

It’s BM like these (and any supporters) that are killing the spirits of young black girls everywhere and that is not cool. I was having simultaneous conversations about the McNair murder as well, but this other BM I was speaking with was respectful. We don’t always agree but we can always talk. Not so with the writer and that’s a shame. I should probably not engage him after this but I find I am compelled to either respond to or generate the beginning of a conversation. 

I don’t live in a predominantly black neighborhood, I’m not dating anyone “less than”, I don’t have any children and all in all I can’t really complain. I have a few struggles: some are external/circumstantial others are spiritual/internal. I am taking steps to improve my station in life but some are in truly precarious circumstances. My thoughts on the BM/BW dynamic is almost completely different than what I’d felt a few months ago. 

I had no idea it was this bad. I was getting there but I was skeptical. I still thought of crazy behavior as the antics of a few…lowlifes. Now between the last scandal involving the football player, Whitlock and this other writer (Harry Allen),  I see it has (long) attached itself to those men who’d be considered intelligent and accomplished as well. I also am grateful that I have had some great online conversations about vetting men. It has changed how I engage inasmuch as I'm looking for particular patterns.

My asking these questions and challenging the position of this writer (and some of his enablers) really got my attention. He’s married and I was thankful with relief I'm not married to someone who liked making fun of “certain” BW in public. Or at least indulging in the possibility. Deny it all you want but there’s something rather alarming about it and having to remind these men that if you don’t honor the women in your group the entire collective is in the toilet is appalling. None of them seemed able to understand. 

Our entire POV was Mars & Venus. I wondered if it was a case of willful ignorance but I actually think they didn’t know. It angered them to realize that I wasn't impressed by their little display of childishness. I also received a few messages from others who followed both our streams that it was entertaining for them to see us so intensely engaged, but it certainly wasn’t a joke to me. 

I finally made a segue where I told any BW who was reading the exchange that they should take this as their cue to get out and get away. They needed to find men who already understood why that type of behavior was foul and who didn’t make excuses for it. I believe that I was speaking to a varying group of BM over the age of 25 so these weren’t the “crack babies” or survivors of that chaos - but men who were old enough to know better. They don't and refuse to adapt. 

I wasn’t arguing for the sake of argument. This was bigger than whether it’s misogynistic for a man to discuss the body of a famous female athlete. For the record – it is racialized sexism and yes misogynistic. This was about the public behavior of an ever-increasing majority who are almost wholly dysfunctional and engaging in abnormal behavior. 

I don’t know when this started or how we got here, but we’ve arrived. 

By the way here's Serena on David Letterman last night. Since the implied message is that she's an unattractive Mammy-type BW I'd thought this very public display of polish and humor would put to rest any doubts in some who would be confused. Let the lies and liars be exposed one by one.

My Observations On Quincy Jones Questioning Michael Jackson's Blackness: Pot Meet Kettle

Was anyone else as perplexed as I was reading this Men.Style.Com article? We know how writers can take things out of context or let's be blunt - lie - about what an interview subject says to generate a salacious headline. So I was personally waiting for some sort of public protestation from Mr. Jones to clarify any of his comments as featured. Looks like they'll stand as is so I wanted to have a conversation about it. Talk about fair weather friends!

Q: Have you been crying?

A: Oh, man, it's more than that. It's way more than that. It hurts my soul, man. It's just a lump down there.

Q: You were there to witness the strange evolution in Michael's appearance. Did you ever step in and saying anything about it?

A: Oh, we talked about it all the time. But he'd come up with, "Man, I promise you I have this disease," and so forth, and "I have a blister on my lungs," and all that kind of b.s. It's hard, because Michael's a Virgo, man—he's very set in his ways. You can't talk him out of it. Chemical peels and all that stuff. 

Q: Did you believe him about the disease?

A: I don't believe in any of that bullshit, no. No. Never. I've been around junkies and stuff all my life. I've heard every excuse. It's like smokers—"I only smoke when I drink" and all that stuff. But it's bullshit. You're justifying something that's destructive to your existence. It's crazy. 

Q: But it must've been so disturbing to see Michael's face turn into what it turned into.

A: It's ridiculous, man! Chemical peels and all of it. And I don't understand it. But he obviously didn't want to be black.

Q: Is that what it was?

A: Well, what do you think? You see his kids?

Read the entire interview. I wanted to make sure I included the excerpt about how much he missed Jackson before getting into it. I thought he was very observant and blunt....but after all of these years Jones is well aware of what audience he's speaking to when discussing certain things. This wasn't an interview in Ebony. He was speaking to a predominantly white audience about Michael Jackson's behavior that went against established norms of other groups. That was a very calculating move on his part.

Let me be blunt: Quincy Jones made some valid points but he is the last person to be questioning another black man's "blackness". I was discussing this interview with a friend born in Italy who's staying in California for the summer and the first thing she asked about was Jones' penchant for dating white women - and she's white! This friend of mine holds no compunction about asking me direct questions about her own observations regarding this and other situations related to race, class and gender. She says she's always wanted to know about things of this nature but had no one to ask or didn't feel comfortable with potentially offending anyone. So white people do notice even if they're not saying anything. 

So to be clear, this isn't about Jones' mating rituals and I could care less. For as long as I've heard of Jones he has been with anyone but a black woman - but that is his choice. If Enrique Iglesias was available and asked me if he could be my Hero, he'd get an emphatic yes. Trust and believe that! More black women need to cast a wide net, meet and mate with a much larger variety of decent men than the wading pool selection of guppies they're picking through right now. We also need to do it for ourselves and not care what anyone else thinks! After three marriages, several children and numerous alliances I'm certain Jones has lived a very full life. He's a contemporary of Duke Ellington so he's been around for quite some time now. 

I don't remember what magazine featured a story on him but there was an accompanying photo of his children - that's when I found out that he had in fact been married to and had children with a black woman but it was before I was born! Anyway, my point is that he has biological children whose appearance looks very similar to MJ's kids. Is he confirming his own desire to escape from blackness by trying to have the whitest-skinned children possible. Is he telling us this is what some (many? most??) black men who mate with non-black women are trying to do? I don't get the pointed dig at bringing them into that conversation. They have nothing to do with his relationship with himself or Jackson and I thought that was very declasse of him. 

The other issues he brought up, about blacks who want to change their appearance to be more comfortable in their skin was very telling. Michael Jackson was an extreme case because he was so famous and under such scrutiny. It has me wondering now if it is in fact more common for black males to feel that need to be a different phenotype. Regardless it is black women collectively getting pressure from other black men to be different from who they are.  We can observe this in noticing those who publicly express their desire for all women who aren't black, or have to fit a narrow definition of blackness based strictly on appearance. It's a pretty vicious cycle that goes back to the core weakness of a few dictating terms for the majority.

The observation of Jackson's struggle with his identity is one that can be applied in a broader sense to other black men who don't feel comfortable with who they are in their skin when a sizable portion chose to mate with women who look nothing like the women who begat them. It's all a choice and that choice is an individual's right, but what motivates it and to what lengths? When you have high-profile black men choosing non-black women and elevating them as the preferred choice that's where I protest. That doesn't seem to be about determining who's best for you and being in an affirming reciprocal relationship. That's about black-on-black racism and disdain for black women. I cannot abide by that.

In "Michael Jackson On Race - His Race" an article featured on CNN.com, Carmen Van Kerckhove delves very eloquently into the intracacies and contradictions of our struggle with race and identity. 

Each of our individual histories and the histories of our ancestors act in concert to shape who we become and what we value. And when personal histories are complex (as most are), they often result in a racial identity that is equally complex and sometimes even contradictory. 

About Jackson: Race cannot be separated with precision from body dysmorphic disorder, hatred of his tyrannical father, or any potentially relevant theory being discussed right now.

Why?

Because if he hated his body, he was hating a black man’s body. If he hated his father, he was hating a black man. Race ran through it all; we cannot and should not dismiss its effect.

*****

So in our own history of being black in this country where does the conscious, healthy, non-colorist behavior begin and when has the "hatred" or its varying degrees of discomfort ended?